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Friday, April 1, 2016

Team Koopa Contracted ZIKA Virus at Rio?!

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - Um, this is a serious problem, actually.

You know I've been in Brazil for weeks, right? Rio de Janeiro. Team Koopa has been the absolute best team in practicising for the Summer 2016 Olympics. Team Sonic and Team Mario (ew) have nothing on our all-star line-up.

So, time to go to KoopaTV's headquarters in Sierra Leone.

...Or, that's what I tried to do. But the people at Rio de Janeiro International Airport didn't let me, or any other members of Team Koopa. Well, except for the Dry dudes. But that leaves myself, Wendy, King Dad, Bowser Jr., Larry, and Roy behind.

APPARENTLY, we all have the Zika virus and they don't want us leaving Brazil for a bit. The virus is passed by sexual transmission (I didn't have any, and I strongly doubt any of Team Koopa's other members did while in Rio. This is despite the Centers for Disease Control's warning that “[t]he celebratory atmosphere at the Olympics may encourage travelers to engage in risky sex”) or through mosquito bites. Apparently, if a mosquito bites an infected person, it becomes infected and it'll spread Zika to the next dude it bites.

I think it's full of crap. Why?

Zika's symptoms look pretty tame. Red eyes, rashes, fevers, headaches, pft, whatever. Compare to when KoopaTV's staff were almost quarantined for possible Ebola. Now THAT was a deadly disease. No one has died from Zika.

You may be wondering how I might have gotten Zika. Well, after beating that freaky pink guy in the Table Tennis training tournament, it bit me. I tried to shake its...hand. I should've exercised more caution.

Zazz character unlocked Mario & Sonic at the Rio 2016 Olympic Games 3DS
Its name is Zazz? Ugh, of COURSE it has Zika.

It turns out this Zazz guy is not just a Brazilian commoner infected with Zika. He's associated with Team Sonic as part of something called Sonic Lost World and is something called a Zeti. Every member of the Zeti species has their name begin with Z.

I hypothesize that Zika is a type of Zeti. Except really small. Microscopic.

Maybe all of the Zeti are born as Zika and grow up.

Which is really scary. Now that I have Zika inside of me, will I turn into that scary pink Zazz dude?

You know, I know how King Dad must've gotten the disease, too. He was fighting one of those Zeti dudes in boxing.

Zavok character unlocked Mario & Sonic at the Rio 2016 Olympic Games 3DS
It's Zavok!? He kinda looks like the Shake King from Wario Land: Shake It.
 
I wonder if Zavok bit King Dad, too. Zavok must have been inspired by Mike Tyson! (Fortunately, King Dad still has his ears.)

I don't trust these kooks in Brazil to take care of me. We'll try to get out of here somehow, and to employ the most sophisticated of healthcare and technology in all of Koopa Kingdom to make sure we don't turn into creepy Zeti-looking things.

We'll beat Zika!

...In the meantime, Vortexica and Kamek will be in charge of KoopaTV. Hope they can pick up the slack!

In case you were wondering, Iggy, Lemmy, and Morton — this one of the reasons the entire Royal Koopa Family wasn't invited to join Team Koopa for the Olympics. Don't want us all in a foreign planet all in one place, especially if it's dangerous and packed with freaks.


...Just saying, Birdo is probably one of them. I've always been suspicious of that thing.


Don't anticipate seeing Ludwig much, if at all, next week. He's got to get out of Brazil and make sure he doesn't have Zika. Team Koopa will have to seriously consider if it will return to Brazil this June for more practice, and then this August for the real Olympics. Meanwhile, KoopaTV will be under the responsibility of its non-infected staffers.


Ludwig's face probably isn't as disfigured as Bowser's would be if Bowser got Ebola.
Ludwig once wrote that the only way to get Zika was to “be in a crappy area and doing some funky things to get it.”
Ludwig and the rest of the Royal Koopa Family return to Koopa Kingdom! Read Part 1 of their escape from Rio here!
Part 6 of how Team Koopa escaped Rio is here. Zavok appears, and you figure out what Kamek was doing.
It seems like playing Wario: Master of Disguise is also a virus-esque thing.

13 comments :

  1. It is probably more dangerous for those who are pregnant and have to worry about the fetus. Not that I have anything to worry about it... sorry for the dark humor, I'm just mocking my plight.

    ReplyDelete
  2. "...In the meantime, Vortexica and Kamek will be in charge of KoopaTV. Hope they can pick up the slack!"
    While I should be more worried that you have the Zika virus, that statement worries me the most...

    Also, I caught a wild typo: "Team Koopa will have to... consider... for more practise..."

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. ...Turns out you were right to be worried.

      Where's the typo?

      Delete
    2. You're back!

      The typo: "...practise". It could also be blamed on British English, but it's supposed to be "practice". It's in the closing paragraph (the one in italics).

      Delete
    3. Oh, uh, okay, if you say so. There.

      Delete
  3. The Legend of Zelda is the best video game series of all time.
    Don't argue.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for your concern about our health.

      Delete
    2. You're welcome!
      I didn't exactly "read" the article.
      I assumed you were fine if you wrote such an essay.

      Delete
    3. KoopaTV didn't have any articles for the past 10 days, so no, I wasn't fine.

      I'll publish the whole story later.

      Delete
    4. I've been dead all year.
      No one bothered to email.
      :)

      Delete
    5. ...Wh-What's that supposed to mean?

      Delete
    6. He's a troll. You can tell because he just talked about Zelda in an article based on a virus.

      Delete

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