Soviet Missile Run: 30-Second Advertisement Video!

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - Alternatively called a commercial, or a trailer.

If me simply writing that you should go play Soviet Missile Run isn't enough, then how about a whole 30-second advertisement video rendered in-engine?

Here's the script:

In a time long ago, the Soviet Union had catastrophic, world-ending power...
...Why does the world remain today? Because of the efforts from an... unlikely quadruple agent.
Platform across the continent to the Soviet Union's biggest missile factory and destroy it!
It's you versus the Soviet Union and its missile stockpiles.
Good luck!
SOVIET MISSILE RUN!
Available exclusively and freely at KoopaTV.org!
“I should probably diffuse the missile before I die.”

Of course, that 30-second trailer doesn't even begin to cover all of the fun and drama that awaits you in Soviet Missile Run, and leaves out a number of awesome features that you'll have to discover for yourself!

PLAY SOVIET MISSILE RUN HERE!

Ludwig strongly encourages you to play Soviet Missile Run, though it's not like he wouldn't publish something and NOT encourage you to play it. That said, a lot of work went into it, and there is still further promotion of the game and content to be made! This advertisement video is the beginning. If you have any feedback on the trailer itself (and it's internally considered to be the best one of the five advertisement videos KoopaTV has produced for one of its games), then leave a comment here.

Be Nice To Newbies In Multiplayer Games

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - ...It's nice to be nice to everyone all times of the year, though.

With many retailers only being profitable around a one-to-two month period of the year (from Black Friday to Christmas), it stands to reason that online multiplayer gaming environments get a big boost in new blood around this time of year.

So... how should people who have been participating in those games long before this month respond to this influx of players?

I've written before about my strong anti-smurfing stance, likening it to gun-free zones, which I'm also strongly against. (Very underrated article, by the way. Give it some comments.) Among the many things I wrote there, I said it is very important to not drive away players. But that's not really enough, is it? So, this time, I'll add this:

Why Amtrak Shouldn't Exist

By KAMEK - Top Koopa Keep HQ Manager on a coffee-fueled holiday binge.

It’s the holiday season! Even through the recovery of the horrible tragedy of Sierra Leone earlier this year, we all continue to keep holiday hours. It keeps spirits high and gives those in need a chance to acquire the goods they need for their families.

Ludwig is hard at work and tries his best to keep his royal nap time schedule. In an experiment I’m monitoring, Rawk is mirroring a circadian rhythm with the people of Japan. In doing so he plays the Japanese RPG Xenoblade Chronicles 2 to keep his mind off the horrible consequences of destroying his natural circadian rhythm, claiming that “I've got a good rhythm going!” Vortex, our international correspondent and musical talent, is probably the only one who has kept a natural sleep schedule. Wendy is on her PC and will glance at the Discord every now and then to make sure it isn’t on fire. I, Kamek, am taking care of HQ during the holiday season. This includes monitoring security, deploying our holly jolly defense unit on unsuspecting carolers, and playing Stardew Valley late into the night (effectively ruining my own sleep schedule).

In my coffee-fueled hyperactivity, stemming from my lack of sleep and disturbed sleep schedule, my associates have had to deal with my odd musings. This one being brought on by recent news:

Amtrak shouldn’t exist.

Playing With The Whole Staff: Should We All Get Rocket League?

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - I don't have the answers this time. If you do, please comment!

Ever since its port announcement at Nintendo's E3 2017, discussion about Rocket League in KoopaTV's internal instant-messaging platforms has accelerated. That hasn't trickled tremendously onto KoopaTV's pages, but check out staff members’ reactions in the past two live reaction logs Rocket League has been in:

Nintendo's September 13, 2017 Nintendo Direct: 

(6:23:39 PM) (rawkhawk2010) I've always wanted to play Rocket League.
(6:23:42 PM) (Kamek) hmmmm
(6:23:54 PM) (rawkhawk2010) Was that Samus?
(6:23:58 PM) (Vortexica) I like Rocket League but I'm bad at it.
(6:24:06 PM) Ludwig Von Koopa: Ya.
(6:24:08 PM) (Kamek) Rocket League
(6:24:16 PM) (Kamek) was alot of fun

The Game Awards 2017:

[9:37 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: Rocket League.
[9:37 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: ON Switch.
[9:37 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: Rated E for "Mild Lyrics" and "Users Interact"
[9:37 PM] Rawk: can you turn this music off?
[9:37 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: Since when did "Users Interact" become an ESRB thing?
[9:37 PM] Kamek: Like i said guys. Rocket league should be our go to
[9:37 PM] Wendy O. Koopa: because
[9:37 PM] Wendy O. Koopa: fapping
[9:37 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: "OUT NOW"
[9:38 PM] Kamek: W-what? @Wendy O. Koopa
[9:38 PM] Kamek: You know what. Nvm
[9:38 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: (Do you WANT elaboration?)

...Let's just pay attention to what Kamek said there, his first line. With the power of cross-platform multiplayer (which we'll discuss in-depth in a future article), Rocket League can be the game that all of KoopaTV's staff members can play together. It can be... but should it be?

I don't know, but we are a little time-limited in our decision, so we are turning to our readers (and anyone else who wants to give their opinion) to help guide us to the correct decision, because of this: 

KoopaTV To Distribute Corporate Tax Cut Savings To All Staff Members!

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - Merry Christmas.

(FREETOWN, Sierra Leone, Dec. 25, 2017) Following the historic corporate tax cut passed by the United States Congress and signed by President Donald John Trump, Planet Koopa LLC is announcing that it will distribute the extra retained earnings made possible by the corporate tax cut to its employees, contributing to the popular KoopaTV brand. 

Ludwig Von Koopa, Prince of Koopa Kingdom and managing director of KoopaTV, said in a statement about the bonus, “Thank you, King Bowser Koopa! You're the greatest!”

Planet Koopa LLC has chosen in its IRS filings to be taxed as a corporation rather than a partnership.

KoopaTV, founded in May 2013, currently operates on a five-member staff and is concluding a successful 2017. The organisation is looking forward to even greater success in 2018, hot off the release of its new videogame, Soviet Missile Run.

Mr. Koopa continues, “Our employees are our greatest asset, and I am very pleased that King Dad has made the executive decision to institutionally recognise that for the year.”

The rest of Planet Koopa’s retained earnings will either be distributed to its primary shareholder, the King of Koopa Kingdom, or be reinvested into the business to fund projects, such as the KoopaTV Loyalty Rewards Program, KoopaTV’s reader retention program. The KoopaTV Loyalty Rewards Program will be giving away the equivalent value of 57.05 United States Dollars in benefits to participating readers by next week. It requires no user registration, but just a consistent identity. Readers may gain points by commenting on KoopaTV articles, submitting content and feedback, contributing to the site’s projects such as its TV Tropes pages, and more, with even more new methods starting in January’s KoopaTV Loyalty Rewards Program Round 18.

On-again, off-again KoopaTV staffer RawkHawk2010, upon being told of the employee bonus, stated, “I'm gonna use the bonus to start a homeless ministry in Sierra Leone for escaped farm animals and feed the sheep big-ticket earthworms.”


Planet Koopa, d.b.a. KoopaTV, serves the universe as Koopa Kingdom's communications outlet. With the KoopaTV brand, Koopa Kingdom’s message has reached hundreds of thousands of people, informing and entertaining the right people at the right time to influence change. Products include a written commentary article every weekday, video productions, artistic works, award-winning videogames, and more, within the gaming industry space. If you need more information, please contact Planet Koopa's public relations at info(at)koopatv(dot)org.


While there are no guarantees of this happening next year, if you want the possibility of joining up with such a generous organisation, then join KoopaTV's staff by clicking here!

Play SOVIET MISSILE RUN Right Here!

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - A free, browser-based platformer exclusively on KoopaTV!

We are pleased to formally announce KoopaTV's FIFTH browser-based, free Flash game: Soviet Missile Run! Soviet Missile Run is a true platforming game, taking place while the Soviet Union was still a thing. Platform on missiles as you infiltrate past Soviet soldiers to deactivate the missile factory, and cripple the Soviet Union's ability to take over the world!

Soviet Missile Run, presented by KoopaTV.org. Just in time for 2017!
Here's what the title screen looks like!

You play as Varya, a quadruple agent (possibly quintuple, sextuple, or even more) born in the Soviet Union but flipped by the Central Intelligence Agency of the United States. Varya is on a mission to destroy Soviet Russia's biggest missile factory, and starts her journey fainting at the sight of a giant missile. She (and you, as the player) will have to get used to missiles very fast, since she'll be jumping on them and using them as platforms very high in the sky! There's scary Soviet soldiers, a captain with possible romantic sub-texts, and a big blue boss man in her way!

Varya's character introduction.

Ready to get started? Well, unlike many other companies’ game announcements, but entirely like all of KoopaTV's game announcements, we have released Soviet Missile Run for your gaming pleasure. It is available RIGHT NOW, right below the page break! (Please be using a Flash-enabled device and activate Adobe Flash.)

Need a Present for Teenagers? The Ultimate Holiday and Birthday Gift Guide

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - This is time-tested advice.

Cash is the best gift.

Cash is also amazing for gift givers. You don't have to go far to obtain it. Banks and ATMs should be everywhere, so cash is readily available AND very quick to get, which is why we feel comfortable publishing this so close to Christmas. If you don't have any money in your bank account and you're broke, well, there's a secret gift that you can give that costs nothing to obtain or enjoy. Wait for the bottom of this article for that secret tip. You otherwise have no business in an article about the best gifts if you don't have money, though.

What makes cash so powerful, you might ask? As I've tangentially written before,

Great Progress, America! Big-League Tax Package!

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - If I wasn't King Bowser Koopa's son and subject, I might be jealous of you.

It may not be the FairTax, but all things considered, the United States of America just got GREATER than it was at any point in KoopaTV's existence. President Donald John Trump has finally been delivered a substantive policy win by Congress in the form of a big-league tax bill.

We realise that a lot of American people out there get their information from the FAKE NEWS media that is obsessed over this phony Russian collusion story, so we figured, since KoopaTV dedicates substantial air time towards tax-related subjects, we'd tell you what just happened today.

The Republican Party in the Senate and House of Representatives (that's all of Congress) successfully passed the Tax Cuts and Jobs Act of 2017 (formally called “Act to provide for reconciliation pursuant to titles II and V of the concurrent resolution on the budget for fiscal year 2018”), which is the first major tax initiative in the United States since before all of our readers have been alive. (Anyone here over 31?)

If you're in the United States and you work and aren't paid in cash under the table, chances are that starting in 2018, you are going to get higher take-home pay because of this bill. Every income group gets a tax reduction. The company you work for will get a major tax reduction. That means companies can spend that money on whatever they want, including bonuses for workers, hiring new people, investing in new equipment, or blowing it on corporate jets or stock buyback programs. Up to them!

Amazingly, the entire Democrat Party is against people getting tax cuts. I have no idea how you guys can keep supporting them. They justify their opposition against the bill because they are under the mathematically impossible impression that lowering people's taxes will result in a tax increase on the middle class. How can that be?

Monster Hunter: World, Featuring Mega Man

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - So much for modernisation...

I still vividly remember seeing the T-Rex in Nintendo's E3 2017 Spotlight and thinking that it was CAPCOM's Monster Hunter: World, which they just debuted the night before during Sony's E3 2017 conference. And then Cappy appeared on top of it. At that point, it still could've been a cameo thing (which would be far from the first time that's happened) exclusive to what would be the Nintendo Switch version of Monster Hunter: World, but... it was full-blown Super Mario Odyssey and we all freaked out and subsequently forgot about Monster Hunter.

What became of Monster Hunter: World? Well, it was never announced for the Switch. After being a series that was happily carrying CAPCOM on the Nintendo 3DS and sometimes Wii U, Monster Hunter: World will be released only on the PlayStation 4, the PC, and the Xbox One, and if you're not a PC, it'll be released in January 2018. (PC version has an unknown release date.)

While we don't like “World” as a sub-title, it reflects the game's bigger worlds and worldwide release. CAPCOM wants THIS to be the Monster Hunter game that gets Westerners interested in it, though I feel like they've been saying that for the past several Monster Hunters. That's why it's not given a number at the end. I suppose, this time, for real, the team will be internally evaluated based on how well the game does in non-Japan markets. In other words, if, say, 50% of sales come from non-Japan, they'll get a bonus. ...Or they'll get their normal pay and they'll just be fired if they fail.

Perhaps that explains efforts like this: 

Marina, Stop Leading Terrible Splatfest Teams

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - We need an intervention for the Octoling Off the Hook member.

North America has gone through six Splatfests in Splatoon 2, though I won't count Cake vs. Ice Cream since it was a four-hour demo open to non-owners of the game.

Seeing as how the next Splatfest, presumably in January, COULD take place when the Nintendo Switch Online turns into an annual paid service (the time window for that is still just “2018” — is that January 1, 2018?), now would be a good turning point for Marina to either get her tentacles together, or to stop leading teams that I agree with.

To understand what I mean, observe the results of this table: