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Thursday, July 16, 2020

Tear Down the Statues—Replace With Bowser Statues Instead!

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - Superior monuments.

Once upon a time, in KoopaTV's first month (so expect Early Installment Weirdness), I wrote an article about people keeping Confederate States of America-era flags up. I made the point that the United States of America is guilty of many of the sins (plus more!) that the Confederacy was, yet people proudly fly the USA flag but disapprove of flying the CSA flag. My point was that it's either okay to fly both flags, or it shouldn't be okay to fly either. My intention was the former—but the latter is also logically consistent, so that is also acceptable.

At the time and for a while since, I've been bashed for this line of thinking, but it turns out that horseshoe theory is real and many years later, people have come to agree with me. Not only are protestors/rioters (inspired from the death of George Floyd) removing Confederate/pro-slavery statues and monuments, but they are also destroying American ones as well; even pro-Union/anti-slavery monuments. Even George Washington! They also tried to topple the Emancipation Memorial featuring Abraham Lincoln, and I'm infamous for my dislike of that guy, in a famous article comparing Abraham Lincoln to Mad King Ashnard. For the same reasons, by the way, that the protestors dislike Lincoln.

I also support the destruction/removal of the Mario-featured Mt. Rushmore, like some of these protestors (and Native Americans) do.

Therefore, I'm actually supportive of tearing down those American and Confederate statues. People against that claim that statues are necessary for people to learn history, as if the presence of a statue has a knowledge-boosting area-of-effect on the population of whatever town it's in. If the town doesn't have a statue about a given topic, then I guess the residents will never be able to know about that topic? Not like Wikipedia exists. Probably does a better job of teaching than looking at a statue and reading a plaque, anyway.

However, there are much better alternatives in statue manufacturing out there. Take a look at what Koopa Kingdom has accomplished with our momentous monuments:

Mario Tennis Aces Bowser Statue boss cutscene fire breath
This is... a Bowser Statue!
Mario Party 8 Punch a Bunch Bowser Statue boxing glove fist vandalism
What happens when miscreants like Mario try to destroy a Bowser Statue?
Mario Tennis Aces Bowser Statue boss fight fire breath burn hit

It is inferior to make monuments simply for the purpose of looking at them and “learning from history so you don't repeat it” or whatever. That whole idea is nonsense. However, what if you have monuments that serve useful purposes?

Many, many years ago, I once heard a quote on the History Channel that I can't attribute or find anyone saying anything about it that went along the lines of, “Great rulers made a legacy for themselves either by succeeding in war, or by building out infrastructure.” The Koopa Kingdom approach to monuments and statues fulfills both of those categories. Not only do the monuments look beautiful, but they have an actual practical purpose of defending the land (and residents...and itself) from invaders and vandals. ...And any other practical use of having a local fire starter.

Mario Tennis Aces Bowser Statue boss fight barrier shield laser beam fire
You know I have a documented affinity for laser-shooting statues. Just ask Dragaux.
(Dragaux does a good job with this concept too.)

If you'd ever find King Bowser to be “problematic” like Americans are finding their past leaders to be, and you wanted to remove the statue... well, you probably wouldn't be able to, unless you have some kind of super power. The statue is here to stay. It's a great way to make one's mark on history.

I suppose there might be other reasons besides history-erasure that you'd want to remove a giant monument, though. Maybe you need to build an oil pipeline through the land or something. Well, too bad. You gotta be REALLY thoughtful about the state of the future when considering statue placement when the statue will roast you for trying to interfere with it. Lord Bowser, of course, is quite thoughtful.

Mario Tennis Aces Bowser Statue boss GAME OVER fire flames
You say this is assaulting protestors, but it's only the statue's right to self-defence.

It would be quite something for statues of George Washington to be replaced with King Bowser Koopa... in America! You humans would love it. It's hard to think about now in the summer months, but come winter, you'd love having a fire-breathing statue in the centre of your town. And you'd never want to take it down, both because it's useful and because it'd be suicidal. Through his statue, King Bowser keeps you warm. By comparison, what has George Washington done for you LATELY? If you have an answer to that, or any comments on any topic discussed in this article, please use the comments section. KoopaTV is also all about freedom of speech!


  1. We will never move on as a nation if we keep bringing up the villains of the past. King Bowser statues must be erected in every major city so we are reminded of what true heroism looks like. In the face of adversity, King Bowser never surrenders. He can be immersed in lava countless times and even be sent to the outer edges of space, yet he keeps persisting until the evil plumber has finally been defeated.

  2. I'm not comfortable with fire-starting statues in the middle of towns. Maybe put them on the border instead.

    1. Hm... at the border, those fire-breathing statues could be both border security AND a warm greeting!


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