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Tuesday, October 4, 2016

KoopaTV Judges the Pence vs. Kaine Vice-Presidential Debate

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - Or, as Herman Cain would put it, Pence vs. K-A-I-N-E.

Both Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton looked pretty undesirable in the previous & first presidential debate. So, maybe the guy who will probably run the show for Trump (Mike Pence) and/or the guy who no one knows who he is (Tim Kaine) will be better than their respective top of the ticket?

Tim Kaine is a Senator from Virginia, and was also the governor of Virginia. He continues the trend of this presidential election cycle producing former governors of Virginia that no one knows about, the first being KoopaTV-favourite Jim Gilmore. Vortex was pretty amused when I asked him what it feels like to be the only person in Great Britain to even know who Jim Gilmore is, so I think with this vice presidential nomination, Tim Kaine is at least above that. He seems like a generic white guy. (Tim and Jim, hm...)

Meanwhile, Mike Pence is a movement conservative, and that includes some of the bad stuff that legislating social conservatism brings. He's otherwise solid, but that is a big hurdle. Unlike Trump, Mike Pence's personality is best described as “boring”, and could also be described as a generic white guy.

As established in the first debate back in September, some donor money from Ludwig is on the line for the debate performances tonight! The grading system will show up at the end of this article, and someone's going to get some money eventually. (Ludwig withheld the $11 he owes the Trump campaign until a better time. Perhaps now will be that time?) Without further ado, the judgment:

Tim Kaine vice presidential debate arrogant smile grin
Tim Kaine the whole time. (aka Happy Mask Salesman)

Tim Kaine desperately wished to make a first-impression to the nation. So what did he do? He was a total dick the entire time, spouting out pre-written lines (“Hillary Clinton will be a ‘You're hired!’ president and Donald Trump will be a ‘You're fired!’ president!” Cute, but meaningless) and lies the entire time. Tim Kaine somehow lied more than Hillary Clinton ever did. Tim Kaine was interrupting Mike Pence from the very beginning, just to be loud, annoying, and lie, lie, lie. Keep saying the same lies and total distortions and hope the attacks stick. In the words of Rawk, “Lying looks a lot worse when you're doing it offensively. [...] Kaine was like an evil prosecutor.”

Meanwhile, Governor Pence was a lot more gentleman-ly and soft-spoken, and not pre-scripted, and he even called Tim Kaine out on being scripted. Pence conceded to respecting Tim Kaine as a person, that community policing works, and that Hillary Clinton was part of the team that assassinated Osama bin Laden. Right after, Tim Kaine lied that “[Mike Pence] doesn't want to acknowledge that Hillary was part of the team that got bin Laden.” To which Pence replied, “...I just did.”

On that note, Tim Kaine insists that killing Osama bin Laden was a major step to making the world much safer and secure, as if ISIS doesn't exist.

Tim Kaine CONSTANTLY made statements like, “I can't imagine how Governor Pence can sit there and defend Donald Trump on XXXX” after lying and making a total straw-man about something Donald Trump supposedly said or did. Pence didn't bring himself to that idiotic level, and instead of being baited, pointed out how it's really Hillary Clinton with an insult-driven campaign with her basket of deplorables comment. Tim Kaine also said it's “absolutely false” that if ordinary Americans tried to start The Dark Age of the Law by purposefully mishandling classified information, those ordinary Americans would be prosecuted. That's false, Tim Kaine? How dishonest can you be? You'd be in jail for that, reader. (It's safe to assume Hillary Clinton herself isn't reading this site.)

Tim Kaine also constantly made irrelevant statements about tax returns, apparently not knowing how little you can actually get out of looking at those. Tax returns to Tim Kaine are like ISIS to Lindsey Graham. Apparently, Donald Trump cannot be a leader of the military because Donald Trump minimised — as every American and American business does — the federal income taxes he pays. That translates to Trump not supporting the military and the troops. Mike Pence shut it down by asking, “Do you not take deductions?” That didn't get an answer.

In case you're looking towards third-parties because of these debates, well, the Green Party ticket continually invalidates themselves.

Tim Kaine is an annoying jerk, and the American people are smart enough to not let his lies stick. Mike Pence was calm and made points. So... scoring:

Donald Trump Mike Pence Hillary Clinton Tim Kaine debate scores after vice presidential debate
Three KoopaTV staffers out of three present gave Pence exactly a 70.


Ludwig is aware that a ton of videogame-related news for the unreleased games KoopaTV is watching very closely came out today, and as of publishing, he still hasn't looked at them. He's had a big headache the whole day and was napping until he realised he had to watch these two dudes debate. He'll donate to the Donald J. Trump campaign sometime later.

Here is the next debate between Trump and Hillary! Both parties score higher.
Four years later, Mike Pence was given the opportunity to debate vice presidential nominee Kamala Harris.


  1. Kaine is one of the few people I know who has a face that's begging to be slapped. He makes Hillary look like an angel in comparison.

    1. I dunno, man...


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