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Monday, May 23, 2022

What Got the Maddest Turtle of All Time so Mad

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - Is it a happy World Turtle Day... or a mad World Turtle Day?

Did you see this clip that has hundreds of thousands of views?

It portrays a tortoise on Earth slowly walk over to a human for about the first quarter of it. Then the tortoise repeatedly headbutts the human's leather shoe for the rest of the video. Why?

The reason is that the tortoise is protesting and taking initiative against humanity's oppressive boots: shoes used for evil. Attributable directly to the Mario Brothers, stomping on the heads of animals is a top method of death for turtles and several other animals, according to People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA).

KoopaTV is strongly against this kind of human behaviour to any animals, especially towards shelled creatures. The citizens of Koopa Kingdom feel a certain... unexplainable kinship toward's Earth's turtles and tortoises. Unfortunately, the anti-Koopa actions of the humans we have to deal with have spread to the children (and adults) of Earth, making them take anti-turtle actions. The terrapins on Earth know it. (They probably read KoopaTV when you're not looking.)

The other explanation I've read is that turtles, when they wish to find mates and make love, like to headbutt their choice potential partner to get their attention and then “mount” them. It's not something I've personally ever done to someone else.

However, while I don't have the same kinds of... feelings that people with this explanation attribute to the terrapin, I can easily understand what about leather shoes the creature is attracted to. ...The leather part. And it's not because it's leather, but because of what that shoe used to be. Probably an adorable cow! Which Mario also oppressed.

Either explanation works, but both carry a direct link to animal oppression and destruction at the hands of humans. That's the lesson to think about on World Turtle Day.

If you're a human reading this, you should think about what you do and how you treat non-human beings. You can probably do better than what you're doing now. If you feel that treating non-humans better means you must make a trade-off, feel free to treat your fellow humans worse. They likely deserve it. Especially if it's Mario or Luigi.

KoopaTV's previous World Turtle Day article was on 2020, where the site investigated Freddy the turtle's burnt shell. The likely culprit there was Mario as well.
The day after, Ludwig writes about how Mario treats women poorly.
Next year's 2023 World Turtle Day article was about the Pokémon Turtwig, Grotle, and Torterra.


  1. So we maybe just watched a turtle sex act? Grosscusting

    1. I suppose that's a possible conclusion, yes.

      But I think he's mad at humanity.


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