Global Warming and A Good Snowman

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - It's a conspiracy to raise the price of videogames.

Once upon a time, while we were fighting off fascists, some indie developers in an abandoned coffee shop in the English city of Coventry wanted to make a quick pre-Christmas game. That resulted in A Good Snowman Is Hard To Build on the PC, released now.

We wouldn't be talking about it if not for a very interesting price gimmick: They are (for a limited time until March 10th) pricing the game according to what the temperature is in London on that particular day. In Celsius. (For more on Celsius and the United Kingdom, ask KoopaTV's Vortexica.)

Immediate question: Why are they pricing it based on London when they are based in Coventry? The average temperatures for London are higher than the average temperatures for Coventry, of course! The average highs in Coventry for February and March are 7.2 and 9.9 degrees Celsius, respectively. For London? 8.5 and 11.1. The average lows are 1.0 and 2.9 in Coventry, and in London they are 3.4 and 5.0. Now if I was pricing a game, I'd pick the place with higher numbers. And then cover it up with, "Well, London is the only city in Britain anyway!"

ZIMMERMAN: Free at last! No DoJ suit!

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - No suits from the suits.

KoopaTV previously reported that, since Eric Holder would be stepping down as Attorney General and head of the Department of Justice, the federal civil rights lawsuit against the hero George Zimmerman would cease. This was incorrect reporting on KoopaTV's part, but it turns out that the end conclusion is the same. Besides, we didn't say it would end immediately! But now it finally has. 

This time, at last, KoopaTV can finally report that the Justice Department has ended its investigation and decided there is no evidence to try George Zimmerman for violating the civil rights of Trayvon Martin (federal hate crime-style) almost 3 years ago today. For an alternate reality of what could've happened, Rawk brings you this:

I Wanna Go South

By RAWKHAWK2010 - And I'm not just whistlin' Dixie.

Ah, the Deep South -- home of tobacco chewin', moonshinin', mullets, banjos, and sex with your first cousin.

"It's a Southern thang. Y'all wouldn't understand."

Happy Birthdays: Noxial and Rawk!

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - Wishing my colleagues well.

Since we did not have KoopaTV articles at this time last year, this will be the first article of its kind: Today, February 20, it is Noxial's birthday! (You know, the girl we just hired.) But it's also RawkHawk2010's birthday! (You know, the...well, you should know him already.)

With two great KoopaTV employees suddenly becoming older on the same day, did you expect us not to acknowledge it?

"Ludwig, this is as filler as it gets." Hey, we're going to update yesterday's article on Joe Darke tomorrow to tell you how his trial went. That's a big deal. KoopaTV: Our first time as a courtroom reporter! Makes up for there not being another Zimmerman trial this month.

I tried figuring out how their birthdays went (that's why this article is published so late). ...Their stories are either depressing or boring. But here's a lesson from the depressing story: Keeping a birthday person waiting at a restaurant for over an hour and having poor service on that specific day isn't good customer relationship management or good service.

Remember to follow the TV Troopas on Instagram. Noxial would love that. You don't have to do anything for Rawk.

At KoopaTV, we praise good customer service and trash bad customer service. While this restaurant (which will be unnamed out of... pity) is usually known for great service, apparently today just wasn't the day. And that (on a special day) can be particularly traumatic.

KoopaTV isn't in the business of consulting (see our Disclaimers) but a piece of advice: The best thing you can do to have your (potential) customers be happy even when you can't actually serve their needs is to be transparent with them. Or at least, make them think you're being transparent. You don't even have to be honest with them, but if they think you are, that's great! For example, if you massively failed to correctly anticipate the demand for a product line, you can publicly blame the West Coast port being shut down! Hey, you're giving people a reason and saying sorry and whatever. Better than just not telling people anything and leaving them (figuratively... or literally, in some cases) stranded without any clue. If people think you just gave up and don't give a shit about them, they'll remember that and have a grudge.

That's why KoopaTV tries to have awesome customer service to y'all. We're available to help and respond within 24 hours, often much sooner. If you're gonna have a grudge against us, it should be because of our content, not because of our service! We love you. Similarly, we love our staff members (not including the one former one) so they get dedicated happy birthday articles.

...oh wait Kamek never got one. ...Sorry.


How rare is it that two different, unrelated KoopaTV staff members would have a birthday on the same day? Pretty cool. Ludwig's is in December and he usually gets videogame-related stuff. Or money.


Ludwig got a dedicated happy birthday article in 2013 as well. Herman Cain's birthday is on the same day. ...Okay.
For 2014, Mark Block got a birthday article, and he's not even on our staff.
Our happy birthday to Noxial was for nothing, because on that day she left to join ISIS. 
Here's an article dedicated to customer service. For Customer Service Week 2015!
Rawk's 2017 birthday shares with Presidents Day.

Joe Darke Arrested! ...Kills Prosecutor Neil Marshall. *Updated with the trial!*

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - Allegedly kills Neil Marshall. We'll keep you updated as to if it's proven or not in his upcoming trial.

(LOS ANGELES, California) It was a blissful, ordinary day that turned into a dark and stormy night... of murder.

Businessman Joe Darke of Darke Flashlights Limited allegedly went on a serial killing spree last September. The Los Angeles Police Department's top talent have been working to nab this guy, and they tell KoopaTV (you're hearing it here first) that Joe Darke turned himself in after months of being on the run for the deaths of Edward Jones, Jason Knight, Edith Kirby, Rachel Moss, and Jeb Bates.

We have one more name to add to that list: Los Angeles prosecutor Neil Marshall. Mr. Marshall was supposed to be the prosecutor for the Joe Darke killings, but he is now the (hopefully final) victim. How did this happen?!

Neil Marshall's autopsy report.

Nintendo shouldn't buy Third Party IPs

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - Not by themselves, anyway.

There are two kinds of annoying people out there with regards to Nintendo opinions and third parties. The first is that Nintendo itself should go third party, pulling a SEGA. This is flat-out stupid.

The second is pretty much the opposite: Nintendo should buy third-party intellectual properties and make them Nintendo franchises. This thought is said by Nintendo fans who think that Nintendo manages its own properties better than third-parties do with theirs. So they say, "Nintendo should buy Sonic from SEGA!" Or, "Nintendo should buy Mega Man from CAPCOM!"

Note that no one is saying that Nintendo should buy Pac-Man from Bandai Namco, because Pac-Man is terrible and no one gives a shit about him except Health.

Pac-Vomit.

Why are these Nintendo fans in particular annoying? Because it is just so easy to prove them wrong, as KoopaTV is about to do.

Welcome Noxial, Devin, and Claira: Social Media Managers!

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - KoopaTV also has new social media avenues.

Remember that whole, "KoopaTV is trying to hire people" article that we've been keeping updated this whole time? It turns out someone has actually gone all the way through with it and has been hired! That's right, the elusive "Future KoopaTV Staff Member" from the hit KoopaTV video "Koopasentai" is revealed! And she is our social media manager! (That's right: IT'S A GIRL!)

KoopaTV would like to welcome Noxial to our staff.

Cute girls love KoopaTV.

We're not just welcoming Noxial, though... Introducing Devin and Claira! Give 'em a round of applause!

Devin, the spokesturtle and new KoopaTV mascot!

Claira, the spokesturtle and new KoopaTV mascot!

Where are you gonna see these lovely Koopas and Troopas?

INTRODUCING NEW SOCIAL MEDIA!

Follow @TVTroopas on Twitter! Yes, that's right, KoopaTV now has TWO Twitters! (Follow the existing one, too, at @TheREALKoopaTV. I'll continue to personally run that.)

INTRODUCING NEW SOCIAL MEDIA!

KoopaTV now has an Instagram! I vaguely even know what an Instagram is, but I guess that's why we had to hire someone to figure that out. So if you have one of these Instagram things, you go ahead and follow the TVTroopas, alright?

Noxial will also have control of our tumblr (well, so will I, but it's not a focus for us), while I'll stick with Ello and try to see if anything can come out of it.

If you want to know the adventures of the TV Troopas as they live their daily lives and also engage with daily KoopaTV material, with pictures provided, follow those accounts!

The Knowing When We Update article has been updated as well. 


Ludwig will need to publish KoopaTV's articles at more consistent times of day so Noxial can properly share them and plan out her photos. Please welcome Noxial, and the TV Troopas, in the comments!


Wondering why Noxial hasn't been doing her job? She quit after a week and joined ISIS.
We regret to inform you that the TV Troopas are deceased.
Koopie Koo is too good a girlfriend for this guy.

Ike and Abe? That'd never happen.

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - Abraham Lincoln is the antithesis of the Radiant Hero.

I already wrote earlier about how misrepresented and terrible Ike is in Code Name S.T.E.A.M. here. You know, the protagonist Ike of Fire Emblem: Path of Radiance, Fire Emblem: Radiant Dawn, and Super Smash Bros. Brawl and Super Smash Bros. 4 fame.

For a reminder, he looks like this in Code Name S.T.E.A.M.:

Deformed head, twig limbs. Terrible.

 
However, not only does he look out-of-place, but the very notion that Ike, the great Radiant Hero (you can see a ton of pictures of what he should like here) and saviour of Tellius, would ever team up with the likes of Abraham Lincoln is out-of-character. (The rest of this article has Fire Emblem: Path of Radiance and Fire Emblem: Radiant Dawn spoilers, especially the former. ...The latter ones aren't a big deal.)

Dawn of A New Day: The Majora's Mask 3D release

By VORTEXICA - Or; Vortexica prattles on longer than Anju's grandmother

It's Friday the 13th. A date associated with a particular work of fiction, involving dark themes, a slowly-encroaching doom, and most famously, a madman in a mask sowing disorder and death in his wake...

But enough about Jason Voorhees, let's talk about Majora's Mask 3D! That's right, folks. The much anticipated remake of The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask is finally here! It's no secret there's little love for this game amongst KoopaTV's staff, for various reasons, but in an effort to bring you more of that "fair and balanced" malarkey, here's an article from my own viewpoint. This will be a casual look at the game's release, which includes comparing the European and North American releases as well as examining the quality of the various pre-order bonuses.

Mainstream Media Bias Against New 3DS

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - KoopaTV is better than the lamestream gaming media. Always.

The New 3DS XL is coming out February 13, or tomorrow. The media is doing a bunch of hit pieces on it, because, hey, they're all against Nintendo. This is pretty parallel to how the media attacks political candidates or policies that challenge their twisted values, like the attacks on Herman Cain, both Ron and Rand Paul, and the FAIRtax. Standard stuff for them.

Disclaimer: KoopaTV itself did a hit piece on the New 3DS when it was first announced. We don't regret that one, and we stuck to the facts. ...I'd argue it was also more anti-Shigeru Miyamoto than anti-New 3DS.

The latest slew of attacks on the New 3DS that the mainstream media is massively reporting is the transfer process between your ordinary, old 3DS and the New 3DS XL. They're falsely reporting about its complexity. See the official Nintendo of America video going over the process, in detail, below: