June 30, 2018 Nintendo Quarterly Financial Update

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - Featuring some very long-awaited sales figures.

No matter how good Nintendo's. financials get, it's like the stock market doesn't care. Bummer.

In other news, Nintendo is making some sweet money as of their quarter ending June 30, 2018. I know you don't care about the particulars (you don't go to KoopaTV for stock picking or financial news), but just know that everything is holding pretty steady (aka good) except for the 3DS, which continues to collapse in terms of numbers sold, as you'd expect. There's only so many kids 5–8 to sell to.

Meanwhile, the Nintendo Switch has sold 19.67 million units as of June 30, and 86.93 million units of software. Among the top software are Super Mario Odyssey (11.17 million), Mario Kart 8 Deluxe (10.35 million), The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild (9.32 million), and Splatoon 2 (6.76 million). And then there is a big gap going down to the 2 million units, but your takeaway for those four games is that they make up almost half of all Nintendo Switch software sold.

So let's look at the bottom-tier million-plus sellers again: 

The Threat of the Nintendo Labo: Vehicle Kit

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - Keep the Labo away from my vehicular treasures!

I might be the only one in Koopa Kingdom to think this, but great taste is often only distributed to a particular set of geniuses: The Super Ludsub is one of the greatest technological marvels of all time, and the best vehicular weapon ever made. Also near the top is the Doomship with my face attached to it, along with the Landship. (Planes are better than cars, and if you were wondering, submarines are the best of all!)

Last week, however, Nintendo announced a global threat to transportation: Nintendo Labo: Vehicle Kit — due for a September 14, 2018 release. Given what we know about Nintendo Labo — it's highly dangerous and can possess cardboard objects and turn them against their owners — this is a unique threat to the Super Ludsub. The Super Ludsub, as the name suggests, is a brilliant submarine that is, get this, made of cardboard.

Do you know what's in the Vehicle Kit? A car, a submarine, and a plane.

...And a pair of keys, the Toy-Con Keys, that reportedly enable the hijacking of any vehicle.

Yeah, you think I'm nuts for what I've written about the Labo? You don't think it's possible for a cardboard-with-sensors product to do everything I've said since it was announced? Well, for all the evidence you'll ever need, read this quote from the press release:

Kirby Star Allies: Dream Friends Wave 2 Update Released!

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - Kirby Star Allies version 3.0. Get the update. Has slightly more than just Dream Friends in it.

Four months (exactly) after Kirby Star Allies Dream Friends Wave 1, we now have Dream Friends Wave 2. I wanted Captain Vul, but instead we get Adeleine and Ribbon from Kirby 64: The Crystal Shards, Dark Meta Knight from Kirby & The Amazing Mirror, and Daroach from Kirby: Squeak Squad. Here's a trailer featuring them from Nintendo:

As was the case for Wave 1, the developers actually put effort into fully integrating the new Dream Friends. They show up in all-friend cutscenes like every other friend, and other end-game and post-game story mode content that is spoiler-y to share but great to experience. The Dream Friends themselves are incredibly potent.

Here's one of the in-game notifications you get after installing the update.
“More Dream Friends! There are now 9 Dream Friends! Use them all as allies!”

The big thing that Nintendo is promoting are the availability of these Dream Friends and their custom Guest Star ???? Star Allies Go! levels. Secondarily, there are three new celebration pictures that each require eighty blue puzzle pieces. As of writing I've just started.

Lastly, the game has some updates to Guest Star ???? Star Allies Go! for the non-Dreamers. You can play through multiple helpers’ quests without finishing them. Previously, you had to finish an entire character's set of levels (each take about 80 minutes) before being able to play another character. I'm not sure why you wouldn't want to do that (you'll be the most effective while absorbed in a given character's moveset instead of going through all sorts of different files).

Another update to Guest Star is that they shortened Level 5 by removing the introduction to the story mode post-story stage, Extra Planet δ. (In story mode, this is also the stage they updated.) This takes two and a half minutes off the time. It doesn't look like they've added or removed anything else, based on my post-update playthrough with NESP. There's a number of segments that I would've liked for them to also remove (such as certain underwater segments, cannon segments, and segments where you just sit around and avoid getting crushed by moving blocks or the floor/ceiling), but I'll save that for my still-to-come review of Kirby Star Allies.

If you've already completed Guest Star ???? Star Allies Go! with a given character, you can now go back and replay Level 5 with anyone you've completed it with to try to get a more efficient time. You can't go back and replay the earlier levels — like Level 4, unless you make a New Game with that helper and start from the beginning.


There will be a Wave 3 to come for this game. Ludwig won't write the Kirby Star Allies review until after Wave 3's release. He also wants to complete Guest Star ???? Star Allies Go! with every character, and he is saving the nine Dream Friends for last because he's patient enough to save the best for last. He's actually almost done with everyone else's.


Here is the release of Wave 3!
Ludwig finished everything in the game, and wrote a review of it.

Wahaha! WarioWare Gold! Demo!

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - My scores are pretty good.

If you still have a Nintendo 3DS and have at least 816 blocks of storage on it, I recommend you go download the demo for WarioWare Gold from the Nintendo eShop. It's quick, full of charm, and fun. It's worth downloading for the virtual instruction manual alone, which is written in first-person by Wario.

The way Wario describes his microgames reminds me of how I'd describe KoopaTV articles.
Super-awesome and created by me and my flunkies, but mainly me. (Though it actually is mainly me. Wario's lying.)

 
WarioWare Gold has 4 ways to play the 300 microgames included, each lasting around 5 seconds long. 

1. Mash, which involves using the D-Pad and A button
2. Twist, which involves using the 3DS's gyroscope to move it left and right, along with the A button
3. Touch, which involves using the touch screen with your stylus (or icky finger)
4. Mic, which involves using the microphone. Handily, the instruction manual tells you where your 2DS or 3DS's microphone actually is, providing a different diagram for all of Nintendo's different versions of the handheld device

The demo only has Mash, Twist, and Touch modes, which include six microgames per mode. That means you're demoing a healthy 6% of the full game microgame content, which doesn't include all of the other goodies the full game will include. The demo spares no effort to give you a cutscene after you're done playing a mode, telling you about different features in the full game.

Fire Emblem: Radiant Dawn isn't that expensive compared to modern Fire Emblem experiences...

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - Let's dispel with this Fire Emblem fiction.

Time and time again, I've heard from people who have become Fire Emblem fans because of Fire Emblem: Awakening and after, that they would be interested in playing Fire Emblem: Path of Radiance (GameCube) and Fire Emblem: Radiant Dawn (Wii), but they are prohibitively expensive. I tell them there is a giant quality difference between the Tellius games (Path of Radiance and Radiant Dawn make up one saga) and every Fire Emblem game that came after, and their attachment is to inferior experiences.

I don't even call myself a Fire Emblem fan anymore, since I want nothing to do with where the series has gone after the Tellius games. Still, I want to advocate that people play the Tellius games, especially deluded modern Fire Emblem fans. I also advocate for the truth.

Here's the truth: You might be spending more money on the modern Fire Emblem games than it'd cost to buy Fire Emblem: Radiant Dawn. Fire Emblem: Path of Radiance can be pricier, but depending on your confidence in second-hand markets, it's still pretty reasonable.

Banning Straws Only Leaves Outlaws With Straws

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - Outlaws will fare well.

Some ridiculous municipalities in the United States of America are doing loony things in the name of the environment — banning (Seattle, with San Francisco and New York considering it) and even criminalising plastic straw usage, in the case of the city of Santa Barbara, California.

Santa Barbara just passed an ordinance, taking effect in 2019, that plastic straw distribution by vendors to people will result in a written warning for the first offense, and for the second time, “remedies specified pursuant to Chapters 1.25 and 1.28 of this code.” 1.28 of the code has the punishment for a misdemeanor as $1,000 and/or six months in jail.

By the way, for every individual straw you might provide, it's potentially a misdemeanor.

Two straws? Two misdemeanors.

Grasping at straws? You're better off drowning.

You may recall this dialogue being used in our Paper Mario: Color Splash review.
(Try to point out the differences between the two pictures in the comments section.)

You thought the above Paper Mario: Color Splash picture was a commentary on gun control? Nah, the supposedly pro-civil-liberties progressive leftists don't just want to keep firearms out of the hands of bad guys, but they want to keep utensils out of your mouth. Sort of like a parent who wants you to stop using a pacifier because you're supposedly too old to be sucking on one. Except time-out is a jail cell.

By the way, there are many benefits to using disposable straws to consume beverages, and the downsides to the environment are rather negligible. For example, this month, a dentist told me that straws limit the damage to your teeth and tooth enamel from acidic beverages such as soda, by concentrating the acid in a specific spot (and hopefully bypassing your teeth) rather than swishing it around to all of your teeth. (They told me this because my tooth enamel has basically disintegrated and it doesn't come back. Whoops.) Another example is with regards to disabled people that have some kind of mouth problem, but I don't have any first-mouth knowledge on that. I also don't have first-mouth knowledge on plastic straw alternatives — reusable paper straws sound like I'm eating low-grade toilet paper, and my editor keeps telling me that there are stainless steel straws but I have no idea what he's talking about. (He says they're dangerous.)

So, yeah, progressives suck (just... not through straws) and just want to control your life for any excuse possible (“the environment!”).


Ludwig realises the previous sentence isn't exactly a new lesson to KoopaTV readers, but he just wanted to use the Paper Mario: Color Splash picture of the “Oh, who am I kidding? I can't outlaw straws. Because then only outlaws will have straws.” quote in relation to a current event because it's perfect.

Thanks, Splatfest: Conserving Inkopolis Square for Inklings

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - Real talk about the Squid vs. Octopus Splatfest result.

Hey. This isn't Ludwig. It's Squidwig. I'm back after a VERY long absence (check out my article history in the links below the footer — the latest was 2015), because I can't just let that Koopa guy not talk about the results of the Splatfest that just happened: Squid vs. Octopus. And, let's get real, it's Inkling vs. Octoling.

KoopaTV does a great job of talking about Splatfests before they happen, but they don't do the follow-up discussion on the results. The results for this Splatfest are particularly important for my society. Here they are:
 

Team Squid won the Splatfest because of battle performance. Team Octopus won popularity by 12 points.

Let's talk about that votes row in the results. Team Squid got 44%. Team Octopus got 56%. Pretty much every Inkling in Inkopolis Square voted for Team Squid, and every Octoling in Inkopolis Square voted for Team Octopus. Do you know what that means?

The squids are outnumbered. In our own society. The Octarians are reproducing and claiming residence too quickly. There are more of them than us. That's not okay. We squids need to not be so limp-tentacled that some of us put up signs like this:

Koopas Dominate Sports

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - We're superior.

As you may expect from the webmaster of a site called KoopaTV, I (only) play as the Koopas in any of Mario's sporty spin-offs. My loyalty and dedication to my own kind is paying off pretty well — between all the members of Koopa Kingdom, we're doing very well and scoring just fine. There's a reason why we thought it was a good idea to attempt to enter the 2016 Summer Olympics as Team Koopa — WE HAVE THE SKILLS.

I wasn't sure whether or not to separate this by sport or by Koopa, since there'll be some redundancy on the basis that Koopas are multi-talented, so I hope this reads well. By the way, for the purposes of this article (and, well, in general), Mario Sports Mix doesn't exist. No one ever talks about it. It's a mess.

Baseball

The Koopas are some of the best baseball athletes around. When Bowser is up at bat, it's irregular if he doesn't just get a homerun. Almost every Koopa has chemistry with King Bowser in Mario Superstar Baseball (...Magikoopa doesn't), and chemistry gives a power-up to the folks who share it. (Stronger hits, better fielding.) King Bowser also has the fastest fast ball, from a pitcher's perspective, in the game. The Mario Superstar Baseball metagame literally revolves around King Bowser Koopa.

Similar to King Bowser Koopa, Hammer Bro. and Boomerang Bro. are also extremely good, getting consistent homeruns with his sweetspot hammer, or an amazing curve for base-running, respectively. Magikoopa has fantastic fielding with his magic wand, as well as a great Star Hit that hugs the foul line and ensures you get on first base... or second.

The folks like Koopa Troopa, Paratroopa, and Dry Bones are also pretty reliable and decent fielders with good throwing arms. Bowser Jr. may actually be the weak link. Since Magikoopa lacks chemistry with the rest of the Koopas besides Bowser Jr. (fixed in the sequel where Magikoopa has chemistry with Bowser), and there aren't enough for a 9-player team, I recommend King Boo and Boo (Boo has chemistry with Magikoopa) instead of Goomba and Paratroopa to fill the last slots. Boo and King Boo are ridiculous as-is, and also serve as additional pitchers, if not main pitchers since King Bowser's fielding chemistry and Laser Beam abilities can be put to better use if he's not pitching.

CAPCOM Summer Sale 2018 — Ace Attorney, too!

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - I'm actually jealous that you can get the entire Ace Attorney franchise at this low a price.

On Monday, I wrote about the rather underwhelming Prime Day 2018, but pointed out that the Ace Attorney anime box set for Part 1 of Season 1 was on sale for 34% off. I also wrote that...

“Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney Trilogy that is three whole games for $30 on the 3DS. If  [that] sounds a lot more appealing and a natural deal, you're free to go to the eShop at any time and buy it. (But if and when an Ace Attorney game gets discounted past its natural bargain price, KoopaTV will tell you.)”

Just days later, a whopping FOUR Ace Attorney titles are discounted past their natural bargain prices, because for a limited time only (less than one week), it's the CAPCOM Summer Sale, 2018!

How do these discounts compare to previous CAPCOM sales? (Spoiler: Most favourably.)

A Casual Tier List Cannot Exist

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - How do you define casual?

In a discussion about Shulk in the Super Smash Bros. series today in the KoopaTV private Discord server, RawkHawk2010 asked me if Shulk's Monado Arts selection buff would increase his tier list position for Super Smash Bros. Ultimate. I said no, pros tend to mainly use Jump and Speed Monado Arts, and Shulk professionals are already very good about quickly button-mashing to the art they need. Then Rawk, feeling defeated about the prospect of Shulk rising in the competitive tier list, asked me if there is a tier list for casuals. I answered a flat “no”.

Over a decade ago, I wanted to try to make a casual tier list for Super Smash Bros. Melee and post it on the Nintendo NSider Forums. This never happened, because I gave up during my idea-formulation. How would I define the skill level of a casual? They obviously can't wavedash or L-cancel, but can they at least jump? Shield? Use up-b off the stage to recover? I've encountered a lot of players in Super Smash Bros. Brawl and Super Smash Bros. For Wii U's online modes who couldn't or wouldn't do any of those things, even with my helpful UPBRECOVER name-tag in the latter game. (And then demonstrating Up-B Recoveries, with their character, in front of them in the next match. Yeah, I try to be helpful to newbies.)

I remember Nintendo of America president Reggie Fils-Aime's pathetic performance versus Hungrybox in the Nintendo World Championships 2015 — Reggie literally didn't know how to use the jump button.

Reggie lost this many stocks in only four minutes, and Hungrybox wasn't exactly trying.
Should the casual tier list be based on players like Reggie?