KoopaTV's November 2017 Review Newsletter

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - Greater engagement for a better site!

We've been working really hard at KoopaTV during the month of November 2017 to really satisfy you and improve the site. I think, statistically, this is one of the most engaged time periods in KoopaTV history from a userbase standpoint, which makes me really excited as someone whose main goal is to try to foster a community around KoopaTV's amazing content. And, believe me, we ain't slouching on the content perspective. I think that'll be clear as you read this newsletter.

Of course, I wish to continue our success. You, the readers, can make or break that. We do wish to cater to you so you will feel good enough about us to be on Team Make.

Let's get some numbers on the screen:

KoopaTV Loyalty Rewards Program Round 17 Mid-Round Leaderboard and NEWS!

As of publishing, these are the standings for the KoopaTV Loyalty Rewards Program Round 17. The mid-round part indicates the round started on November 1, and it ends December 30.

1. ShinyGirafarig — 38 points
2. Kody B. — 31 points
3. Charssie god — 29 points
4. Lheticus Videre — 28 points
5. Stray Dog — 28 points
6. Nandin Lopez — 25 points
7. Samantha Liennard — 23 points

You know, we could get into a scenario where there is a tie. I don't even know what happens if a tie occurs, but this is significant because, just to remind you, Round 17's prizes are $25 for first place, $12.05 for second place, $10 for third place, and $10 to a randomly-selected person based on a raffle system. (All prizes distributed via Amazon gift card code.) So even if you aren't in first, second, or third, you can win something. Plus, it's simple to get in first, second, or third, especially with big point-getting opportunities like guest posts, requests, filling out KoopaTV's fun Feedback Forms and Quizzes, and even one-time events like creating content around KoopaTV's games. ...Basically, anything on the KoopaTV Interactive Pages tab. Oh, and consistently commenting get you a long way.

This section isn't done yet, however. Note the NEWS! in the header. What could it be?

The Complete Primer on Net Neutrality and Title II Regulation

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - Fear tactics and scaremongering, sponsored by Silicon Valley.

I have a ton of requests that have come my way for me to share my complete take on “net neutrality.” This is because the Federal Communications Commission is having a vote this December 14 about it. Many people have done a fine job sharing the term around while saying it is under assault and the fate of the Internet is at stake. Significantly fewer people actually understand what is really going on. Since I'm widely seen as an intelligent thought leader on these kinds of issues, people look to me to know the truth and I've sort of been avoiding writing an article on net neutrality for years, including ignoring the issue on this site when it came to prominence in 2015.

Why? It's extremely complicated, and to properly understand net neutrality, you need to know the history of the Internet and the technical details of how it works. I am going to do just that, and then give you my analysis on the net neutrality issue at hand, the scare-tactics people use, and why those scare tactics are effective. In the process of doing that, I will apply some much-needed CRITICAL THINKING to the discussion, which is sorely lacking right now.

If I am factually incorrect on anything I am writing in this article, please let me know in the comments section. I will reward you for correcting me for misstatements in this article, and almost every other article on this site, through KoopaTV's Corrections Corner feature. (More on that in the italicised footer at the bottom of this article.)

With that said, I will start my complete primer. Hover your mouse over each heading to figure out the url anchor, so you can hyperlink to specific article sections if you desire. Also, check out the comments section, since that has pretty good discussion and elaboration of some points from this article. This article has been updated as of December 14.

Submit Your Pocket Card Jockey Records; How To Get Good Ones!

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - Submission sheet created by the Pocket Card Jockey subreddit; sponsored by KoopaTV.

Do you play Pocket Card Jockey? (In a world where people made good decisions, all of your hands/paws/claws should go up.) If you're as fascinated by Pocket Card Jockey as we at KoopaTV are — and you would be fascinated by Pocket Card Jockey's deep mechanics and repeatable fun if you played it — then you probably have played it for a long time, and have participated in many of its races.

It's only $7 on the 3DS's Nintendo eShop, and there is a free demo that is representative of the game that allows you to transfer your progress to the full game.

Pocket Card Jockey times you on how fast you can complete its races, and then keeps those records in a museum. In that deep-dive article I linked in the first paragraph, all I mentioned about these records was that,

“you're also timed on how long it takes to complete all of the Solitaire phases of a race if you want to try to beat your own score/Jagger's records/StreetPass records.”

They weren't a big focus for me when playing the game, and I've played it for over 130 hours now. There are a number of tactics you can do to reduce your time that would be counterproductive if you were playing the game normally, which I will get to below the fold.

BUT FIRST, I would like everyone who has Pocket Card Jockey to go to this public Google spreadsheet started by Redditor Quivico and enter in your record times, as provided by the game's museum. It's an easy sheet to figure out — each person has their column, and the five race courses have their own spreadsheet tabs. If you have any questions, let me know in the comments, since the rest of this article will be TIPS & TRICKS to getting a good record in Pocket Card Jockey.

Nintendo Switch Wins 2017's Black Friday AND Cyber Monday

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - It also won Thanksgiving, but do people really spend their Thanksgiving buying stuff?

I haven't heard Nintendo outright winning something important for about a decade now, but according to Adobe, which is apparently in the business of market intelligence and data, the Nintendo Switch was the top selling product on Thanksgiving, Black Friday, and Cyber Monday. In the interest of being fair & balanced, we have to point out that it was beaten by Microsoft's Xbox One X on Small Business Saturday, but who cares about that day besides Linda McMahon?

Our pictures aren't fair & balanced, though.
(What the hell is a Hatchimal, a Colleggtible, or a PJ Mask?)
Source: Adobe Digital Insights.

To answer my heading's question, it seems the times have passed by me and I haven't noticed. It seems like it was a mere two years ago that GameStop was taking a stand for family values on Thanksgiving by being closed. In 2017, however, GameStop announced early that they would be open, and they were, promoting whatever the hell a Fingerling is.

Why did GameStop abandon family values? For profit, of course. Profit selling what? Nintendo Switch consoles, according to their earnings call. Years ago, there was no blockbuster Nintendo Switch to sell and the market was in a down period. Now there is a hot item to sell, and you can see which way their value systems go. In fact, according to that earnings call,

The Miiverse Post History Has Come In! It's Interesting...

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - There are some nice goodies in here, though it's separated out.

During people's Thanksgiving dinners on November 23, Nintendo sent me an e-mail: “Ludwig: Your Miiverse post history is ready.” This is what we've been waiting for since Miiverse got discontinued a few weeks ago. After all, KoopaTV published a “Miiverse Downloading Your Post History FAQ!” for people to get all of the information they need on this. How consistent was the FAQ to what really happened?

Inside the e-mail is a unique url that leads me to downloading a .zip file to my computer, as Nintendo promised. There are instructions and interesting details:

“-Nintendo Network ID: PrinceOfKoopas

-File size: Approximately 32.2 MB

-URL expiration date: 12/31/2017

-You will not be able to download the file after the expiration date listed above.

-Please do not use a smart device to download and view the file, as the file download will only be supported on a computer.

-Depending on your post count, the file may be a few hundred MB or a few GB.

-Anyone with access to the URL listed above can access and download your post history. Please be cautious with the URL.”

They didn't mention there would be an expiration date. Also, my file size is significantly less than they promised, even though I have over 500 posts and they're almost all hand-written with screenshots. I was known on Miiverse for making very few posts despite my time spent using Miiverse (0.311 posts per day, or 2 posts a week), but how many shit-posts did people make to get that big a file size of a few GB? Especially since it didn't save your text posts as images in the .zip?

I'll tell you what was — and what was not — included in the file that Nintendo sent. Basically, they give you the assets to recreate your Miiverse profile, including some common assets, so it will look like the main draw of the post downloader: index.html. Looks like this:

Epic, Massive Nintendo eShop Cyber Deals 2017!

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - Featuring only... SOME Ace Attorney games on sale?

Originally, I was going to skip writing about whatever Nintendo was doing for Black Friday because it's so crappy — a Nintendo 2DS (a 2DS that is otherwise discontinued, not a New 2DS XL) with a game for $80. Awful.

But THEN Nintendo revealed their CYBER DEALS lasting until December 11, and that was a game-changer. There are significant savings for Nintendo Switch, Nintendo 3DS, and even Wii U games.

The most important part of the CYBER DEALS is that it is yet another opportunity that the Ace Attorney games are on-sale on the eShop. KoopaTV has a mandate to tell you every time this happens, so here we go:

Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney — Dual Destinies is 66.67% off at $9.99, and Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney — Spirit of Justice is 50% off at $14.99.

That's it. ...Yeah, there's a game that always gets on sale when Ace Attorney games get on sale that is not on sale this time. Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney Trilogy is its full $30 price. (Which is still a significant value, by the way.)

Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney Trilogy is full-price, while the other games are either on sale or they literally just came out this week.

For comparison, the last time these games were on sale was the CAPCOM Summer Sale three months ago. Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney — Dual Destinies is at an ALL-TIME discount right now, 20 cents cheaper than before. Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney — Spirit of Justice is also at an ALL-TIME discount, going from an all-time high of 40% to 50%. These are both record-breaking sales for their respective game. But the question is... why isn't Trilogy on sale?

Maybe CAPCOM really is going to re-release Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney Trilogy on the Nintendo Switch, and very soon. Or, they need to save some sales for the CAPCOM Winter Sale 2017! Take your bets on whether or not Apollo Justice: Ace Attorney will get a discount next month.


There are a lot of other games that are on sale that aren't Ace Attorney, so you are encouraged to check out a Nintendo eShop nearest you before December 11 and see if anything interests you.


Compare these to Nintendo's Cyber Deals 2016.
Even without any hardware deals, the Nintendo Switch dominated Black Friday and Cyber Monday.
The next Ace Attorney sale is concurrent with this one... on the mobile ecosystem.
The next eShop Ace Attorney sale happened without any promotion in February.

This is Roxy, Signing Out of KoopaTV — For The Last Time

By ROXY - Good-bye, and thank you!

After eleven months, I have decided to leave KoopaTV. I enjoyed keeping the content of the site on the straight and narrow by doing real news and investigative journalism. The corporate social responsibility opportunities were also very rewarding!

I really learned a lot working with the staff here, and I have a much greater appreciation for birds, robots, and turtles than I did before joining KoopaTV. The staff have also said they will serve as my endorsements for future endeavors, and I have a lot of material to put on my CV. I also managed to lose quite a lot of weight being on KoopaTV's staff since I have had to sustain off instant noodles with KoopaTV's nonexistent salary.

I have become fascinated with the United Kingdom and have decided to apply as a reporter with the BBC. I don't actually have the job yet, so please wish me luck!

I'm really thankful for Roxy being a part of our wonderful KoopaTV family. She brought unique perspectives to our site's activities, being both a woman and a human. She did her part to try to add some hard-news legitimacy to KoopaTV's antics, like her E3 2017 News Round-Up after, like, over 25 live reaction logs from our zany and biased staff. She took one for the team. ...Erm, I want to specify that KoopaTV will still be a legitimate organisation after Roxy departs, as it was before she joined our staff. Anyway, there's a lot that she influenced behind the scenes at KoopaTV, including doing research on if our sources of information for our articles were true or FAKE NEWS. I just wish she got to participate in at least one live reaction log, but it's alright if that wasn't her thing, since those are all about opinions. She's like former Seminole County Associate Medical Examiner Shiping Bao: No opinions. Just the facts! That's the making of a great journalist!

Roxy is more on my mind than a goat on a hobo. She kept up with my internal polling numbers even when things went pear-shaped. She rose to the task of reporting dangerous political extremism even if she accidentally reported on the wrong event. And most importantly, Roxy abstained from implicating us in areas of sexual harassment (some call it #MeToo) even after KoopaTV subjected her to the horrific sight of John McCain and Lindsey Graham dancing naked. Thank you Roxy.

I'd like to express my appreciation to Roxy for her services to KoopaTV, especially for taking the time to investigate my disappearance. ...Not that she managed to find me. I don't know whether that reflects well on my ability to live inconspicuously or poorly on her investigative talents. Oh well, at least she tried. See ya, Rox.

Don't worry. We've put her to work.... Somewhere.

Who is Roxy?





Roxy has instilled in KoopaTV a renewed sense of truth to its levity, and KoopaTV will continue to do battle against the forces of “fake news” even after her departure. Thank you for your service to KoopaTV, Roxy!


Roxy will always live on as a KoopaTV employee in the critically-acclaimed free PC game, The Wonderful 1237.
For a more traditional Thanksgiving article from the staff, see 2016's. Roxy wasn't on the staff at this time.

Knickers in a Twist: The Pink Underwar

By RAWKHAWK2010 - Pinkie and the Inane.

If you've been keeping up with the news, President Donald John Trump just this week issued two presidential pardons. Who for? Drumstick and Wishbone, of course! The two not-for-Thanksgiving turkeys will be living out the rest of their days at "Gobbler's Rest", which I'm pretty sure isn't a Pokémon Mystery Dungeon Friend Area. I'm also pretty sure that this Drumstick has nothing to do with the Drumstick from off of Diddy Kong Racing. The Drumstick from off of Diddy Kong Racing is a rooster. Roosters aren't turkeys. Drumstick the Rooster has his weird fleshy appendage standing on top of his head, while the pardoned Drumstick gets to have it droop from his beak like a flaccid Flying egg group penis. I THANKfully don't have to deal with any of that.

Anyway, this isn't President Donald John Trump's first presidential pardon. The first got dumped on us back in August and right in the middle of Hurricane Harvey (who the hell names a hurricane Harvey?), causing media to halt hurricane coverage so that they could talk about whatever Trump just did instead. The pardon in question was specifically a pardon of "America's Toughest Sheriff" (and human) Joe Arpeggio Arpaio after he was previously convicted on counts of criminal contempt of court.

Who exactly is Sheriff Joe Arpaio? That's what all the 20-years-old 20/20 episodes are for. A brief summary however is that he's a man who's long been the target of controversy in how he treats his dudes. He's been criticized for subjecting prisoners to 140° degree temperatures, having them subsist on 50¢ balogna sandwiches, and the most egregious punishment of all -- the pink underwear.

One guy can't even show his face.

Apollo Justice: Ace Attorney Now Out On 3DS!

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - It's an Ace Attorney game. Buy it. Duh.

You might think that the Nintendo 3DS is officially dead. After all, Pokémon Ultra Sun and Pokémon Ultra Moon just came out at the end of last week, and there doesn't appear to be any more lifespan after that besides Kirby Battle Royale, which really shouldn't be on your radar except for the poll.

Ho, ho, ho. Aren't you forgetting something?

I offer you... an... 

OBJECTION!

Taking Back My Apology: Pokémon Ultra Sun and Ultra Moon Haven't Changed Much

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - It looks like most people have finally caught up to what I was saying for half a year.

From what I can tell Lapras Paddling the Internet (what, you think I'd Mantine Surf it?), I got a lot of street credibility for apologising for my “Pokémon Ultra Sun and Pokémon Ultra Moon aren't different enough from Pokémon Sun and Pokémon Moon” position with the Team Rainbow Rocket article.

I formally take back my apology. In fact, now that Pokémon Ultra Sun and Pokémon Ultra Moon are released and everyone knows (or can know) what the game consists of, I would like to take this opportunity to GLOAT that I was RIGHT THE ENTIRE TIME and I should have never doubted myself. Though, even in my apology, I was still correct. Allow me to chronicle and quote my own spot-on brilliance from Pokémon Ultra Sun and Pokémon Ultra Moon's announcement up to this point. (This also serves as KoopaTV's way to cap off our coverage of the game.)