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Monday, April 11, 2016

How Team Koopa Escaped Rio — Part 1

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - And how we staved off the Zika virus. Well, not that part yet.

Hey guys! I'm back! KoopaTV will be returning to our regularly scheduled programmes. Believe me, I missed writing about some of the crap going on surrounding the videogame industry. I also missed sleeping in my own bed, and being in a civilised society.

As everyone hopefully knows, Team Koopa (minus Dry Bones and Dry Bowser) was trapped in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil, for the past week or so. We were there before we were considered trapped, but that was with the understanding that we could leave after our Olympics training. Obviously there's more than just Mario & Sonic at the Rio 2016 Olympic Games.

I'm sure you're all itching to know (though, I bet it's less itching than we did as Zika victims) what happened since you last heard from me. So, I'm going to let you know what happened, in detail, starting right after I published the article on April 1, 2016 saying we'd be stuck in Rio for a bit.

This is only Part 1, because, hey, this is rather lengthy:
“There! Published!" Ludwig yawned. After he published the article, it just became midnight in local Brazil time. He looked around in the dimmed light of the National Library of Brazil. He knew he wasn't supposed to be here. Both as someone with Zika out in public, and because the library's open times ended several hours ago. He wondered how the library's security didn't catch him in plain view using the library's computer system. Or if there even was security.

“As long as I used Private Browsing, they're not gonna get me, right?” Ludwig asked out loud. After hearing no response, he turned off the computer and walked to one of the sidewalls to consult the library map. He forgot where the exit was. Everything being written in Portuguese didn't help matters, either. If Ludwig didn't know the interior design of the few libraries within Koopa Kingdom, how would he remember those within Brazil? If only Koopa Kingdom funded more public works like libraries. Or, if Ludwig didn't take so long to write the article, he could actually remember where he entered the building from.

After fumbling around in the dark, the High Prince of Koopa Kingdom finally found his way to the entrance. Still no security. He earned himself a headache.

“Ugh. Zika symptoms.” Ludwig characteristically said out loud. He never was good at keeping his thoughts inside his head. “And it's also been a long day.”

Ludwig took out his flip-phone and called his father. “King Dad! Where are we hanging out tonight?” Bowser's response indicated the airport. Seems like they haven't gotten past that barrier.

Ludwig, by foot, went through the night to the airport.

Google Maps National Library of Brazil Rio de Janeiro International Airport on foot walking Tom Jobim
...Which was a very, very poor decision on the Koopa's part.

Since Ludwig was suffering cognitively from being afflicted with the virus, and because he had no idea where he was going, it took his entire Saturday. If only Ludwig had a smartphone or portable GPS with him, then he would at least know how to get from the library to the airport. And maybe he would've taken a cab, public transportation, or even his least favourite thing in the world, a bicycle.

“Is this what I deserve for being an anti-bicyclist, Team Plane-supporting dinosaur?” Ludwig said to himself somewhere around Campo de Santana.

Eventually, late Saturday night, Ludwig located and entered Rio de Janeiro International Airport. Ludwig found Bowser, Bowser Jr., Wendy, Roy, and Larry in a corner. Looks like they set up camp. Everyone was sleeping except Bowser.

“Took you long enough! Why did you even bother going to the library?!?” Bowser snarled.

“I thought it was necessary to tell our readers that we might not be around for a bit!” Ludwig replied.

“Who cares about the readers WHEN WE ALL HAVE VIRUSES in HUMAN territory? We could've used your help in getting out of here, but NO, you went away, REALLY FAR, to write some garbage! There's public computers a lot closer to here, you know!”

“Hey, KoopaTV is important for Koopa Kingdom-to-human propaganda! You said that yourself! We can't just disappear without a warning, right, King Dad?”

Bowser was steaming red, and it wasn't just from the symptoms of Zika. “I said that back when I thought we'd end up with a lot of readers with this Internet thing! You're just talking to the same few converts now!”

King Bowser and Ludwig argued into the night about super-confidential KoopaTV-related matters, and they both eventually went to sleep in the airport.

Just a few hours later on Sunday morning, Bowser Jr. woke Ludwig up. “HEY! LUDDY! There's some REPORTERS over THERE!” Bowser Jr. hit Ludwig on the rash-covered forehead and pointed to the human reporters looking for a scoop.

“Huh? Wha? Shut up and lemme sleep, jerk. I'm sick.” Ludwig withdrew into his shell for some extra z's.

The reporters were pointing outward at the airport-stranded Royal Koopa Family and talking very fast in front of a camera crew in Portuguese. Bowser Jr. was watching intently, but the rest of the Koopas were asleep. One stout reporter walked up to Bowser Jr. and asked something in Portuguese to the effect of, “Que trupe do palhaço está você uma parte?”

Bowser Jr. blinked, and stomped on the reporter's feet. The reporter recoiled back and joined the pack of other reporters, whom all left.

Eventually, everyone else woke up. While Roy, Larry, and Wendy were eating breakfast at the airport (paid for by the Brazilian real they earned from winning training vs. Team Sonic and Team Mario), Bowser, Ludwig, and Bowser Jr. were discussing how to eventually leave Brazil behind them all.

“When Dry Bones managed to get on the flight, I told him to get Kamek over here to this world as soon as possible.” Bowser said.

“King Dad, why not an all-out war on Brazil?! We shouldn't suffer this indignity of being held captive at their airport!” Ludwig said.

“Because that's a stupid idea and you should feel bad!” Bowser Jr. teased.

Bowser ignored the children. “Meanwhile, I wonder what those plumbers are doing now. They're still here! Do they have Zika, too?!?”

“Oh, excellent point, King Dad! We can mash those measly plumb-scum right here in Rio de Janeiro, once and for all!” Ludwig ecstatically.

“I wasn't really looking for a fight, Ludwig. Maybe we can hitch their ride.”

“Or HIJACK their ride! Hahahahahaha!” Ludwig giggled.

Airport security stared at the giggling unkempt Koopaling with his strongly-emphasised hijacking suggestion. Unbeknownst to the Koopas, the officers talked into their headsets about keeping an eye on them.

“Yeah, yeah! Let's get 'em! C'mon, Dad!” Bowser Jr. laughed.

Bowser sighed. “Well, whatever. I'm staying at the airport until Kamek comes to bust us out of here. Do what you want, just don't die, get arrested, or cause an international incident. Not more of one than there already is.”

Ludwig gathered up his siblings that were eating, and told him of King Dad's permissive attitude. Ludwig would rather not make mischief with Bowser Jr. for a variety of personal reasons, so he didn't include the tyke into the planning session.

“Heh! So we have a ton of time to kill before Kamek gets here! ...Though I told the KoopaTV folks that Kamek would be picking up the KoopaTV slack while we're here, so hopefully he can, uh, multitask?” Ludwig said to Roy, Wendy, and Larry.

Ludwig Roy Wendy O. Koopa Larry Mario & Luigi Paper Jam Dune Dune Desert
The four Koopalings on Team Koopa. Their airport encampment was really, really dusty by Sunday.

None of the other Koopalings cared for the KoopaTV-related commentary. “So we're gonna rough up some plumbers?” Roy asked.

“Hey, don't forget about Team Sonic! It's that Zazz creep that got us all Zika to begin with!” Larry said.

“How about Wendy and I go get Team Mario, and you and Roy can get Team Sonic back?” Ludwig suggested.

“Why do I have to go with you?” Wendy asked her brother.

“I wanna talk to you about your lack of output with KoopaTV!” Ludwig answered.

“What the hell? Is that all you're thinking about? Screw you, you can go by yourself. Maybe take that BRAT Bowser Jr. with you.” Wendy said, crossing her arms and turning her head away from Ludwig.

“Fine, I WILL. ...Go by myself. I'd rather be a loner than a babysitter.” Ludwig growled.

The four Koopalings went outside and went their separate ways. Security agents followed after Ludwig.

“...So... I don't know where those plumbers are.” Ludwig whined. “I don't know this stupid city!”

“HEY! LUDWIG! I CAN HELP YOU!” Bowser Jr. screamed, bursting out of the airport.

“What? No! I don't want your help!” Ludwig protested. His already Zika-infected eyes became bloodshot.

“I know where the plumbers are!” Bowser Jr. pulled out a smartphone from his shell, with a mapping app set to Team Mario's gym in Rio.

Ludwig begrudgingly accepted Bowser Jr. into his party. The two Koopas walked together. Ludwig kept his mouth shut, so as to not incentivise Bowser Jr. to talk.

Eventually, Ludwig and Bowser Jr. reached the location on Bowser Jr.'s device. However, it didn't look like the Team Mario gym, or what they thought Team Mario's gym would look like.

“Dangit! I knew we shouldn't trust these stupid smart devices! They're so dumb!” Ludwig shrieked.

“I don't understand! They are supposed to be here!” Bowser Jr. whined.

A short distance away, a monstrous pink thing was harassing a local Brazilian. However, Ludwig and Bowser Jr. were preoccupied over Bowser Jr.'s smartphone's misleading directions.

Zazz Mario & Sonic at the Rio 2016 Olympic Games hero mode who are you I don't care dialogue
It was Zazz! The Zika-bearer!

While Ludwig and Bowser Jr. were staring into the smartphone's tiny screen, Rio de Janeiro International Airport police surrounded the Zika-infected Koopas.

“Freeze! And come quietly! You're under arrest farrch suspichhiousshh behaviarch!” An officer said, in an accented version of English.

Bowser Jr. was still looking at his smartphone and tapping the screen with his fingernail, but Ludwig looked up and saw the situation. Then he saw Zazz some metres away past the officers.


Zazz noticed the wild-eyed, wild-haired Koopaling. “Huh? What? Oh! You! Tennis guy! Don't look so well, huh? Hoohoo! Too bad!” Zazz said, spastically moving his upper body as he was acknowledging Ludwig's existence.

“W-Wait, don't forget about ussshhh...” An officer whimpered. But Ludwig went into his shell and charged past a security officer towards Zazz. Meanwhile, Bowser Jr. cracked the screen of his phone with his nail.

WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? You better wait for Part 2. Only on KoopaTV! Part 2 may or may not be posted tomorrow, but it'll be posted within a week at latest. Obviously, at some point the ending will be Team Koopa's safe return to Koopa Kingdom, but it's the journey that's interesting, not the destination! ...Ludwig himself prefers the destination to the journey, however.

Read Part 2 of How Team Koopa Escaped Rio, here!

Part 3 is here! Critical reading!
Part 4 is right here. Important stuff.
Part 5 has arrived!
Part 6 is here. It is the FINAL part!

You may wish to consult this Table of Contents.

At some point, Ludwig actually did go into a library to borrow the Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney Official Casebook.
Ludwig likes planes over cars.
Here Ludwig rants about bicyclists.
It's easy to forget, but Wendy O. Koopa actually is nominally part of KoopaTV's staff.
Ludwig previously advocated for a Koopa Kingdom-lead preemptive strike on Earth here.
The last time King Bowser Koopa cared about KoopaTV was to make a statement that Shigeru Miyamoto is not Bowser Jr.'s mother.


  1. Good thing you were able to bring your Wii U with you.

    1. It's very handy to be able to use it without needing a monitor.

      People actually do bring their Wii Us with them to airports because of this feature.

      By the way, since I'm out of that hell hole, I have your eShop card. I just need to use it for some photo ops first.


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