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Wednesday, May 10, 2017

The Wonderful 1237 Strategy Guides: Jeb Bush

 By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - You see that normal-looking title? Everywhere else, he'll be called JEB!.

Today's strategy guide for The Wonderful 1237, KoopaTV's amazing browser-based Flash game, is quite a treat. In case you don't know yet, The Wonderful 1237 features seventeen unique minigames, all from each of the seventeen Republican presidential candidates you will be competing with should you play it.

Right in the middle of the Wonderful Wednesday article about those minigames, this strategy guide is about the man who is part of a now-failed political dynasty, and has been disgraced into a memetic-status: JEB! Bush. In real life, JEB! Bush appeared to be the most formidable candidate in the Republican primaries, having raised the most money of anyone. However, this money advantage isn't represented in The Wonderful 1237, stripping JEB! Bush to his bare essentials: An adorably unlikable loser. Take a look at his abysmal stats:

Candidate Stats

Base stats and growth:
Beauty: 0 + (0–2)
Cool: 0 + (0–2)
Cute: 1 + (0–5)
Smart: 0 + (0–3)
Tough: 1 + (0–2)

Average untouched stats after 14 rounds:
Beauty: 14
Cool: 14
Cute: 36
Smart: 21
Tough: 15

Average likelihood of surviving Iowa if untouched:
Not likely. (JEB! Bush will have 9 delegates on average; need 11 to clear.)
The Wonderful 1237 Versus Jeb Bush fight
“Versus... JEB! BUSH! Fight!”


Basic Information

Slow and Steady.
Win the race!
Approximate Time to Play:
10 seconds of action.
Press the spacebar to move, or get ready to, anyway. Mm-hmm.


Detailed Description:
JEB! Bush, representing a turtle, must compete in a race against George H. W. Bush — representing a hare — and George W. Bush — representing a horse. At the start of the race, the two Georges race ahead, while JEB! is stuck at the beginning. He will tell you how many times you need to press on your spacebar. You'll have 10 seconds to press the spacebar that many times. Once 10 seconds is up, JEB! will rush ahead depending on how many times your spacebar was pressed.
If JEB! Bush is exactly at the finish line, it's a perfect score. If he is plus or minus that, then he starts getting points off. The exact formula for the score is 100 minus the absolute value of (JEB!'s x-position minus 45 [45 being the x-coordinate of the finish line]). What determines how far JEB! moves per spacebar press is the variant. The formula means that a smaller number of required spacebar taps means each spacebar tap is more important to your score. Note that JEB! starts at x = -215, meaning there are 260 paces to go through total.
Optimal Tactics:
Count your spacebar taps out loud, or at least in your head. The most efficient way to count quickly is this: Once you get past “ten”, rather than say “eleven”, you should go back to “one.” The teens and twenties and thirties all use multiple syllables. Zero through nine all have one syllable. As long as you can remember the tens digit, you'll be fine. Also, JEB!'s pathetic worrisome nature will try to throw you off/distract you at the beginning. Ignore him. The timer begins when the narrator says “Begin!” Don't be startled by the lack of feedback as you press the spacebar. Your presses are being counted. JEB! is just weird and doesn't react to stimulus.
The track length ranges from 30 spaces (each spacebar tap moves 8.67 pixels to the right) to 50 spaces (each spacebar tap moves 5.2 pixels to the right), with each integer in-between having an equal likelihood of being selected. The number of spaces is identified via on-screen text dialogue by JEB!.

The Wonderful 1237 JEB Bush Slow and Steady minigame horse race tortoise hare
Press space 38 times in 10 seconds. (JEB! will move 6.84 pixels per spacebar.)

Other Trivia

Skill(s) Tested:
Rapid-fire counting/number processing under pressure.
First of all, the whole JEB! thing comes from his stupid campaign logo, featuring an exclamation point. Second, JEB! is a turtle because of reasons explained in KoopaTV's World Turtle Day 2016 article. The game takes the horse-racing metaphor for the political battle literally, by having a horse-race. The competitors are George H. W. Bush and George W. Bush, JEB!'s father and brother, who were both presidents. JEB! aspires to become president just like the rest of his family... but he failed, perpetuating his inferiority complex. Of course, George H. W. Bush is represented by the hare to have tortoise and the hare imagery, and George W. Bush is represented by the horse because it's a horse-race... and to have the Texan cowboy imagery.

Play The Minigame Here!

Next week is the most asset-heavy (due to voice clips) minigame of The Wonderful 1237. Rather than wait for it, you can go ahead and play the entire The Wonderful 1237 right now, on KoopaTV!

Click here for the previous strategy guide in the series.
Click here for the next strategy guide in the series, which is the most asset-heavy. ...Oh, and the character himself is heavy...
Did you want horse-racing with just horses? Perhaps you should try Pocket Card Jockey!


  1. Pocket Card Jockey does not even come close to the stellar gameplay in this mini-game.

    1. Strongly disagree, but I can see where you'd get the impression.

      Will link the Pocket Card Jockey article at the bottom as a related article.


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