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Monday, August 24, 2015

Team Rocket Descends on Boston!

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - Trying to make double trouble. But they failed.

Last weekend were the 2015 Pokémon World Championships. Thousands of folks playing the Pokémon trading card game and the videogames competed to be named the best that no one ever was. (Except it's not really "no one" when the same thing happened last year, and the year before, and the year before...) Fortunately, they also competed for a lot of scholarship money, because The Pokémon Company International (TPCI) has a bias towards people being educated in college than just winning cash. Probably a legal thing.

Apparently, some competitors wanted to win through non-competitive, non-legal means. And I'd like to stress that because this article will be about an active investigation, everything that follows is an allegation and not a fact. Innocent until proven guilty!

So those competitors who allegedly wanted to win through non-competitive means were Kevin Norton (thinner guy, 18 years old) and James Stumbo (27 years old, and a pretty big dude). After fleeing Iowa from Donald Trump visiting the state's state fair, they both came to Boston to compete in the Pokémon World Championships that they were invited to. They were also packing some firearms, presumably because they thought that Donald Trump would grab their guns. Massachusetts was just the wrong place to flee to.

From the Boston Police Department.

Norton and Stumbo were allegedly Team Rocket members and were planning to take the competition by force, stating so on Facebook. They were stopped after concerned members of the Pokémon community reported them to TPCI, who reported that information to the Hynes Convention Center. Hynes talked to the Boston Police Department, and Norton and Stumbo were stopped at the door. Boston Police eventually obtained search warrants, and eventually arrested the duo for having firearms they didn't have licences to.

So what the hell were they thinking? Don't bring guns to a place crawling with Pokémon trainers!

You really think all of the multitudes of Heatran, Landorus-Therian forme, and Aegislash present care about those bullets? They're also going to have to compete with Blastoise, which literally has cannons on its back. Cannons beat rifles, last I checked.


And since Blastoise was the winning deck, nothing beats cannons.

So yeah, these guys are dumb. Pokémon need to beat Pokémon. That's something Team Rocket is pretty bad at realising, repeatedly trying to use non-Pokémon means to acquire more. This leaves their own Pokémon rather weak. We suspect, allegedly, that Stumbo and Norton were Team Rocket members!

These Team Rocket members won't be blasting off at the speed of light anytime soon — they're sitting in jail. And Giovanni won't be able to bail 'em out, 'cause the judge is holding them without bail. Even George Zimmerman got bail, and he actually killed someone. (In self-defence, and killed no one ever again despite people claiming he's threatened it.)


Kevin Norton James Stumbo Pokémon World Championships terrorist plot arrested without bail Butch Cassidy Pokemon
Stumbo is gonna get made fun of for that hair, instead of what he should be made fun of for, which is his last name.


I shouldn't be too hard on these guys. I realised that they're pretty much KoopaTV's target audience. They're super-big Pokémon fans that are members of the National Rifle Association! So I'll give them the benefit of the doubt that this is all some kind of... misunderstanding.


Dat NRA sticker.
Norton also likes some conservative pages on Facebook.


This also proves Rand Paul right — when the NSA was still collecting mass collections of data, they totally failed to stop the Boston Marathon bombers. After the NSA lapses that activity and collects more information on terrorists and less on innocent Americans, law enforcement has a much more targeted and focused view of criminal activity. And so they actually stop a tragedy before it happens, which is generally what people want.

So basically: National Security Administration: 0. Targeted Constitutional investigation: 1. And that's replicated across the country, with the NSA's mass-surveillance never having stopped a single attack anywhere.

Remember folks: Report terroristic threats you see online to the authorities so the rest of us can retain our liberty. Disturbingly, that article linked a sentence ago deals with another terrorist who was also a Pokémon fan, Elliot Rodger. Is there something about the Pokémon fanbase that makes them more likely to be terrorists than other Nintendo fanbases? We'll investigate. (No we won't.) 

We'll also keep an eye out for the conclusion of Norton and Stumbo's bumbling misadventures. If they ever get out of jail, we'll try to get 'em to be KoopaTV readers! They'd enjoy it. And if they're not interested in that, then they can go rot in there for all I care.

One last note: This story was plastered all over the ordinary news media. And none of them wrote Pokémon. They all missed the accent, whether it be the Boston Police Department or the Washington Post — which quite frankly wrote a very insulting (to Pokémon fans) piece about this. If there is a party to this more dumbo than Stumbo, it's the media. But that's nothing new.


Ludwig is hard on crime and big on liberty. Hey, Kevin Norton, you seem like a relatively decent guy. Quit Team Rocket and join KoopaTV! Meanwhile, if any of you think Ludwig is an idiot, feel free to say so in the comments. He's too much of a scrub to compete in tournaments like that.


There's nothing wrong with having your own guns to protect yourself. Don't just rely on Pokémon.

2 comments :

  1. lol wat

    I dunno if I'd take them in, being a former member of Team Cipher. Y'know?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm a former member of Neo Team Rocket Elite!
      We prided ourselves on that "elite" bit.

      But hey, standards are decreasing pretty rapidly across the world. So I'd let 'em at least be readers.

      Delete

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