KoopaTV Judges the CNN Democrat October 13 Debate!

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - We'll be Fair & Balanced even if the media ain't.

Tonight is (or was) the first Democratic Party presidential debate for their primary to become the leader of the United States for the 2016 election! We judged the Republicans twice already, and now it's time for the Democrats to have their first time.

The Democrats have five candidates on the stage: Evil Witch Hillary Clinton (which we've written many, many things about — all negative), Vermont senator Bernie Sanders, former governors of Rhode Island and Maryland Lincoln Chafee and Martin O'Malley, and former Virginia senator Jim Webb. From what I can tell, Jim Webb might be the best one of the bunch, but no one has heard of him. I guess we'll find out after the debate happens if the non-Hillary and non-Sanders folks stand out at all.

We'll judge each candidate seperately and then give them awards based on our Pokémon-inspired Super Contest style award system! That means the candidates will be rated on Beauty, Cute, Cool, Tough, and Smart.

One thing to note is the blatant media bias on the part of CNN. The Republican debate night from CNN existed to make the candidates attack and tear apart one another. But according to the Washington Examiner, debate moderator Anderson Cooper (who has no relation to or affiliation with the Koopa clan) has no plans to get the candidates to tear up one another, citing that these are "serious people."

Basically, the Democrats are "serious people" and get to talk about issues, while the Republicans are a clown show that get to talk about Donald Trump's hair. Well, that's sure media bias. Jerks.

Anyway, this preamble pre-page-break was all written before the debate began. From now on, it's all post-debate. (Or during it if I find the time during commercials.) I'll list the candidates in order of how they took their podiums. (Left-to-right.)

Jim Webb

Jim Webb clearly does not belong in the Democrat debate. Which is why he made the most sense, and why he won't get the nomination.

He's tough.

Jim Webb had great answers on his biggest enemy, being a Vietnamese thug who tried to kill him. That thug didn't live long, according to Webb. We believe him.

Webb made his case that he actually could solve complicated problems in a realistic way, rather than pie-in-the-sky "we'll give you free stuff" kind of solutions. He also was the only candidate willing to state that, as president, all American lives matter. Not just black ones. Speaking of black, Jim Webb also believes all energy solutions matter, including coal. He was the only candidate on the stage not co-opted by the energy lobby. He was the candidate who also brought China into the discussion, as the day-to-day enemy who cyberhacks America (when North Korea isn't doing it) and as the biggest contributor to world pollution along with India. And that actually set the discussion for everyone else to include China and India into that debate so they didn't look stupid only thinking it was America.

Webb also was against Hillary's war in Libya, so that's nice. And the Iran deal.

And he was correct on guns. And affirmative action. And criminal justice reform. And Congressional legislating as opposed to unconstitutional executive ordering.

Bernie Sanders

Half (well, probably less) of the things Bernie Sanders says is actually good stuff. The NSA is violating our rights. And we shouldn't hold gun shops responsible if the people who purchase the guns suddenly decide to go on a rampage. And then there is saying that "climate change" is the most significant national security threat. He was proud of his carbon tax initiative, which would be catastrophic for the economy.

Bernie Sanders did some interesting things. He basically didn't let anyone talk about Hillary Clinton's e-mails, even though the news for that continues to trickle in day-by-day and somehow just gets worse. He also was the only one who told the audience, in his closing statement, to go to his website and donate a dollar amount to him. It reminded me of the Shenmue 3 Kickstarter announcement back at Sony's E3. That example got massive monetary response from the crowd, so Bernie's call-to-action probably did too. He also repeatedly called for a "revolution."

Hillary Clinton literally cackling after Bernie Sanders tells the audience they're sick of hearing about Clinton's "damn" e-mails.

By the way, Bernie Sanders lied. He said he would ask Anderson Cooper to give Jim Webb time to speak and he didn't.

Hillary Clinton

Hillary Clinton is evil. There is no doubt about it. She's a witch. Her answer to how she would be different than a third term to president Barack Hussein Obama? She would be a woman, opposed to every other president. Yes. She actually said that as her answer. That's an idiotic answer appealing to the lowest common denominator.

"I think being the first woman president would be quite a change from the presidents we’ve had up until this point, including President Obama."

She was satisfied with that as her answer until Anderson Cooper asked for a little bit more. In which she basically said she'd be Obama gone further with no specifics.

All Hillary really did the whole debate was talk about Obama's tough choices (she actually said that people should overlook her bad policy positions like the vote on the Iraq War because Obama approved of her enough to make her Secretary of State) and attack the Republican Party. And of course, the Republican Party is just Donald Trump. Hillary also believes that the government wanting to defund Planned Parenthood is a "Big Government" action.

Martin O'Malley

Martin O'Malley is obsessed with stating that he would get America on a "clean electric grid by 2050." After watching the debate, that's really all I remember out of him. It was sort of like how Lindsey Graham brought everything to ISIS. Which I think is interesting that what ISIS is to the Republicans is what global warming is to Democrats.

O'Malley also consistently mistook immigrants legally coming into the country with illegal immigrants. Of course, he did this intentionally, because he supports amnesty that would turn those illegals into Democrat voters.

Lincoln Chafee

Chafee was adorable. He got to go first to introduce himself as the lowest-polling guy. He was the governor of Rhode Island but didn't get to talk about his executive experience, so we don't really know what the hell he did. What we do know was that he apparently never had a scandal in his whole 30-year political career and he has high ethics. This is apparently in contrast to Hillary Clinton.

Chafee was a cute little Energizer bunny, moving so fast the split-screen camera couldn't keep up.

We do know Chafee's positions on three votes: Voted to repeal Glass-Steagall, voted for the PATRIOT Act, and voted against the Iraq War. The first two are seen as bad for Democrats (though Clinton was for the repeal, for the PATRIOT Act, AND for the Iraq War). Chafee says he gets a couple of oopsies because he was a freshman senator and his dad just died. And hey, everyone else was voting that way so it's okay to be a follower, not a leader! ...To which Bernie Sanders retorted that he was the one guy against the PATRIOT Act and proud of it.

Awards

• Beauty: Bernie Sanders
• Cool: Bernie Sanders
• Cute: Lincoln Chafee
• Smart: Jim Webb
• Tough: Jim Webb

Of course, for a debate full of socialists, what wasn't distributed equally was time. And throughout the debate, Webb consistently expressed that the time was totally unbalanced and that Clinton got to keep droning on and on, while Anderson Cooper kept cutting him off. Well...

FINAL Talking Time (follow: @allymutnick @barbarasprunt): Clinton 30:25 Sanders 27:41 O'Malley 17:08 Webb 15:20 Chafee 9:05 #nprdebate

— Domenico Montanaro (@DomenicoNPR) October 14, 2015

For a party so concerned about inequality, these time distributions were even less equal than the Republican debate talking times.


Well, give your thoughts on the Democratic Party's debate. Please! Would you vote for any of these candidates given the chance? Who is your favourite? Why is Donald Trump the official Republican mascot all of the sudden? Will Ludwig write about the videogame industry for Wednesday?


The next debate in the Democrat Party is here.
Bernie Sanders wants to convince you why you should vote for him.
CNN can't be trusted.