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Monday, October 31, 2022

The Gordo Halloween '22 PSA

By CAPTAIN STITCH - Essential Gordo info for the complete experience.

Halloween is the second most wonderful time of the year. Putting aside the risks of drug-laced candy, it gives our youth a chance to reenact the motions of the heroes (and villains) from yesteryear. Truly, it does bring a tear to one's eye, at the joy the children often have for the most vile and repulsive caricatures. A different tear is brought to the eye of the parents who bear witness to this event. Pirates, Vikings, Demons, and the very worst offenders, video game characters.

Ghost Gordos Kirby and the Forgotten Land
Ghost Gordos,
very spooky, a perfect costume choice.

This Halloween I must implore all of you reading this message to put an end to this annual circus of debauchery the only way I know how. By insisting the next generation dons the appearance of the Gordo this upcoming Halloween. It is the only way to keep the pure and innocent minds of our youth pure and innocent, whilst also enabling them to grow up through the reenactment of moral historical figures. Now some of you may say that what I've just said speaks to a lot of cognitive dissonance, and that Gordos are video game characters as well. To that I say, did you know that the Gordo hasn’t just appeared in the Kirby franchise, but also have cameos in Super Mario Land, Link's Awakening, and multiple Super Smash Bros. games. That’s right, we got a cameo before it was cool for everyone to do it ala Spirits. You may also have qualms about our actual morality but I can assure you the Gordo are patron saints.

Gordo Cannon Kirby Planet Robobot

Even though we detest Kirby, we still helped him out in his cause to free Planet Popstar of the Haltmann Works Company in Kirby Planet Robobot. How could Kirby have progressed if one of our…more portly assiduous members hadn’t helped clear the way? If that doesn’t say V-E-N-E-R-A-B-L-E, then I don’t know what will.

So now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, here are some more truthful and essential reasons why you should submit to what your mind, body, and soul are telling you and make like the Gordo this Halloween season.
  1. Halloween is all about scary things, and what could be more scary than sharp protruding objects. Studies say that Aichmophobia (the fear of sharp things) affects between 3.5 and ten percent of the population, with the average age at the onset of the condition being 5.5 years old. Approximately 80 percent of those who suffer from the condition report immediate relatives suffering from the very same thing. The Gordo possess these very fear inducing factors in their plentiful body spikes, how thrilling!
  2. Halloween is all about being flashy. Dressing up in interesting costumes and such. What could be more interesting than a spherically sound mass whose very chemical makeup exudes that of invincibility. Not to mention a calm demeanor that indicates no struggle or misuse of the Gordos great power, but rather the notion of perfect equilibrium. How inspiring!
  3. Halloween is all about being simple. Nobody likes those flashy in your face costumes with lots of details that do nothing but clutter up the streets and lives of those who live in the area those costumes are presented in. Going Gordo couldn’t be a simpler or cheaper alternative to the gross splurge of money on one time use outfits. The Gordo’s modest design, big beautiful eyes and ivory colored spikes, allows it to be the perfect don on Halloween, or any other time of the year. How quaint!

If my words here today mean nothing to you, please think of the children. There are so many dreadful problems and pestilences these days that have ravaged the world for decades. If the children could smile just once this year, it would mean so much to our upcoming generation of people. Now I am not so vain as to suggest that dressing up as a Gordo will go a long way to solving all our world problems and will brighten the lives of every Gordo garber by 200%, so here is someone that will;
“Dressing up as a Gordo will go a long way to solving all our world problems and will brighten the lives of every Gordo garber by 200%”
-Anonymous Gordo

Bless that Gordo. Whether you like what he had to say or not, he represents the distinct honesty of the Gordo Species. Happy Halloween, and stay vigilant.

Captain Stitch is the Venerable Leader of the Gordo. You may remember him from his memorable appearance in Kirby's Dreamland 2. But that was about 27 years ago now, and so he has a lot of time on his hands. This is his first Halloween PSA, and he hopes you will heed his advice. Even if you decide to take the path of darkness and disregard his advice, please let Captain Stitch know how much you value the Gordo in the comments below. Haaaaaapppppyyyyy Halloween!


  1. You know, I can't help but notice that Ludwig waited to post this until Halloween day at the earliest, by which time it was very nearly certain to be utterly too late to act upon this message.

    1. Media bias is prevalent everywhere. At the very least this same message can be applied for next Halloween. In fact, it can even be applied this Christmas. Who says that Santa has to be the one coming down the chimney, why can't it be a Gordo instead? Food for thought.

    2. I guess you could call me thinking that dressing up as a Gordo for Halloween is a stupid idea so I'm not in a rush to publish an article on it to be a form of media bias...


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