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Monday, September 26, 2016

KoopaTV Judges the First Trump vs. Hillary Presidential Debate

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - At the very least, the most anticipated event of the month!

On one lectern, we have the un-stumpable DONALD J. TRUMP, the man who has earned KoopaTV's endorsement for President of the United States

On the other lectern, we have the corrupt and crooked HILLARY R. CLINTON, the woman so reviled by this website, she has an entire index of articles dedicated to taking her down! (This article will be included.) 

Finally, for the first time, these two candidates will be pitted against one another for an epic, 90-minute event. This will be the first of four debates. Today's, October 4 between Mike Pence and Tim Kaine, October 9 between Trump and Hillary, and October 19 between Trump and Hillary.

That's four debates. Here's how this'll work. We'll rate the candidates out of 100 and give them a grade. For Trump, we'll take that score, and multiply it by .125. For Hillary, we'll take 100, subtract her score from it, multiply that by .125, and add it to the modified Trump score. That's how much money Ludwig will donate to the Trump campaign. (Just don't tell the FEC that a foreigner from Koopa Kingdom is contributing to an American political campaign.) That makes a maximum of $25, and we'll repeat this exercise for the other three debates, for a maximum potential donation of $100!

Hillary Clinton is ineligible for receiving any donations from KoopaTV's staff.

Looks like this:

Donald Trump Hillary Clinton debate scores Excel
Stay tuned for when this changes by the end of the article.

Oh boy... I think this debate was actually a total mess. The other staffers seem to think that, too. Hillary's preparation was clear, and Trump kept doing bad things like sniffing or blowing his nose. HILLARY is supposed to be the sick one! What the heck? Trump didn't even thank the audience for giving him the opportunity for being there. Hey, Gary Johnson would love to be there. I would've liked for that, too.

Hillary came up with irritating one-liners like “trumped up trickle down” to try to make puns. She attacked Trump straight-away, and looked very smug the whole time while she looked like a policy wonk as she was babbling platitudes and nonsense that sounded nice. Trump meanwhile countered with weird statements like “No wonder you've been fighting ISIS your entire adult life.” And then he looked super satisfied with himself for coming up with that one. He did make a good one-liner saying that the Federal Reserve is more political than Hillary, though. End the Fed!

Donald Trump Hillary Clinton shaking hands first debate red pantsuit
Well, this is the best he looked.

Let's be clear: While Trump says irregular and strange, unpolished things... All of Hillary's statements were planned well in advance, and have quite dangerous implications. For example, her gun-grabbing agenda and tax confiscation agenda. Trump's absolutely right that he is “smart” for trying to minimise his federal taxes that he has to pay, because politicians such as Hillary would “squander” the money in her wars.

...And then Trump displayed his own gun-grabbing agenda in not believing in giving Americans on the terrorist watch list due process. I JUST wrote in the endorsement that Trump isn't going to be a tyrant because he's strong on the Second Amendment!

Trump continued his appeal to Bernie supporters, stating that the Democratic National Committee e-mails that may-or-may-not-have-been hacked by the Russians (or a 400 pound hacker sitting on their bed, according to Trump) revealed their bias against Bernie. But he spent his time doing that, instead of defending himself against the charges that he is a danger to world peace feared by all of America's allies for being unreliable.

And that's really Hillary's whole strategy: Make herself seem steady and sane, while make Trump look like a risk that America cannot afford to take. And Trump failed to counter that image through his answers, points of focus, and mannerisms. I think he didn't convincingly put into the minds of voters of how bad Hillary would be as president.

I guess KoopaTV will have to do that. And hopefully Mike Pence... this October 4!

Donald Trump Hillary Clinton presidential debate scores first
We gave Trump a 60, and Hillary a 72.

Everything before the page-break (the pre-debate Excel sheet and before) was written prior to the debate. Everything after, except this footer, was hurriedly put together after the debate.

Here's the judgment for the vice-presidential debate!
Donald and Hillary are at it again, on October 9! Read the judgment of that here.
Skip four years ahead, and Donald Trump is against Joe Biden in their first presidential debate.


  1. I agree with your sentiment. The whole debate was a mess. Within thirty minutes, the attacks started pouring in on both sides. The issues were not thoroughly addressed. Besides that, Lester Holt was a terrible moderator. Hopefully the next debate will be much more organized.

    1. I have a headache now.

      Honestly I don't feel like giving Trump an $11 donation right now. The whole point of that idea is that business people believe in incentives and bonuses and respond to those.

      I don't want to incentivise crappy debate performances. So I'll hold it off.

  2. I think Trump is just doing what Obama did last election. Not playing all of his best cards on the first debate.

    1. That's what Trump himself is basically saying, and other folks are saying Trump will get better with every debate.

      I really hope that's true. Because I'm pretty sure Trump just didn't bother preparing for this.


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