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Friday, September 22, 2017

KoopaTV's Autumn Equinox Concert

By RAWKHAWK2010 - Eclipses are so last month.

"Delicious autumn! My very soul is wedded to it, and if I were a bird I would fly about the earth seeking the successive autumns." (Oh hey, I'm already a bird. And I Fall all the time because I can't actually fly. ...So I guess I'm off to a good start, huh?)

The Autumnal Equinox is the envoy of Autumn and is also when day and night are are of approximately equal duration all over the planet. You know what it also also is? It's when KoopaTV's favorite dancers take the opportune opportunity to bust a groove for all y'all.

Let the Autumn Equinox Concert commence!:

Did you watch all that? Probably not. And that's okay because these three dancers are about brevity, baby. (Who else could do what they do in so little frames?!) But you should skip around anyway and familiarize yourself with the dudes' animations. Then after reading the rest of the article and catching up on the dancers' history, you can vote for your favorite performance.

So without further ado, the performers:

Harry Potter Goblet of Fire Dance minigame sprite Game Boy Advance

Harry Potter

I should probably start by saying that when it comes to the Harry Potter 99.99999999% of the earth's population thinks of when it hears the name "Harry Potter", I despise him. He's an uppity, sanctimonious, virtue-signaling piece of garbage (just like the entirety of the Gryffindor House) who revels in his satisfaction of saving the wizard world when so many cast members died rescuing his ass that it's a wonder the end-victory was even a positive. It doesn't help that Harry can't manage to establish a relationship with Hermione after seven books of trying (even after saving the world) and winds up settling for his best friend's sister. You can't just do that. That's an abomination. It also definitely doesn't help that the boy was created by one "J.K. Rowling" whose Twitter activity is pretty damn unbearable. The woman is constantly tweeting things like this which is the exact same shit thousands of other people are always tweeting in their Trump responses, but from her it without fail always warrants the next spot down on some site's "J.K. Rowling's Top 50 Brilliant Takedowns." At least Trump's takedowns are actually takedowns.

That said, who says Rowling should have any actual control over the Harry Potter featured in the dance mini-game of the fourth book's GBA adaptation? She didn't write that. Somebody else made that happen. I'm of course in no hurry to give Electronic Arts too much credit, but anyone who's watched this mini-game in action knows that GBA Harry Potter is with it.

P.S. "Harry Potter Dances to Route 216" Harry Potter isn't gay. I don't care what that ho says.

Phil Spencer dancing sprite Xbox

Phil Spencer

Phil Spencer of Microsoft is largely credited with righting many of the wrongs implemented by former Xbox president Don Mattrick after he was dumped by the fans into a vat of hot wax. Phil wasn't on board with the idea of mandatory always-on Kinect camera sending images of his players' living rooms to the deep state. Phil also wasn't on board with confining every modicum of Rare Ltd.'s talent to shovelware. This is why Phil, during his rise to true fame during E3 2015, had Rare standing there right alongside him -- with a new logo, new reputation, and a (real) new game for the first time in over half a decade. ...And I'll be completely honest, my interest in Sea of Thieves has rapidly waned ever since it was first announced. Perhaps it has something to do with its anti-single-player approach (even though Rare has lied about it just like they lied about Banjo-Kazooie: Nuts & Bolts being exactly the same as Banjo-Kazooie just with "vehicles instead of moves") and that Phil has explicitly given up on single-player games. And uhhh, yeah, screw you, Phil Spencer. Even if that were an incontrovertible truth, we don't need your high-profile ass further throttling it by word of mouth. It's almost like you want single-player games to end!

I'd normally disown him, except that this year he made the AMAZING decision to secure the E3 announcement rights to the "hilarious, a little crazy, and a whole lot of fun" Dragon Ball FighterZ "on a recent trip to Japan." This ended up making the Microsoft E3 press conference more "anime" than Sony's, as if the latter's criminally-awful performance didn't have Sony Ponies sulking enough already. We were so impressed with Phil that he even got his own log.

Here's Phil dancing in full force, showing off some seriously blistering stepping speeds.

P.S. The above is a rendition of Kannon's Klaim you can only find in this video. (The original artist deleted it out of embarrassment or something.)

Tsareena Madame Loins dancing stomping Mario

Madame Loins

The beautiful Madame Loins is a Tsareena who debuted for King Bowser's Cook-Out!!, also known as KoopaTV's fourth anniversary article. Like all Tsareena, our Tsareena is "known for the beauty of its well-shaped legs" and "shows off by kicking the defeated, laughing boisterously." Tsareena also "sometimes appears as a mascot in advertisements for beauty salons", which Madame Loins was doing before she decided to become a KoopaTV mascot instead.
Now let me fill you in on what is undoubtedly my favorite KoopaTV feedback of all time:

"You are a gross pervert for sexualizing pokemon like Lilligant and Tsareeena. You just skimmed over Hakamo-o and Kammo-o in favor of drooling over your oversexualized flora. The number one video game news site my ass. They're probably the closest you will ever get in contact with something resembling a woman, you sick, perverted, virgin. I hope your parents will read this and realize their mistake, then smother you with a pillow as a form of post-natal abortion." - Anonymous

Amazing! And while his/her comment towards Ludwig may seem more accurate than not to the average reader, I reserve my right to OBJECT! to any unwarranted press regarding Madame Loins herself. Firstly, she wasn't even associated with KoopaTV until five months later. Secondly, Madame Loins is named Madame Loins not because of anyone sexualizing her loins, but because of the giant loin (nominee for best new character of 2016) she's chosen to make her Stomping grounds. He's a Sirloin. She's a Madame Loin. Duuuuuuuuuuh.

Then there's Mario who is trapped between said steak and a hard place. Madame Loins may derive sexual satisfaction from Stomping Mario where it hurts, but that doesn't mean we do. Did Mario fans derive sexual satisfaction from Whacka when whacking Whacka for his bumps? My point is, good luck having either of those claims stand in a court of law.

But oooooh, we very much support what she's doing. At KoopaTV we're all about dance, and just like Madame Loins needed someone to Stomp on to evolve, she likely needs someone to Stomp on in order to unleash her full dance potential.

As delighted as we are to see her going H.A.M. on that pesky plumber's plumbing, Mario's torture is only a means to an end. Look at Madame Loins go!:

Coolness, Cuteness, Smartness, Toughness, Beautifulness... – she's got 'em all.

Now then, TIME TO VOTE!

Honest opinion: I like all three dance styles equally, as should be the case at an equinox concert. Each dancer has immense skill and wears it proud, jiving with energy few others have. That's why for my #1 pick, (drumroll please), I have to give it to Madame Loins, who channels the most RAW beauty and sports the most compelling internal lore. She's also the only personality who I didn't have something terrible to say about, or anything negative at all.

Cast your ballot in the comments below, readers! And here's an Encore to play us out:


Stay tuned for KoopaTV's Winter Solstice Concert in case you hated this one! (Actually, don't, because that's never happening.)

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