Did You Know Americans Spend More Dollars On Lotteries Than Real Entertainment?

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - The lottery is a waste of money, AND not fun!

You Americans apparently spend over $70 billion on state lotteries every year. If you're poor, it's because you think it'll be a miraculous way to escape poverty. If you're not poor, you apparently play the lottery because you think it's... good entertainment? What?

It turns out that consumers spend more money on the lottery every year than every other form of entertainment put together. I have a big issue with that. The lottery isn't fun, and that's extending lottery to things besides buying a ticket and waiting for the draw results. Scratchcards are boring. Instant win tickets are boring. There's nothing satisfying, in terms of gameplay, about the whole lottery establishment.

It's wise to think of the lottery in terms of entertainment value, because, of course, the odds of winning more money than you paid in are against you. Lottery is one of the worst forms of gambling in terms of both your odds of winning and entertainment value. Even the Nintendo Badge Casino is better. (I'm happy to report that Nintendo Badge Arcade will no longer have new updates, so the number of badges is now a finite UNDER NINE-THOUSAND amount.)

Since I mentioned gaming, however, I will say that there are many games out there — and it feels like most of them dwell on mobile devices or the web — that are glorified lottery systems with more interesting window dressing, except you're not paying for anything that has a possibility of getting you a return.

The Wonderful 1237 Strategy Guides: Scott Walker

 By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - Scott Walker, in the governor's house! Scott Walker transformed into a mouse!

Two more strategy guides left for The Wonderful 1237! If you are just joining us, then you really should go back and start with what The Wonderful 1237 is by clicking there. Basically, The Wonderful 1237 is a browser-based Flash game that is a satire of the 2015–2016 Republican presidential primaries.

Each opposing Republican candidate — 17 in all (you play as yourself) —  has their own minigame, which you can read about in terms of the development process over here. Today's article, as the header delightfully will tell you (it's a reference that you shouldn't get), is about Scott Walker. Scott Walker is the governor of Wisconsin. He won three elections to be governor in four years, which, if you don't know about America's politics, is very abnormal. (One of those was a recall election made by union thugs.) Unfortunately for Scott Walker, no one likes him outside of Wisconsin, and he was considered too ugly and not charismatic for everyone else. I think his stats in The Wonderful 1237 reflect that, having the second lowest stat total in the game. He is of no threat to anyone (except union thugs).

...Which means you should enjoy his minigame demo at the bottom of the page!

Candidate Stats

Base stats and growth:

Beauty: 0 + (0–1)

Cool: 0 + (0–3)

Cute: 0 + (0–1)

Smart: 0 + (0–3)

Tough: 0 + (0–4)

Average untouched stats after 14 rounds:

Beauty: 7

Cool: 21

Cute: 7

Smart: 21

Tough: 28

Average likelihood of surviving Iowa if untouched:

Very unlikely. (Scott Walker will have 7 delegates on average; need 11 to clear.)

“Versus... Scott...WalKER! Fight.”

Run Fast From Undertale's PlayStation Port. Mania!

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - A tale of two games with bad franchises. Different fates!

Today, Undertale and Sonic Mania came out. The former is notable for being the biggest news from Sony during E3 2017, despite not appearing in Sony's crappy conference. Undertale is also responsible for ruining the end of 2015, both in terms of being voted by freaks as the BEST GAME EVER and for those freaks spreading unfunny “memes” throughout the Internet. 

They're still trying to do that. That's why Undertale being revived on the PlayStation 4 and the PlayStation Vita is a big part of their agenda. (Well, the PlayStation Vita release isn't contributing to a revival.)

You might conclude that, since I'm still bringing up the GameFAQs Best. Game. Ever contest from 2015, that I'm still holding that against Undertale and that I'm not giving Undertale a fair shot. That's a logical conclusion to make, but I also believe that I can be very fair-minded and logical as well. Let me be objective here.

WE'RE ALIVE! Regent, Sierra Leone MUDSLIDE Kills HUNDREDS!

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - KoopaTV's office wasn't directly affected by the mudslide.

It is fairly common knowledge that the staffers at KoopaTV are excellent, kind-hearted people just looking to help our local communities. Princess Wendy O. Koopa and myself (Prince Ludwig Von Koopa) decided to help our neighbours out in the quaint country of Sierra Leone, Africa. (We hope it's also common knowledge that KoopaTV's office and headquarters on Earth is in Freetown, Sierra Leone, selected for its excellent real estate values.) KoopaTV truly loves the Sierra Leonean people — their great hospitality, welcoming royal Koopas in their human land and allowing us to co-exist in harmony (as long as the Ebola is kept under wraps). We had already dedicated today to being community service day, and we headed over to Ma Soupswill's soup kitchen in Freetown. We're just do-gooding, humankind-loving humanitarians.

However, we quickly discovered something was very wrong once we got to Ma Soupswill's soup kitchen. There was an absolutely horrific tragedy that happened today near Freetown, Sierra Leone: In the Sierra Leonean area of Regent, just sort of south of our headquarters, there was a massive mudslide that killed at least over 200 people. If you look at mudslide history, you'll know that these subset of landslides can be absolutely devastating to structures and people, and they have a tendency to wipe things out. That's compounded thanks to Sierra Leone having bad infrastructure in general, along with the non-stop torrential rain and thunderstorms we've been having since before E3 2017 over two months ago. (For years, we've been donating a percentage of KoopaTV's profits to help strengthen Sierra Leone's infrastructure, but those amounts are unfortunately nowhere near enough to solve the problem.)

Here's one explanation for why there's so much rain.
With the heavy rains, the mud has no choice but to roll off Freetown's Sugar Loaf Mountain.

Let me reiterate: Every staff member at KoopaTV is okay, along with our office. ...At least, in terms of the mudslide. 

Where Is Mario & Sonic at the PyeongChang 2018 Olympic Winter Games?

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - Nowhere to be found. It's possibly Dennis Rodman's fault. Blame Cappy! (Update 2/6/2018: See the follow-up article to this written the week of the Olympics.)

When Ubisoft announced the Steep DLC at Ubisoft's E3 2017 (Steep: Road to the Olympics) featuring the PyeongChang Winter Olympics in South Korea, I thought that Nintendo would announce a “Mario & Sonic at the PyeongChang 2018 Olympic Winter Games” the following day. Didn't happen.

Two months after E3 2017 started, there still isn't any news regarding a new game in the Mario & Sonic series. This is significant, because the 2018 in PyeongChang 2018 is February. By comparison, Mario & Sonic at the Rio 2016 Olympic Games was announced in a June 2015 Nintendo Direct for a March 2016 release.

Believe me, this stuff matters. Big time. I know this from very personal experience. Remember the How Team Koopa Escaped Rio series? I sure do. (If you don't, click that hyperlink. It was a very big deal last year.) It was a horrible experience, but following Mario on his conquest of Earth was important. By the end, it turns out that Mario, and evil cap, Cappy, had captured the Prime Minister of Japan, Shinzō Abe. Then they promoted the Tokyo 2020 Olympic Games. But what about PyeongChang?

When you think about what's going on in the world, it makes sense that South Korea will try to do everything they can to keep Mario out of their country. (If you're wondering what they have against letting Sonic in, you're on the wrong website. Go start EggmanTV or some crap.) I'll clue you in.

Apollo Justice: Ace Attorney Is NOW Coming to Nintendo 3DS!

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - After Apollo Justice's stint on mobile trash, he's coming where he belongs.

Remember back in December 2016, when CAPCOM brought Apollo Justice: Ace Attorney to iOS and Android platforms? I made a big stink about how it's bad that the Apollo Justice: Ace Attorney port goes to mobile garbage before it went to the Nintendo 3DS. I even made a tangential point at the end about how Nintendo president Kimishima is doing a bad job fighting for Nintendo's interests.

Well, SOMETHING has now changed, and CAPCOM has announced that Apollo Justice: Ace Attorney will be coming to the Nintendo 3DS family of systems this November 2017. (Nintendo eShop only.) 

Apollo Justice: Ace Attorney will cost $20, compared to the $15 you would pay to buy all four cases in the mobile version. I think that's a worthy price, and you will almost-assuredly get a better user experience when playing on the 3DS than a mobile device.

The Wonderful 1237 Strategy Guides: Lindsey Graham

 By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - If Lindsey Graham were president, the world would be a much different place today. (That's a bad thing.)

We're running out of opportunities to be publishing Wonderful Wednesday articles. If you don't know what Wonderful Wednesday is by now, you're not an active KoopaTV reader. (There are benefits to being one of those, including a chance of winning the KoopaTV Loyalty Rewards Program.) Wonderful Wednesday is the series of Wednesday-dated articles all about KoopaTV's FREE browser-based Flash game, The Wonderful 1237! The Wonderful 1237 features seventeen unique minigames, all from each of the seventeen Republican presidential candidates you will be competing with should you play the game. (...And you damn well should.)

As explained in the Wonderful Wednesday article about those minigames, I'll be writing these strategy guides — one for each candidate, in a specific order. This one is about the one of the current Senators of the great state of South Carolina: Lindsey Graham. Lindsey Graham is notable for being a total chicken hawk and one of the leading neo-conservatives in the country. For those who don't know what that means, it means that Lindsey Graham is a big supporter in the United States of America constantly getting into more wars (including against North Korea) and trying to shove democracy down the throats of the other nations of the world. Exactly the kind of foreign policy that we don't want. Lindsey Graham was also a very ineffective candidate, and that is reflected in his stats. However, Lindsey Graham has one strength: He is the Cutest candidate in The Wonderful 1237. His mannerisms are adorable. All of his answers during the debate questions related to him wanting to drink beer with his opposition. (And anyone else interested.) He's in favour of more immigration and amnesty, and isn't even a conservative. It's a wonder how South Carolina keeps electing him.

Candidate Stats

Base stats and growth:

Beauty: 0 + (0–2)

Cool: 0 + (0–3)

Cute: 3 + (1–5)

Smart: 0 + (0–2)

Tough: 0 + (0–3)

Average untouched stats after 14 rounds:

Beauty: 14

Cool: 21

Cute: 45

Smart: 14

Tough: 21

Average likelihood of surviving Iowa if untouched:

Average likelihood. (Lindsey Graham will have 11 delegates on average; need 11 to clear.)

“Versus... Lindsey Graham. Fight.”

Nintendo World Championships Return For 2017!

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - It's like 2015's, but lamer.

Remember Nintendo's E3 2015, with the Nintendo World Championships 2015? That event could have made E3 2015 one of the best for Nintendo, but then their actual conference happened and that sucked.

What I'm trying to say is that the Nintendo World Championships in 2015 were awesome. The qualifiers for that grand E3 event, though? Well, I was critical on the Nintendo World Championships qualifiers in 2015 for their eight questionably-distributed locations.

WELL, the Nintendo World Championships are BACK for 2017, coming in October! THIS time, the qualifiers (late August and early September) locations are... in pretty much the same exact locations as they were in 2015. Well, some of the cities moved, but the state allocation is the same: Two in California, one in Florida, one in Illinois, one in Minnesota, one in New York, one in Texas, and one in Washington state.

One big change in the rules this year? Non-Quebec Canadians may participate. Previously it was only Americans. Which Best Buy would the Canadians go to? Who knows.

(Reminder that Alberta residents have not been a part of Canada for over one year. You're in a better kingdom now.)

The Torkoal of West Virginia

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - Ending the WAR ON TORKOAL.

Are you wondering about why Torkoal has returned to prominence in the Pokémon world all of a sudden? Could it be that, suddenly, there is a President of the United States of America that is unleashing “fossil fuel” energy? There is a lot of demonisation of coal, especially because of the War on Coal propagated by the former President, President Barack Hussein Obama. That's along with totally failed presidential candidate Hillary Clinton — she's the one who vowed to put a lot of coal miners and coal mines out of business.

That's a direct threat to Torkoal's survival. See these Torkoal Pokédex entry excerpts:

“You find abandoned coal mines full of them. They dig tirelessly in search of coal.”
“Coal is the source of Torkoal’s energy.”
“If the fire burning within its shell goes out, it will die.”

Essentially, under the Democrat Party, Torkoal would become extinct, and we would lose our all-turtle Pokémon lineup. That is a problem for some decent Democrats, such as Jim Webb of Virginia, who wished for an all-of-the-above energy policy. It was also a problem for new governor of West Virginia, Jim Justice, who is a billionaire coal magnate who refused to endorse Hillary Clinton due to her anti-coal stance.

Therefore, Jim Justice switched his party registration from Democrat to Republican on Friday, August 4, 2017. In doing so, he is saving the Torkoal from extinction! We have a picture representation of what this looks like:

Condiment Conflict: Mayonnaise vs. Ketchup Splatfest!

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - In case you haven't realised from my procrastination on writing this article, this Splatfest is stupid.

Welcome to the first OFFICIAL (as opposed to a demo) Splatfest of Splatoon 2!

It's... Mayonnaise vs. Ketchup?

Team Mayonnaise vs. Team Ketchup. Many question why mayonnaise gets a spot here, instead of another condiment such as mustard. Personally, I'm questioning why they brought Splatfests back if the theme is going to be so... lame. Well, I'm going with Team Ketchup. Why? Well, no deep reason. I like the taste of ketchup more. The only condiment to prominently appear in my world is tomato sauce, but ketchup is related to that.