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Thursday, September 17, 2015

Presidential Candidates Named Trump Flop Everywhere

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - PLUS fourteen other Republican candidates!

So I thought about going over every candidate in detail and my thoughts on them. But you could just watch the debate. I thought about going for substance and making headers for all the issues the Republican candidates talked about last night on CNN from 6 PM to like over 11 PM. But you could just watch the debate. Wondering where you can? Our handy-dandy KoopaTV 2016 Presidential Debates Schedule will help.

Let's give our judgment FIRST and we'll just give some analysis based on that. I'm not separating the lower debate from the higher debate for this, especially since the lower debate only had four people in it.

  • Beauty: Carly Fiorina
  • Cool: Marco Rubio
  • Cute: Lindsey Graham
  • Smart: Rand Paul
  • Tough: Bobby Jindal
Why those folks? Let's delve into that. But first, some statistics of who got to talk:

CNN Republican GOP debate September 16 speaking time chart table graph talking
Speaking time numbers provided by CNN themselves.
At the start of the debate, they said they would try their best to let everyone have equal time.

Just saying, the guys in the lower debate, on average, had more speaking time than the upper debate. The lower debate was less than an hour and a half long, and the upper debate was nearly three hours long. The upper debate got four times the viewers, but the media coverage post-debate helps reduce that disparity like it did with Carly Fiorina last debate.

Now then... 
Carly Fiorina put Trump in the dump. As she should, and as he should. After a totally-unrelated Ledge Trump lost the presidential election to be the president of Nintendo, now it's The Donald's turn to be a loser. Fiorina was consistently impressive in everything she said. She also listened to Donald Trump and Jeb Bush bicker about how Jeb Bush misspoke about women and took it back, but Donald Trump refused to accept that.

So Carly Fiorina used Donald Trump's same logic against him for his comments about Carly Fiorina's face. It's good enough to embed below.

Donald Trump literally used the word "beautiful" so of course Carly Fiorina won the Beautiful category. She got the closest anyone has ever gotten to shutting Trump up, and boy, Donald Trump needs to shut the hell up. (Also a bonus that she was very competent in terms of articulating policy.)

How the hell does someone whose policy prescriptions for foreign policy and domestic policy devolve into nothing more than, "Trust me, I'll take care of it." become the frontrunner of a major political party? No, I don't trust you, Donald Trump. You're a crony capitalist Democrat plant. He also pretended to be a doctor and a vaccine expert.

Donald Trump facial expression emote debate
Don't give me that face, you jerk.

Marco Rubio wins "cool" again. That's pretty much what he was. He even brought his own water bottle and made a show of it, so he could literally stay cool. ...Well, honestly, he sorta struggled. If you watch the debate again or for the first time, notice how much everyone was sweating. It's gross. Rubio was also cool in personality. He managed to take control of the conversation multiple times without whining for it to the moderator or Jeb Bush, like Rand Paul had to do (painful to watch, and then Scott Walker got it instead anyway). He just talked and everyone around him let him. 'cause he had that swagger.

Rubio also didn't hide his abysmal record as a Senator in terms of absenteeism when Trump brought it up. Rubio explained he pretty much ragequit the Senate. Also cool of him was that he admitted his Senate immigration reform bill was a terrible way of doing it.

Jeb Bush Donald Trump debate hand low-five slap
This was a stupid question, by the way.
...Anyway, dat Jeb Bush-Donald Trump getting along.

Lindsey Graham was adorable. Unfortunately, Rick Perry has dropped out of the race, but it seems like Lindsey is picking up after Perry's endearingness. This is particularly scary if you think about it, since Lindsey Graham is a dangerous warmonger literally running in the race so he can send your children (or you) to fight in constant wars all across the globe to kill them before they may or may not care to kill you. He actually declared he would open up MORE military bases. And he somehow got command of the lower debate so he'd get the most air time. Yikes.

Lindsey Graham was pretty much a KoopaTV article. He kept making ridiculous tangents comparing everything to ISIS, like KoopaTV does to... other things (and ISIS too). Hey, just read our articles and figure out what we segue into yourself. He had great levity, constantly being self-depreciating. His truth was... lacking, though. But he was really fun to watch.

Rand Paul had the best points to make. Unfortunately, like many smart people, he has trouble... communicating them. He came across as that smart nerd who gets picked on by bullies in recess, namely Donald Trump.

Ben Carson Donald Trump handshake oppose Iraq War
Donald Trump and Ben Carson exchanging hands after both discovering they were against the Iraq War.
...Trump very conveniently left out that Rand built his career on opposing the Iraq War.

Rand Paul managed to logic-trap Chris Christie, who made himself out to be this brilliant federal prosecutor, twice. Both on substance (got Chris Christie to say he'd enforce federal drug laws while simultaneously being pro-medical marijuana in his own state. Federal drug laws criminalise that) and on style (Chris Christie declared Rand Paul as someone trying to win by sympathy tactics with medical marijuana, while minutes earlier (and a month earlier) using 9/11 as a sympathy tactic for why his war-everywhere approach is right). That takes skill for someone who really shouldn't be in the business of debating. He's an eye doctor, not a prosecutor. The question is this: Would showing off how smart you are win you any votes? Maybe not.

Bobby Jindal was tough for being the only Republican to not just say he would fight the establishments of both parties, but to go as far as to say the Republican Party should be dismantled for being a bunch of losing cowards who squander their victories.

So... That's tough. You also have to be tough to ditch your own photo-op. Jindal pulled a Plup from Evo 2015!

Bobby Jindal senate Republicans CNN debate dismantle time to end the Republican Party
Bashing Senate Republicans literally right in front of a Senate Republican.

The issue here is that a lot of these candidates are vying for the same constituencies. Rand may be unique and established himself as such (the only candidate trying to AVOID wars), but Lindsey's all-war neo-con position is also embodied in a much more likable way with Rubio. Santorum's pro-worker stance is with Christie (apparently), and his religious conservatism is with Huckabee. Jindal's anti-establishment stance is embodied in Ted Cruz.

This field has to whittle down soon. But before that, the next debate is the Democrat one, October 13!

Ludwig watched all of the debates on September 16 all in one sitting. It was torture. Soon: KoopaTV will talk videogames again.

Jindal is against Congressional Republicans. Well, a week later, the Speaker of the House is resigning. That's a start!
CNN gets another debate with Republicans.
CNN can't be trusted.

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