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Friday, August 8, 2014

Secure Your Mind First, George Zimmerman

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - Before you go be a security guard.

I really thought that KoopaTV wouldn't have anything to write about George Zimmerman after the one-year anniversary of his famous acquittal.

Well, I'm happy to be wrong! Back to ZimmermanTV!

At the end of July 2014, it was reported by Florida police that George Zimmerman was found in the middle of the night guarding a motorcycle shop that also sells guns. To be exact, it was the Deland, Florida location of the local motorcycle shop chain, Pompano Pat's. It also happens to be where George Zimmerman got a free gun. Just some trivia.

Here's the thing: Despite the history together, Zimmerman was never asked to be there. In fact, Pat Johnson, the founder of Pompano Pat's, declared that he learned about Zimmerman being there from the news. You know, the same place where President Barack Hussein Obama learns what's going on in the country.

Zimmerman is just trying to work, according to himself. But is there more to the story? KoopaTV investigates.

So what exactly was George Zimmerman doing there? Well, there have been robberies at Pompano Pat's before... very recently. Stolen motorcycles and guns. Kind of like how there were robberies in Retreat View Circle and that's why Zimmerman became the neighbourhood watch captain there. George Zimmerman is a natural defender of people's property!


George Zimmerman as Maggey Byrde the security guard.
"I have a history of being unlucky with the law."

So George Zimmerman is a hero. We know that. You can search George Zimmerman in the KoopaTV search bar and get many articles covering this. Here is where it gets interesting: Why were the police there anyway? Reportedly, the police guy who found Zimmerman outside the shop just came upon him by chance, and wrote a police report basically saying Zimmerman was there but not doing any crimes. Well, okay, then what was the point of being there or writing that report?


George Zimmerman as Larry Butz the security guard.
When something smells, it's usually Zimmerman.

Here is another wrinkle to complicate the story: Pat Johnson is running for Deland mayor on a conservative platform. He's running against this long-time incumbent guy, Bob Apgar, who I hear sucks.
 
As such, Bob Apgar is afraid of him. What if he sent his thugs — I'm sorry, I mean cops — to stalk Pat's businesses and life and look for something? What if he, Mayor Bob Apgar, thinks that an association with George Zimmerman is a bad thing? What if Apgar considers being around Zimmerman to be... a curse?

George Zimmerman as Wendy Oldbag the security guard.
"Oh my dear Apgar-poo! You're a handsome fellow!"

Then it would be in his best interest to create a story against George Zimmerman because he believes the voters of Deland would think the same thing. He can't win based on the facts! He's using Zimmerman as a diversion tactic! It's not George Zimmerman running as mayor (although we would enjoy it if he did do that), it's Pat Johnson! If Bob Apgar wasn't so soft on crime, then George Zimmerman would not need to "volunteer" to be a security guard at Pat Johnson's shop. Does that mean that Apgar is creating jobs? No, that's the classic Parable Of The Broken Window fallacy. If George Zimmerman did not have to be a security guard, resources could instead be used for him to do something more productive.

Like... um... He could...

Be a boxer! Oh, that didn't work out.

Be the United States Ambassador to North Korea! ...Maybe not. (Do we even have one of those?)

Sue people! ...Not that that's really productive. ...In fact, it's toxic.

Maybe he can kill some kids and go on trial? ...Erm...

Oh! Right! How could I forget? He has his gig in Super Smash Bros. 4! But that's not really something he can do during the day. It's not live, after all.

Well, I guess this means there really is no opportunity cost to having George Zimmerman be a security guard. But he's not getting paid... and Bob Apgar doesn't even want him there. So he doesn't get credit for that job! (Much to Barack Hussein Obama's chagrin, 'cause he needs every new job in the economy he can get.)

George Zimmerman as Ron DeLite the security guard.
"Stop bashing me PLLEEEEEAAAASSSSSEEEEE! ...Well, maybe I deserve"

By the way, all of the Ace Attorney characters portrayed in this article have been more successful security guards than George Zimmerman. The guy couldn't keep the cops out! So much for guarding!


Ludwig is a huge George Zimmerman supporter. George Zimmerman is a huge KoopaTV supporter as well: He Follows KoopaTV on Twitter. You should too @TheREALKoopaTV . ZimmermanTV will now take another break.


ZimmermanTV actually has game-related news: He's out of Smash 4!

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