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Thursday, September 28, 2017

Hau Should Be Sacrificed to Necrozma

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - Alternatively, feed Hau to Guzzlord, if that's coming back.

I realised I haven't referenced Hau, otherwise known as YOUR FRIEND HAU from Pokémon Sun and Pokémon Moon, since his prominent appearance in the Pokémon Sun & Moon Special Demo Version article back in October 2016.

Since then, Pokémon Sun and Pokémon Moon were released, and the horror named Hau has made millions of playthroughs of the game worse off.

Meanwhile, Pokémon Ultra Sun and Pokémon Ultra Moon will be taking place in some kind of alternate universe. It turns out that in this alternate universe, Hau is already confirmed to exist, and as a friend.

Pokémon Ultra Sun Moon Hau Lillie switch facial expressions friends not smiling
Hau and Lillie apparently switched expressions between Pokémon Sun/Moon and Pokémon Ultra Sun/Ultra Moon.
Does this mean the game will focus all on Hau this time? Either way, he's still a shitty rival who wants you to win instead of himself.
However, given that Hau now has a different demeanor if official art is to be believed (see above) and the in-game dialogue we know he gives isn't to be believed, then Hau may have a completely different fate than the pathetic Malasada-munching moron he was in Pokémon Sun and Pokémon Moon. If you want to consider what would work best with the ominous, dark clouds backdrop of the Alola region for Pokémon Ultra Sun and Pokémon Ultra Moon, I propose that Necrozma be directly involved with what will be Hau's irreversible demise.

Here is my big problem with Hau: He is incredibly annoying AND useless. Here's my first description of Hau in my Pokémon Moon playthrough log on the Planet Koopa forum:
“Some total loser dipshit named Hau is forcing me to a battle and won't let me go show my own mother my Rowlet.”
That's an overall great summary of all Hau does in the game. All Hau does is show up at unexpected, inopportune times, and force you to battle with him. Usually, rival battles in Pokémon games are supposed to be high-action, intense events. Well, this isn't intense.

When he isn't forcing you to battle him, he's forcing you to be his friend and also force-feeding Malasada down his throat. He's like one of those annoying 10 year old Minecraft fans on Miiverse who keep sending me friend requests and Yeahing all of my comments because they think that'll get me to like them. Why'd I have to be born as such a popular Koopaling that everyone wants to be friends with? I'm not even a nice guy.

Hau, on the other hand, is a nice guy, and he is also a total joke. His Pokémon are not only weak (and are weak the whole game), but he picks the starter weakest to yours. Hau is also a terrible trainer. He stuffs his idiot grinning face (which the game zooms often zooms in on) with Malasada constantly, rather than training his Pokémon or figuring out what he should be doing in life. (Maybe his alternate universe forme realised he's useless, which is why his official art changed?) Granted, he's only a kid, but I was already kidnapping princesses and leading armies at his age.

Pokémon Sun Moon Hau grinning smile teeth zoomed in happy face
He's either grinning uselessly, or jumping up and down forever.

It's pretty appropriate that Aether employee Wicke gave my character TM Psychic (a very useful TM), and then she gave Hau a bunch of Malasada to eat. She gave the perfect gifts for both of us! And right afterwards I gave these quotes on Planet Koopa (apologies in advance for the swearing):
“...ugh what the fuck I was about to stop playing and now Hau is challenging me to another fucking battle.
[insert battle here where Hau loses again]
Hau says he had his breath held the whole battle. I should've kept it going so he'd die.”
Seriously. I just want to go to town, save, quit, and maybe eat or go to sleep or go to an appointment. NOPE. IT'S HAU. Wasting my time with his crappy Pokémon, and then giving me healing items instead of him caring about his own Pokémon. What's the point of this if he's not even trying? Hau is a pathetic rival.

Assuming Necrozma — whatever that is — appears in an antagonistic role in Pokémon Ultra Sun and Pokémon Ultra Moon, it should dispose of Hau. Preferably via laser beams. If Necrozma won't vaporise Hau off the universe with Prismatic Laser (though, you can anticipate that Necrozma will get an exclusive Z-move in Pokémon Ultra Sun and Pokémon Ultra Moon which will be even shinier and scarier than Prismatic Laser), then Hau must be eliminated through another method.

Pokémon Ultra Sun Moon Lusamine Hau Necrozma Prismatic Laser appearance cutscene
That said, the September 13 Nintendo Direct footage actually shows what may possibly be the moment
right before Hau is obliterated from the planet by Necrozma.

How about Ultra Beasts? They're confirmed to be returning with new Ultra Beasts “Assembly” and “Burst” that I do not care about.

If Guzzlord is back, I think it'd be perfect for Guzzlord to devour Hau.

Guzzlord Hau vore Malasada eating stomach mouth Pokémon Sun Moon
It may not look like it, but Guzzlord is actually eating hundreds of Malasadas at once.
(Look in the centre.)

The gluttonous Ultra Beast consuming the gluttonous dumb human kid. It's poetic injustice. I love it.

Ludwig still has no plans of getting Ultra Moon, which would be the one he'd get if he got one of these games. Hau's existence isn't a factor in the decision, though he certainly isn't a selling point. Do you hate Hau enough that you wish for his death and would write a blog article on it? ...Or do you actually like the kid?

For an article trashing a similar kind of dweeb, please read “Why Koops is a Loser”.
Guzzlord and many other Ultra Beasts return for Pokémon Ultra Sun and Pokémon Ultra Moon, and you can go visit their homeworld along with Necrozma.
Guzzlord is threatening to eat Nanu. Also, Necrozma does get new moves after all.
Hau doesn't die in Pokémon Ultra Sun and Pokémon Ultra Moon, so don't buy it.


  1. Hau is the gross kid from school, that only cares about eating and never washes his clothes.
    He shouldn't come in proximity of at least 100 meter of the most beautiful girl that is Lillie (especially with her modern attire outfit, she straight-up belongs to a museum).
    Her leaving for Kanto and us being stuck on the same island as Hau was a real "Bad Ending".
    So I hope Ultra SM won't turn into Ultra Sado-Maso, but instead give us the "True Ending" we deserve (becoming Champ of Alola & Kanto, marrying Lillie, Hau leaves for Hoenn, aka the worst region, and never comes back).

    1. While I don't agree with your Lillie compliments (I don't like Lillie either, though I don't hate her guts like I do Hau's), your comment is very spot-on in many ways. Good points!

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  2. I just started replaying ultra moon & I almost for got how much I hated hau
    .. I was basically ready to go on the boat with the professor but I forgot that Hau opens his big mouth & basically forces u to go surfing to the next island - I was so annoyed I want to drown him in the water.

    1. Thank you for sharing your Hau experience. I'm sure many other people feel the same way!

  3. Hau is one of my favorite persons in pokemon... and of he were real i would consider him my beat friend

    1. would way rather be his friend then yours🥰

    2. I don't want to be your friend either, so that arrangement works out for everyone.

  4. "Granted, he's only a kid, but I was already kidnapping princesses and leading armies at his age." at least he's touching grass

    1. Flying on a Doomship sure beats walking through Grass Land.


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