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Tuesday, January 19, 2021

Welcome to the Fódlan Senate, Raphael Warnock the Warlock

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - I'll take you through Raphael's epic journey.

There once was a boy named Raphael Warnock, born in the Commoner class, who cared deeply for his commoner family. He was far from privileged, and had to work hard for his opportunities.

Fire Emblem Three Houses Raphael Commoner Level Up magic stat
Young Raphael Warnock was disappointed in only getting HP and Magic on his first level-up.
...But little did he know that learning Magic would set him up very well for the future.


Through resolve and grit (and a little luck), Raphael Warnock had the opportunity to attend a prestigious school with a religious tradition. Leaning into skills he didn't know he had (and thought he had a bane in), Raphael Warnock actually excelled and graduated.

Raphael passed Warlock certification exam Fire Emblem Three Houses magic Reason class
Raphael Warnock graduated as a Warlock!


Raphael Warnock the Warlock wanted to aspire to something more, more than himself, so he dedicated his life to helping other people. He was going to be an activist for the lower classes that he himself was rising out from, preaching for justice with compassion.

This led Raphael Warnock the Warlock to fight for social justice against the forces of oppression. He started off with a bottom-up approach, protesting in the ebony street trenches for justice and liberation against the selfish government, keeping himself alive with the brute force of his signature Warlock Punch, the Pneuma Gale.



Raphael soon decided he needed to have a bigger platform than scrapping on the streets to truly affect change, so he decided to campaign to become a Senator and take control in government to make change from the top-down. This pit him directly against the reigning corrupt Noble, Kelly Loeffler. Kelly Loeffler was one of the members of the noble class that enriched themselves with their power, like through insider trading of stocks, rather than try to improve the lives of the people they are supposed to represent. Still, despite doing nothing for the people and doing nothing of merit, noble Kelly Loeffler still had the support of the establishment. She would be a tough opponent for Raphael Warnock the Warlock.

Simultaneously, another Commoner, Jon Ossoff, was waging battle against another Noble, David Perdue. Raphael and Ossoff decided to team up against their entrenched noble foes, joining Kamala “Harris” Riegan's Golden Deermocrats Party to do so. They all opposed racism and wished to open the Fódlan borders up to other nations, such as Almyra, which were painted by Loeffler and Perdue as savage barbarians to be loathed.



Fire Emblem Three Houses Jon Ossoff Raphael Warnock support level now B
Finding like-minded friends, Raphael Warnock the Warlock and Jon Ossoff were motivated more than ever to make change.
(Support Level B is for brother.)


The Golden Deermocrats’ noble opponents repeatedly made claims that Raphael Warnock the Warlock and Jon Ossoff were “radical liberals” and would fundamentally “change” Fódlan. ...And that's precisely what the Golden Deermocrats wanted to do, because keeping Fódlan the way it was—a racist, unjust society—would be unacceptable, and betray their upbringing and promises to the people. They wouldn't be running otherwise if they were just going to maintain the status quo.

Fire Emblem Three Houses Western Church Soldier Raphael Warlock no damage
The attacks on Raphael Warnock the Warlock from Western civilisation cultists didn't phase him.
He was used to them.


Raphael Warnock the Warlock proved to be a bit more adept at campaigning against Kelly Loeffler than Jon Ossoff was against David Perdue, so Warnock really had to lean in and heal Ossoff from the repeated blistering attacks they both were facing. The math worked that Fódlan would only be changed if they both won, so they really had to assist one another however they could.



And in the end, in the month of the Guardian Moon, both Raphael Warnock the Warlock and Jon Ossoff did what others considered to be impossible, and defeated the corrupt noble incumbents.

Fire Emblem Three Houses Raphael Warlock using Bolganone Reason spell
“Should've trained better.”


Starting this week, Kamala Riegan's party will now take control of Fódlan's leadership, and implement real reforms and changes for the people.

After all of these years, Raphael Warnock the Warlock will finally shine, and make his mark on Fódlan...and even the entire world! Don't try to get in his way. He's come this far, and no one will stop him!


Fire Emblem Three Houses Raphael Warnock Warlock critical hit
“I'm on a roll!”



Ludwig wasn't sure if he should've edited in Georgia senator Raphael Warnock's face into all of the Raphael Kirsten photos, so he decided at the last moment on just the last picture. Thank you to Twitter user Dystroph for assistance on the Warlock Punch video footage for this article. If you got this far and don't get the joke, Raphael is a Fire Emblem: Three Houses character that is most known for being a physical tank relying on his muscles to punch things, having the lowest Magic stat in the game and having the worst opportunity of any unit to learn Reason magic. Having a very high Reason proficiency is the sole qualification for certifying for the Warlock class, which all means that no sane person would make Raphael a warlock. Raphael Warnock and Jon Ossoff are real guys who will be the next United States senators from the state of Georgia. Raphael Warnock has a cool last name that sounds a lot like warlock; he's also a reverend, which Fire Emblem would consider to be a magic-using job. Kelly Loeffler happens to unironically fit the description of a corrupt noble person regularly discussed in the world-building of Fire Emblem: Three Houses, so everything kind of worked out. ...Let Ludwig know if you agree in the comments section. ...Oh, and the videos have Ganondorf sound effects from Super Smash Bros. Melee because his signature attack is called the Warlock Punch.


While all of this is happening in the Alliance, what about the Kingdom? This article memorialises a true knight that died there.

10 comments :

  1. ez clap ez clap radical liberal raphael warnock DESTROYS alt right conservative american values through the power of MAGIC and KINDNESS, which are directly opposed to the alt right values of HATRED and NOT MAGIC.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. ...Yeah.

      Something like that.

      (I don't think Kelly Loeffler's values were alt right, conservative, or even American, though. Just the almighty DOLLAR. Erm, GOLD. Though I guess you could say that's very American.)

      Delete
  2. I forgot that there was Fire Emblem content here. Have you ever played Blazing Sword, AKA the original US import of Fire Emblem originally on GBA but that I now own on Wii U VC? I've had a lot of trouble trying to beat it...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, I've beaten it on Hector Hard Mode.

      Delete
    2. I haven't even gotten past Chapter 19 on Eliwood Normal mode... :/

      Delete
    3. Try using Marcus and give him a bunch of Javelins.

      Delete
    4. Actually USE the resident Jaegan? Ahahahaha...no.

      Delete
    5. Then don't complain about having trouble beating it if you're going out of your way to make it more difficult. Marcus can be used effectively until basically the end of the game.

      Delete
    6. I wasn't complaining, I was being envious. I'm pretty sure that's not the same thing as complaining...right? ^^;

      Delete
    7. ...Anyway, so just try using him. >_>

      Delete

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