Is Cash Really Out of Favour Among Kids These Days?

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - What I wrote five years ago remains true today.

According to this Wall Street Journal article, “Kids Don’t Want Cash Anymore–They Want ‘Robux’”, my advice from my Need a Present for Teenagers? The Ultimate Holiday and Birthday Gift Guide article published five years ago is out of date. Having just reread my article, it's as spot-on today as it was then. I advocated for giving cash as a gift, especially for tweens and teens. I also said to not give gift cards as a gift unless they are cash-equivalent Amazon gift cards or prepaid Visa/MasterCard debit cards.

(Round 47 of the KoopaTV Loyalty Rewards Program, which ends when 2022 does, gives a prepaid Visa debit card as the top prize for the first time ever. You should try to win that.)

According to the Wall Street Journal article, which only interviewed one child and the rest were parents and marketing executives from various companies trying to financially exploit children, the only thing that teens want to spend money on are useless virtual trinkets in the game platform Roblox, which functions as an Internet minor-containment zone. In other words, without Roblox, tens of millions of stupid, annoying children would instead spend their time infesting areas of the Internet you enjoy today—it's really important that these exist. Anyway, Roblox is free-to-play but also lets world-builders offer micro-transactions that you'd buy with "Robux", their virtual currency. You can load up on Robux with gift cards, which you can purchase in stores (see photo below) or online with PayPal or a credit/debit card.

Ring Fit Adventure Game Gym Minigame Tier List

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - Ring Fit Adventure's Game Gym minigames have a wide range of bad to fun!

The Game Gyms are a very key feature to the main Ring Fit Adventure adventure mode experience. They broke up sometimes lengthy running and combat segments with sometimes creative and fun fitness applications in a very videogame-y environment. Game Gyms got the most attention in World 10: Grandminion Gauntlet (and later World 33: Extra Fitness Lv. 211 and then World 56: Fitness Master Lv. 316), but they also played that important diversion role in most of the other worlds, often with a cash or item prize for completing them well enough.

Ring Fit Adventure has twelve of these Game Gym minigames, and they each have two difficulties: Novice and Advanced. The Adventure mode occasionally has another variety where they put fog into the game, but we're going to ignore that for this article because anything with fog universally makes the gameplay experience much worse with no added fitness benefit. For this article specifically, I played through each of the minigames on each difficulty via Custom Mode, and fog isn't available in those. (No one sane person would willingly set that on, anyway.) I also have QUITE a lot of experience with the Game Gyms before today, since I've beaten and 100%ed Ring Fit Adventure (except for getting all of the Titles), documenting this experience on KoopaTV's other Fitness Logs.

Unlike when I made a minigame tier list three months ago for No More Heroes 3, for Ring Fit Adventure I'm going to go from worst to best. I am judging these minigames mostly based on their entertainment value, but a minigame's fitness value might also be taken into account if the workout itself physically felt fun... or if it physically felt awful. But this isn't based off what will get your body the most fit.

I Was In Top 5% of Big Runners—It's Heavily Reliant on Luck

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - You can overcome the RNG with time... if you have that.

Last weekend was Big Run—the much-hyped Salmonid takeover of the Splatlands. Much like how Splatfests result in Splatsville being aesthetically redesigned and the Lobby only allowing Splatfest matches, Big Run also results in Splatsville having new aesthetics and Salmon Run activity also is all Big Run (and with new music). The Wahoo World, normally an amusement area where Inklings go to play (or participate in matches), has been taken over by Salmonid invaders, seeking to take over everything else. Grizzco Industries was hiring anyone who could hold a weapon and throw eggs to defend Splatsville. Most notably, they offered prizes to everyone, but the best prizes were reserved for the best performers.

These were the results.
...However, no one knew while the Big Run was happening where the top 5%, 20%, and 50% cut-offs would be.

You might've noticed the number at the top right corner: 147. That was my score...after many hours of working the Big Run. Part of it was hard work. A great deal was...luck.

Dragon Quest Treasures Should Get a Demo

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - I could be totally convinced with one! (Or... repulsed.)

I spent much of the pre-release period of Pokémon Scarlet and Pokémon Violet making comparisons to Monster Hunter Stories, though my comparison to Pokémon Legends Arceus and Monster Hunter Stories 2: Wings of Ruin is actually...accurate.

I didn't make that comparison in my article about the first DRAGON QUEST TREASURES Gameplay Overview video, and now... there's another gameplay overview video, also called the DRAGON QUEST TREASURES Gameplay Overview video. Like, these co-exist with the same name.

This isn't narrated... it's just 14 minutes of gameplay. What was narrated was a SQUARE ENIX livestream with a couple of marketing people on Wednesday, which also featured code giveaways. Unfortunately, I didn't win one.

But from my impression watching the above video and somewhat paying attention to that livestream, I think DRAGON QUEST TREASURES is supposed to hit the same core gameplay loop and appeal as Monster Hunter Stories 2, but without the latter's genetics/egg-hatching mechanics.

KoopaTV's Live Reactions to The Game Awards 2022

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - With a Bill Clinton cameo, was this as bad as we expected it to be?

If it won't be obvious enough from the reaction log, I hate The Game Awards and I have a very low opinion of Geoff Keighley. I don't subscribe to the idea that The Game Awards ought to be considered the canon, official ceremony for what is definitively the best game of the year. Still, KoopaTV does a masochistic thing every year and watches The Game Awards anyway. Well, this year it's just me. I'm the only actual masochist on the staff. Everyone else is normally adjusted. Let's get right into things.

You can read this reaction log in a small fraction of the time versus watching the three and a half hours of The Game Awards.

[7:18 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vl9yakt_5tc
[7:20 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: I don't wanna do this... I could use the time to do something fun. Like play Triangle Strategy.
[7:21 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: That said, people do actually read these.
[7:22 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: Like, for The Game Awards specifically. Must mean that people value me watching the event for them so they don't have to. My suffering absolves those of others.
[7:22 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: This must be how Jesus felt.
[7:22 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: (...Or so the legends say.)

Disgraced Game Developer Yuji Naka Arrested for Suspicions of Insider Trading... AGAIN!

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - I couldn't possibly pass this up. And he's even dumber than we thought!

Hopefully you remember last month's brilliant article, Disgraced Game Developer Yuji Naka Arrested for Suspicions of Insider Trading. I had a LOT of fun creating it, and you'd have a lot of fun experiencing it. I didn't expect a sequel, especially not so soon, but here we are.

According to this Japanese defence attorney's site, the maximum amount of time you'll be held in detention in Japan is about 23 days until the prosecutor's office decides whether to indict you or not. It seems like between getting some time on the outside and... today, BALAN WONDERWORLD director Yuji Naka was arrested yet again. (So was Taisuke Sazaki.) You (or Lheticus specifically) might think that Butch and Cassidy are bad at not getting caught by the police, but Yuji Naka is (back) behind bars, making this a twice-occurring event in less than a month—this makes him even more inept than emotionally insecure cartoon criminals. And for the same crime as before: insider trading. I find this absolutely hysterical.

Now, he didn't go and commit a brand-new as-of-late-2022 insider trading crime (that we know of), but rather Japanese authorities have uncovered an instance they didn't know about regarding the development of FINAL FANTASY VII: The First Soldier. This was still while Yuji Naka was employed at SQUARE ENIX.

All Online Game Servers in China Shutdown For Communist Dictator's Memorial Service

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - They're fine with this. Hopefully, you wouldn't be.

Remember how mainland China implemented scary bans on minors (under 18) playing online videogames, enforced by dystopian privacy-violating surveillance on game-playing devices? And, reportedly, parents within mainland China thought this was a great idea because now they don't have to parent their own children, but the Chinese Communist Party can do that for them? Must be very boring being locked in your house without access to videogames during the government's totalitarian zero-COVID policy. But, hey, adults can play, at least.

Well, not anymore. According to reports, all of the online game servers residing in mainland China were shut down today in “honour” of former Chinese Communist Party leader Jiang Zemin, who died last week. Earth is a better place without this very bad guy around, between his sweeping away of the Tiananmen Square incident, his very antagonistic posture towards Hong Kong and Taiwan, and his absolutely brutal, genocidal treatment of the religious minority group Falun Gong.

But with regards to the gaming, that means no one in mainland China—adult or minor—could play online games on December 6. Now, I myself wasn't planning to play online games today either, between my work as a prince of Koopa Kingdom and following the Georgia run-off election results. (Looks like Raphael Warnock the Warlock won, just as I advocated for!) But I made sure to play—I mean, work—at least a few shifts of Salmon Run in Splatoon 3 upon reading about this news. You know, just to express my freedom to choose whether I want to play videogames on a given day or not. I don't want a government forcing me to not be able to do that!

And this isn't equivalent to Queen Elizabeth II dying and a lot of things shutting down in the United Kingdom as a result. A lot of businesses gave a day or more off for their workers out of choice—often the wrong choice, but their choice nonetheless. The Chinese Communist Party just flipped a switch on their game operators (which are really agents of the Party) by force. The United Kingdom didn't turn off access to their citizen's personal leisure products. Nintendo chose to release their Nintendo Direct an hour late. Sony delayed nothing. They chose their responses and it wasn't forced.

You may think it's inappropriate for people to play games instead of respecting the death of a horrible and repressive dictator like Jiang Zemin. But that should be left to each individual's own judgment. Their own free will. Besides, what's the point of a social credit system if you don't give people the opportunity to lose it?


Ludwig would never want to live under the Chinese Communist Party, and neither would you. He sees absolutely no contradiction between that statement and then supporting the re-election of Democrat Party Senator Raphael Warnock the Warlock on the exact same day, and you're probably dumb and lack critical reasoning skills if you do think there's a contradiction there. (That's not a strawman. These kinds of imbeciles exist.)

Run-off Rematch 2022: Walker versus Warnock!

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - Or, why you should vote for Raphael Warnock the Warlock.

One of only two things different between Election Day (November 8, 2022) and Run-Off Election Day (December 6, 2022) is that the only state with a run-off is Georgia. The only election going on is for senator: Herschel Walker versus Raphael Warnock the Warlock. Blame Georgia laws on what happens when people don't get 50%+1 on Election Day.

There wasn't any additional debate (the only one that happened should be more than enough to make a decision) that has happened in the month since the main Election Day, so what's that other different thing? Well, back in Election Day, it was believed that the Republican Party, if Herschel Walker won the Georgia Senate seat, would be able to control the Senate by having a majority. However, Republicans underperformed so much that now even if Herschel Walker wins, the Democrat Party will still control the Senate—which means that Herschel Walker's biggest argument for voting for him is irrelevant.

So that just leaves Herschel Walker running as Herschel Walker, not as a potential Republican country-wide saviour. And Herschel Walker as a person is... very stupid, and Georgia can do much, much better. Raphael Warnock the Warlock ain't a perfect politician (though he has a very interesting backstory), but he isn't a national embarrassment.

Even Republicans should be cautious about voting for Herschel Walker. (Maybe just stay home and listen to former President Donald John Trump's rants about how elections are rife with fraud and it'll be stolen regardless of your vote, so why bother voting at all?) The fact that the United States Senate does not have term limits should be an incentive for political parties to nominate capable, competent, and electable (young) people to office. Once they get into office and get an imcumbency advantage, they can stay in the office for many decades by easily staving off challengers. Herschel Walker, if he wins but then runs again in 2028... will not have such a powerful incumbency advantage. Assuming he's actually able to win in a primary election, he'll be one of the weakest incumbents in your country. He's a liability with no principles, no intelligence, no values. He's not running based on any issues. He doesn't even understand them. He's a pawn for a class of elite people—or one specific person, a former president of the United States—who don't have Georgia's best interests at heart.

Georgians who are registered to vote should find their polling place here, and make the right (or left-of-centre, in this case) decision!


Ludwig usually stumps for Republican Party candidates, but Herschel Walker is such a problem that he can't bring himself to do it. He also is a fan of Raphael Warnock the Warlock as a memetic figure. Come back to this article's comments section for a discussion of the results of this run-off election!


Looks like the correct guy won!

Butch and Cassidy are Emotionally Insecure, Unlike the Rest of Team Rocket

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - Self-worth must come from within.

So far, the Nintendo 64 game I've put the most time into with my Nintendo Switch Online + Expansion Pack has been Pokémon Puzzle League, since I've never actually played it before. (First (and probably final) time it's talked about in any capacity on KoopaTV, too.) Yeah, I've played Panel de Pon-style games before. And I know I'm...terrible at them, so it's not the most fun use of my time. Still, the first thing I did was go to the Spa Service to encounter Team Rocket members Jessie, James, and Meowth. Pokémon Puzzle League's window dressing is based on the first two seasons (including the Orange Islands) of the Pokémon anime, so as a fan, I wanted to see it.

It's quite obvious that Nintendo Software Technology was quite affected by the semi-frequent cross-dressing that went on between Jessie and James in the anime, since the lovable criminals cross-dress disproportionately more in the Spa Service levels than they do in the anime. This is an important point for Jessie and James's...relationship and personalities, and how they choose to express themselves and their identities. See this compilation I put together and mentally note it, because it contrasts greatly with another duo (sorry, Meowth, you're not important for this article):

KoopaTV's November 2022 Review Newsletter

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - Ew, we're in December.

I am not a big fan of the month of December, so before I have to fully commit to thinking about that, let's review November 2022. That's what this newsletter is dedicated to! Except the very last section of it. That one is looking forward.

November was great. Here's some evidence:

Top Five Recommended Experiences of November 2022

Here are my personal top five recommended KoopaTV experiences listed in chronological order, published in November 2022:

1. HARVESTELLA: From a Farm Sim Fan's Perspective — Witch Princess is finally back to penning articles and wrote about the HARVESTELLA demo from her perspective. She isn't on-board with it.
2. Team Grass-type in the Pokémon Partner Splatfest — Why KoopaTV was on Team Grass in the recent November Splatfest.
3. My Panda Cup Online Qualifiers 2022 Experience — Ludwig played in four Panda Cup Online Qualifiers and the regional qualifier finale. How well did he represent KoopaTV in Super Smash Bros. Ultimate?
4. Farm Sim Mechanics (and Gender) Degraded HARVESTELLA — Ludwig joined in to write KoopaTV's third article with impressions from the HARVESTELLA demo. He was quite critical of its mechanics.
5. Disgraced Game Developer Yuji Naka Arrested for Suspicions of Insider Trading — Yuji Naka is not only a bad guy, but also dumb, and got arrested for insider trading. Ludwig makes fun of him.

Well... it might be unpopular to talk about the Panda Cup at the moment given recent controversy, but it was still a really good article. Pretty much every other article on KoopaTV is also worth experiencing, even if it didn't make this list! Tough list, too.