Happy Friday the 13th from KoopaTV!

By RAWKHAWK2010 - Have a DOUBLE FEATURE.

Two awesome music videos if you See More!

Code Name S.T.E.A.M.? Get Ace Attorney on sale instead!

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - Code Name S.T.E.A.M. is getting some deservedly bad reviews.

It is clear that I got off on the wrong claw with Code Name S.T.E.A.M.. I mean, look at our live reactions when it was first "revealed"... behind closed doors. And that whole conference was just full of misinformation to the folks on the outside. To this day, it's unclear why Code Name S.T.E.A.M. was revealed in secrecy when Nintendo was revolutionising every other part of E3 (besides Pac-Man's reveal, which was behind closed doors to prevent a riot) with its wonderfully transparent Treehouse Live series.

After E3 ended, it was a running gag in the [Koopa Keep] AIM Blast (and thus in our live reaction logs) that I kept forgetting Code Name S.T.E.A.M. even existed. It was weird, sure, but it wasn't exactly memorable. It was this sort of drab, slow, not very colourful game that we didn't even have a grand showing for.

Then I suddenly remembered it existed and realised, hey, wow, this game is coming out this quarter. So here's an article trashing its amiibo usage as threatening to canon, and then another article expanding on that a month later in huge detail.

#IStandWithPhils

By RAWKHAWK2010 - A simple philosophy.

A few weeks ago, something happened called CPAC (Conservative Political Action Conference). Ludwig would know more about that than me, but I do know Phil Robertson was there, and Phil Robertson is an alright dude. He knows the value of Southern culture -- not the yuppie, carpetbag culture you're probably familiar with (aka indoor swimming pools, dog sled racing, and not waving at neighbors), but something with a little more heart. One that embodies things like faith, family, and grocery chains with silly names. (That first thing I could take or leave, but the third gets me more excited than fired ex-staffer YoshiRider123 at the eShop update screen.)

Duck Dynasty 3DS may be on eShop, but good ol' Southern values can't be bought!

Mario: Racist Oppressor! Cow Hater!

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - See his cow policy at Moo Moo Meadows.

MARCH 10 has been deemed "MAR10 Day" for years. It was basically a holiday back at the old Nintendo NSider Forums. If we are shaming the governments of Earth for manipulating one hour of the year, then we should shame that plumber and his corporate sponsors for manipulating an entire day!

Yours truly, the prince of Koopa Kingdom, went ahead and performed an undercover investigation (and then a raid) on Moo Moo Meadows. It turns out that Moo Moo Meadows is hiding a deep, multi-coloured secret... of racism.

We got pictures. ...And we know who is behind it! 

A cute chocolate cow... Behind the fence?

Daylight Savings Time dooms the world

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - This is the way the world ends / This is the way the world ends / Not with a bang but with Daylight Savings Time.

Did you "spring forward" an hour yesterday? If you didn't, then you're either in Arizona, Hawaii, Saskatchewan, somewhere not in our target audience (we love you, Japan!), or you... FORGOT! And if you're under that last bit, well, you're screwed! You're probably late to school or work. It's better to not show up at all than to show up late, so get a doctor's note and spend the rest of the day reading KoopaTV articles and getting points for the Loyalty Rewards Program.

Daylight Savings Time is one of the worst times of the year. It's an arbitrary (if it wasn't, it wouldn't be able to be changed so easily) time where you adjust every clock in your house or office an hour ahead or an hour back. You hate when it's an hour ahead (like yesterday) and feel slightly better when it's an hour back, since you "get an extra hour of sleep". That hour you spent sleeping is really wasted finding all the clocks and changing them, though.

Remember: Since the GameCube, Nintendo systems have had a timer on them. So you better change the internal times to your 3DS and Wii U and any other game system you still use from the past decade, since they sure don't do it automatically!

Now Introducing...the KoopaTV Store!

By RAWKHAWK2010 - Must-haves for any KoopaTV fan!

At last, it is upon us. Following years of humble experimentation (to bring you the Truth and Levity our readers deserve), we at KoopaTV would like to announce that our organization is now set to enter the next frontier.

...MERCHANDISE.

(Last Updated: 10/21/2015.) 

Note 10/21/2015: With Rawk's departure, the KoopaTV Store is currently without a proprietor, so we cannot take your orders. Our apologies.

All items are prepared and ready to ship. So without further ado, our first wave:

KoopaTV Mug

$30.00 USD

KoopaTV has articles daily so that you can start your morning right. But caffeine is important too, so get the most out of your morning ritual with a high-impact ceramic KoopaTV mug!

• Custom cast.
• 14 fluid ounce capacity.
• 4.25" tall, 4" wide (5" with handle).
• Dishwasher and microwave safe (though these might shorten its longevity...a lot).

KoopaTV Baby Creeper
$14.95 USD

“That’s a really down-to-earth and politically-informed outfit!”, you’ll hear from the other mommies when they see your tyke’s one-of-a-kind KoopaTV bodysuit. Offer includes not only the shirt, but also the baby!* -- produced right here in our Sierra Leone office.

• 5.5 oz. 100% cotton (Heather contains 10% polyester) jersey.
• Ribbed crew neck.
• Reinforced three snap closure.

*while supplies last
*non-refundable 

KoopaTV's Greatest Hits
$24.95 USD

Jam out to your favorite KoopaTV tunes with KoopaTV's GREATEST HITS. Track listing is as follows:

1. I Have a Dream 

2. A Sonnet for Sakurai

3. Password

4. The Shell-Spangled Banner

5. Get a Gun

6. Baby It's Cold Outside (So Read KoopaTV!)

7. Koopasentai
8. The Fresh Prince Of Koopa Kingdom
9. Ain't No Koopa High Enough

• Dimensions: 5.5” x 0.5” x 7.44”.

Trayvon Tyson's Take-Out!! 

$54.95 USD (Quantity: 10)

Read every KoopaTV article but still hungry for more? Then order up some Trayvon Tyson's Take Out!!. Each box comes filled with a random assortment of foods pulled from our finest Sierra Leonean cuisine, ranging from krin-krin-and-fish-balls to...unprocessed leaves and roots. (Gird your loins, kids.)

• Dimensions: 2” x 2.75” x 2”.
• Approved by Michelle Obama's Starve-the-Kids Committee. 

Defend Anita Sarkeesian 10x14 Puzzle
$14.95 USD

And all the king's horses, and all the king's men...couldn't put Bendy together again. But maybe you can!

• Size: 10" x 14" (252 pieces).
• Includes beautiful gift box with puzzle image printed on lid.
• Sturdy cardboard stock, mounted on chipboard.
• Easy wipe-clean surface.

Barbie Devil Poker Chips 
$8.99 USD (25 Piece) 

Get 'em while they're hot! Inspired by the latest KoopaTV IP, these chips are eye-catching as well as classy -- and might even elicit warm, fuzzy feelings of a certain Sexy WiiWare game. (*sizzle*)

• Clay Composite.
• 14 grams.

TV Troopas Wall Clock
$35.00 USD

Time is too slow for those who wait, too swift for those who fear, too long for those who grieve, too short for those who rejoice, but for former KoopaTV staffers Claira and Devin, time is eternity. 

• 2 sizes: 8" diameter (medium) or 10.75" diameter (large).
• Not DST-compatible.

And last but not least...

KoopaTV "Glimmer of Hope" T-Shirt

$28.95 USD

You wanted it, you got it! Accompanied by a cool dog, just like the lad asked. (We also have male fit varieties, but with far less inventory since males make up a considerably smaller percentage of the KoopaTV audience.)

• Model is 5’9” and is wearing a medium.
• Runs small; order 1-2 sizes larger for a looser fit.
• 100% Fine Jersey cotton construction (Heather Grey contains 10% Polyester).
• Durable rib neckband.
• No dogs/blogs were hurt in the making of this shirt.

See anything from Wave 1 that strikes your fancy? Submit all order inquiries in the comments section below!

Free To Play...Station 4?!

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - The dangerous business model ensnaring the console market.

One thing the console wars mentality gives us is a sense of camaraderie. Like the Trinity of Magic in Fire Emblem: Radiant Dawn. Dark magic beats Anima magic, Anima magic beats Light, and Light magic beats Dark magic. Within Anima, there is another triangle: Wind magic beats Thunder magic, Thunder beats Fire magic, and Fire beats Wind. Nintendo, Sony, and Microsoft are like the Anima magic, while PC gaming and mobile gaming are Dark and Light. (No word on exactly what magic they each correspond to... it's not important. You're free to comment your speculation on it, though.) We all don't like each other in console wars mentality, but we can team up against our greater sector competitors.

Unfortunately, this camaraderie is breaking down. One example is that Sony, with its PlayStation 4 (supposedly it has now sold over 20 million of them, making it the dominant market leader), is fully embracing the free-to-play model, which is traditionally the domain of the mobile sector. This is according to Sarah Thompson at the 2015 Game Developers Conference. She is, according to GameSpot, a "senior account executive for PlayStation's free-to-play business". You know what that means? Sony has an entire DIVISION dedicated to free-to-play. And you know what that means? The cancerous environment plaguing mobile games is coming to a console near you!

Meme Run ran away off Wii U

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - Cause: Acts of stupidity. Effect: Removal.

Infamously bad game Meme Run from Nintendo indie developer Ninja Pig Studios was removed this week from the Nintendo eShop. It also had its community removed from Miiverse, as well as its game description on Nintendo.com. KoopaTV first wrote about this disaster when it was first announced, telling you to instead play PC Game of the Year A Koopa's Revenge 2. It came out on December 18, 2014. So it lasted, y'know, two and a half months.

So am I happy? Sure! It was a terrible game. It attracted a lot of Miiverse's morons in a few centralised communities, I guess. Its developer, Jordan, regularly [ab]used his Verified User status (which he still has) to make announcements to Miiverse full of spammy content. Miiverse has a "Posts From Verified Users" section that is prominently provided at the Communities tab. Jordan often appears here. (Jordan is well aware of his Miiverse strategy to attract kids (8-14 years old, according to Jordan). "I would relate to kids through what they like." However, he believes that YouTube drives sales, not Miiverse.)

So you're left wondering: How did Meme Run survive Nintendo's approval process, and why is it taken down? We have answers to... at least one of those. Oh, and thoughts on Jordan's thought process.

Go ape with Donkey Kong Country! And Land!

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - EXPAND your horizons.

If you are reading this article now, then it is too late for you to take advantage of the Nintendo eShop deal where you can buy an $8 Donkey Kong Country Virtual Console title and save $15 off Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (which had the best soundtrack of 2014). But hey, Nintendo notified you on your Wii U and/or Nintendo 3DS, though apparently system messages aren't enough to get your point across.

Either way, Donkey Kong Country 1-3 and Donkey Kong Land 1-3 are out on Wii U Virtual Console and 3DS Virtual Console, respectively. Here's Nintendo's video on it:

...Why is this article-worthy? Well, because the Donkey Kong Country SNES games had a bit of a... unique situation while on the Wii.

KoopaTV and the February Fortunes

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - A brief detour back into our old way of titling these.

As we've said a bunch of times last month, we did not exist in February 2014. That would've been our first February if we were around, so now THIS was our first February! So back to old naming schemes just for now. And what a nice February it was.

By the way, the KoopaTV Loyalty Rewards Program began yesterday. ...You better get on that, since this is lasting from March 1st to May 30th. You can envision how getting an early advantage now before people have heard of this or before people appreciate how easy it will be to get free stuff will be very... profitable for you. So I think the big plans we said we'd announce last month during February actually happened. We got the Loyalty Program. We got three new hires to our staff. That's all significant stuff, and we also brought you great articles. So here are five of my most recommended articles from February 2015, in chronological order:

1. Are Our Soundtracks Safe?
2. Mainstream Media Bias Against New 3DS
3. Dawn of A New Day: The Majora's Mask 3D release
4. Ike and Abe? That'd never happen.
5. Nintendo shouldn't buy Third Party IPs

All the articles last month, and on KoopaTV in general, are totally worth reading. We strive to bring you high quality material delivered in high quality prose. Truth and levity are our call words!

We just want more from you, the reader. And now we're bribing you through our Loyalty Rewards Program to get that from you. After all, we love reader feedback, and we love new people. ...'cause we want to specifically avoid echo chambers. They're warm and cozy but they sort of ruin your ears after a while. We also love giving.

By the way, the About Page has been updated with a fancy new chart that aims to prove we're Fair & Balanced. (It's less fancy and more funny, don't worry.) And we'll keep that up as we try to diversify our offerings. Everything we touch is gold, so might as well touch as much stuff as we can!

TOUCHING IS GOOD! Leading Kirby into the sewer known as KoopaTV!

Be the finger, and share KoopaTV to anyone you know for them to question your sanity. It's always good to question that once in a while, anyway. And now you get Loyalty Reward points for referring people!


For last month's newsletter, click here.
For next month's newsletter and updated standings for the Loyalty Rewards Program, click here.
For 2016's February newsletter, click here!