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Monday, October 28, 2019

Koopa Kingdom Celebrates Game Over of ISIS Founder Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - Death to the enemies of Koopa Kingdom!

Amazing and material news for Koopa Kingdom came out of Planet Earth over the weekend: Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, the leader and arguably founder of the Islamic State of Iraq & Syria (ISIS—sometimes known as Islamic State of Iraq & the Levant for ISIL; Daesh; or just Islamic State [IS—not to be confused with Nintendo developer Intelligent Systems]) was KILLED. He's dead! No more! GAME OVER.

President Donald John Trump of the United States of America confirmed this via news conference. He talks for about 9 minutes and the rest is question & answer with the press:

Obliterating ISIS has been a major Koopa Kingdom priority for years, and especially for KoopaTV. That's because ISIS, under the leadership of al-Baghdadi, was an expert via social media in manipulating people outside of the Middle East to come join their jihad and fight for their caliphate of world domination under an extremely oppressive Islamic ideology. That's not just a theory for us at KoopaTV. It happened to our very own Noxial, who quit KoopaTV as our social media person after mere weeks on the job to go join ISIS. She took one of our then-mascots, Devin the TV Troopa, with her, and Devin died in an ISIS-forced suicidal Blue Shell.

So, yes. ISIS members are very bad people and Koopa killers, and given the opportunity, they'd kill more Koopas. Less importantly, under al-Baghdadi's leadership, they killed many thousands of Middle Eastern people, beheaded many Westerners and Japanese, displaced many hundreds of thousands of people, and conquered a lot of territory.

The leader is dead, but these are radical Islamic terrorists. They won't be gone after this.

Super Paper Mario Dimentio kills game overs Mario Peach Bowser magic field explosions
Think of Dimentio as Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, because ISIS literally burned people alive in cages.

Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi almost certainly had plans for succession, and if not, other ISIS thugs will just fight it out for leadership. After all, al-Baghdadi came to power once ISIS's predecessor's (known as ISI—Islamic State of Iraq) leader(s) was killed by the United States, and the titular terrorist charismatically took control. And with apparently a lot more competence.

And that ended up with a lot of death and foreign recruitment. So it's a good thing this guy is dead. Hopefully the next guys aren't so cunning and are a lot more manageable.

President Donald John Trump apparently watched the whole happen on live video feed. The United States informed and thanked various folks in the area (Syria, Iraq, Turkey, the Russians) that they'd need use of the air space to get to where al-Baghdadi was hanging out (in Syria), though without stating the purpose. The nations acquiesced. American special forces burst through al-Baghdadi's compound and entered a firefight. Some ISIS members surrendered, and lots got killed. Miraculously, the American forces remained unscathed. They then figured out al-Baghdadi (and three children—it's not specified whether the children were his or three random kids) was hiding in a dead-end tunnel and sent a dog after him. The dog got al-Baghdadi to whimper, scream, and cry, and then al-Baghdadi activated his suicide vest and died as the tunnel collapsed on him. The American dog suffered some injuries and retreated, and President Donald John Trump then described al-Baghdadi as a coward and that he “died like a dog”, which seems inappropriate given the American dog's role in this. DNA results on the remnants of al-Baghdadi's body confirmed that it was him.

Super Paper Mario Dimentio Luigi game over magic field
Now picture Luigi as the three children that al-Baghdadi brought into the tunnel with him.

I think we can take inspiration from this, and by we I mean Koopa Kingdom. If the United States can successfully track down an international terrorist and eliminate him, so too can Koopa Kingdom destroy Mario and bring him to justice. I mean, the big challenge for the USA was figuring out where Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi was hiding. Koopa Kingdom knows exactly where Mario's house is!

Ludwig doesn't know what happened to Noxial, by the way. There are reports of ISIS fighters and ISIS family members (including brides) escaping U.S/Kurdish custody and now they're out there. Noxial might be one of those fighters or brides. No one knows. It's not wise or safe to send more Koopas over to the Middle East to find out. If you're an Earthling, do you feel safer that a terrorist leader has been killed? Or are you scared of the retribution? Let KoopaTV know in the comments section.

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