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Wednesday, September 27, 2017

You SHOULD Kneel To Our Flag! Long Live Koopa Kingdom!

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - America doesn't get it because you guys lack a KING.

Instead of important issues like healthcare and taxes, everyone wants to talk about American football. All I know about football is that the New England Patriots are assholes, the Atlanta Falcons are choke-artists, and Electronic Arts confirmed exclusively to KoopaTV that they canceled their planned Madden Curse movie.

Slightly more interesting than talking about the sport is that, all of a sudden (at least, to people who don't pay attention to this), the National Football League is at the centre of a culture war. I'm not really sure what it's actually about (neither do the combatants), but it is apparent that whatever the motivations for participating in the war, one side is expressing its displeasure with the United States by kneeling to the flag during the national anthem before the game starts. If I were a football player, I'd quit the sport if I had to listen to the Star-Spangled Banner every time I did my job. It's an awful song, and not even the Koopa Kingdom version of it (nor me singing the Koopa Kingdom version of it), the Shell-Spangled Banner, is enough to make it bearable. There's a reason we don't ever reference the Shell-Spangled Banner on this site.

Regardless, over in Koopa Kingdom, there's one way to show your subservience to the Royal Koopa Family (and believe me: you ARE subservient to us). That is to BOW DOWN...AND KNEEL. Prostrate to King Bowser Koopa!

Take a the knee Fox McCloud Falco Lombardi Super Smash Bros. Melee Smash Taunt bow kneel Bowser Koopa
Fox McCloud and Falco Lombardi only take a knee during their super-rare and infrequent Smash Taunt.
Here they are, trying to please King Bowser Koopa, and a KoopaTV flag, with their kneeling.

...Of course, I wouldn't mind if you also did that for his prince. (And... all of the other princes.) You can kneel to our flag as well — a symbol of our kingdom and family. Why would you stand? Standing is so... upright and haughty. Plus, it's so ordinary. People stand all the time. The football players are standing (or running, but in that standing posture) the whole time they're there. What's special or respectful about standing?

But how often do people kneel? Almost never.

Let me add some exotic flavour to this: The Jews almost never kneel in prayer, with the exception of a handful of times a year. Those handful of times coincide with last and this week, where instead of an ordinary bow during the Aleinu prayer, Jews kneel down until their forehead is to the floor. It's like the super form that they take, and it upgrades bowing to kneeling! Keep in mind that before the bowing occurs, the Jews are STANDING, which is an ordinary thing to do. You hear that? Standing is the bare minimum. Bowing is the next level, and then kneeling is the final and most reverential level.

I think that makes a lot of sense. So... kneel. Now. In the comments section. And... stop freaking out when football players do it. They're the real patriots! (Just not the Patriots, because screw those guys.)

You can bet the Koopa Football Players at least bowed down to King Koopa after grabbing the princess!

For a collection of Ludwig's greatest singing hits (which is technically all of them), check out this playlist. When you're done listening, Ludwig wants to see a lot of kneeling in the comments section below. It makes no sense to him why Americans are so concerned about what people do with their bodies and how they choose to revere their country and flag, and even America's non-king leader is clueless. Perhaps the United States needs a king for Americans to bend their knee to?

Ludwig thinks the United States of America should be Koopa Kingdom's next annexation target, following the Alberta acquisition.


  1. In addition to this "exotic flavor," Christians, on a typical Sunday mass, only kneel twice per the mass, as to celebrate the Holy Communion. Other than that? No kneeling, at all.

    During class hours, we always salute the American Flag, but we never kneel. Our hand would be at the chest, where we recite it.

    1. Kneeling twice per week is pretty often...!

      You salute the flag AND place it over your chest?

      See, my hands are everywhere all the time. That's not particularly honourable to be making hand motions or whatever.

  2. "There's a reason we don't ever reference the Shell-Spangled Banner on this site." *had just referenced the Shell-Spangled Banner*

    Also, hypothetically speaking, I WOULD welcome our new Koopa a "your problem now" kind of way. ;)

    1. Well, since the story IS partly about the Star-Spangled Banner...

      ...But we never ever go off on a tangent to promote the Shell version, like we do for, say, King Bowser's Alberta Annex or Ain't No Koopa High Enough.

      We might solve your problems by state-sponsored... disappearances, if you're alright with that.

    2. Eh, I doubt it'd WORK so technically I'm not. Large societal problems are more systemic, you can eliminate ten people who are part of the problem and a hundred more will take their place.

    3. Well, I did advocate for this a couple of articles ago:

      "round them up for their extermination. ...And if that ISN'T his end goal, then, hey, it'll be mine."

  3. Replies
    1. Hey, I didn't identify myself as a Jew (in this article)... I wrote all references to the Jews in the third person!

                      ~:   $7Z              
               :$ :  II~ .Z7ZOD  :=         
               .88=~~=~+I8 OI8M+O           
            =OZMZ?.Z$OOOZ$I7I  ZMMIIII?O    
            +IZ7I?IZOOOO$$I?ZO       :$     
          7I?++?I7$77.  .ZZZZO7             
            III7$ZZ$     II7$$ZO            
             II77$$7     ?+++I7O?           
    "(ノ''_ _)ノ"""

    1. If you squint really hard, you will see that it is King Bowser in the top image. If I would have known how this it how it would turn out, I would have made the text smaller.

    2. * "If I would have known how this would turn out..."
      I normally don't correct typos, but I really butchered that sentence. I admit that my mistake is also pretty ironic considering Tuesday's article was all about using proper English skills. In my defense, I can't edit comments by only using my name as my profile. I also really need to fully review my comments before hitting submit.

    3. I can't edit comments either.

      But yeah, that ASCII is a total disaster. It's ass-key.


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