KoopaTV Logo Policy and Guidelines

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - Please follow these rules. ...Or else.

The Official KoopaTV Logo is an important part of KoopaTV’s image and reflects the core principles of our Site. It is the intellectual property of KoopaTV, and it may not be used for any purpose without the express written permission of KoopaTV.

Review the Logo Use Policy here for guidelines for use and instructions on how to request permission to use the Logo. Questions regarding the Logo or the Policy may be directed to logo(at)koopatv.org.

Distorting the logo in any way is unacceptable. Distortion is defined as anything that's different than the logos provided by KoopaTV.org. This policy applies to KoopaTV's affiliates, as well.

Just in case you don't see the top of the page, here's what the logo looks like:

The tail was professionally done/custom-made, so we never want to change it.

A list of previous logos the site has used is included below the footer of this article.

See below for the request form (it's EMBEDDED!) and examples of incorrect uses.

(Apparently, the form has been disabled by Google as abusive. ...RIP.)

The Nintendo Entertainment System... Returns?

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - It's the Nintendo Entertainment System: Nintendo Entertainment System Classic Edition!

I read a headline today. It was “Nintendo relives the past with new console release”. A NEW CONSOLE RELEASE? AHHH! IT MUST BE NINTENDO FINALLY ANNOUNCING DETAILS ABOUT THE NX! After all, they said it'd be after E3, and they're already front and centre in the minds of everyone because of that mobile-disaster-I-won't-name.

...But no, it's about as “new” as New Super Mario Bros.. What Nintendo actually announced was the “Nintendo Entertainment System: NES Classic Edition.” See the header for why that's a dumb name.

It's $60, coming out November 11. So, want to see what it looks like?

In case you forgot, the actual NES was...bigger than the palm of your hand.

Uh... right. Details. Well, as you see in the above picture, it comes with that NES controller and THIRTY GAMES INCLUDED. (You cannot obtain any more, and cannot use actual NES cartridges.) Nintendo provides a list in their press release here. It plugs into high-definition televisions and comes with an HDMI cable. So... um... why is this a thing?

Critic Reviews Are Becoming Irrelevant

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - Slowly, and over time, but people are waking up to a broken system.

Does anyone care about what so-called professional gaming journalists think anymore? Especially when they review games?

Everyone has made fun of IGN for their review of Pokémon Omega Ruby and Pokémon Alpha Sapphire. (The “7.8/10 Too Much Water” thing is a meme.) Meanwhile, I still think IGN's review of Fire Emblem: Radiant Dawn is the worst game review ever written.

But it's not just IGN. People aren't taking many reviewer outlets seriously. Lots of people take issues with the subjectivity of reviewers, especially when they grade games based on some non-game ideology. Just ask #GamerGate what they think of some of Polygon's reviews, like Bayonetta 2's.

Anyway, there's some evidence out there that critic reviews are becoming less relevant over time — and might've never been relevant to begin with. Take a look at these GameFAQs poll results:

Not Much Nintendo Stuff For Prime Day

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - I guess there's no supply for Metroid Prime since you can buy Metroid Prime: Trilogy digital on the Wii U!

It's Prime Day! That means, go to Amazon and buy stuff! Big deals on tens of thousands of items that you won't get to encounter any other time of the year! Those that won the KoopaTV Loyalty Rewards Program Round 8 get to put their Amazon gift cards to special use!

(Round 9's prizes still aren't announced — this is because I announce them after I already have something bought, and I haven't been to a gift card-selling establishment in over two months. This should answer a certain shit-poster's question that he submitted in KoopaTV Feedback Form Part V. YOU all reading this can fill it out too, and get points to WIN Round 9!)

There's a problem, though... 

Famous Dead People Privilege

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - Dishonouring those who never had a chance to make it in the world. #AllFansMatter

Before E3 2016, way before, it was a no-brainer that Nintendo would have some sort of Satoru Iwata tribute. No one thinks that a tribute at The Game Awards 2015 (which was otherwise all sorts of awful) was good enough. Iwata died exactly one year ago, which should still be within the one-year statute of limitations to dedicate time in your E3 presentation to your widely-beloved former president. (It's not like anyone even knows who the current guy is.)

So, when Nintendo's E3 2016 rolled around for the first day, Reggie Fils-Aime shows up. Who got their tribute? “All the victims of the two tragic events of Orlando.” By name, Reggie only mentioned Christina Grimmie, who was supposed to come to Nintendo's E3 event.

After a brief moment of silence he cut to this trailer for The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild, which begins with the line “open your eyes”, as if the problem with all of the tragic victims is that they're just taking a very long nap:

Was Satoru Iwata mentioned once? In the whole E3? If he was, it was in the few hours at the end of Day 1 of Nintendo's covering The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild that we were too exhausted to cover. I think it's safe to say he wasn't mentioned.

What's going on? Instead of Satoru Iwata as they should've done, Nintendo gives tribute to someone I've never heard of just because she's famous, died the weekend before, and is at some level a The Legend of Zelda fan. The problems get worse (and start existing, if you don't see any yet) from there.

If You Don't Have Any Preconceived Notions, It's Good!

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - Shigeru Miyamoto on Star Fox Zero, and probably the rest of his games.

According to an E3 2016 interview between two bad sources (double negative is a positive, right?), Game Informer magazine and Shigeru Miyamoto, Shigeru Miyamoto had this to say about Star Fox Zero: 

“I think personally Star Fox is a really fun game if you sit down and play it. I think, for example, an elementary school kid who plays it without any preconceived notions, I think it would be really fun for them. I think it’s also really, really fun for siblings to play it together.”

I didn't even know that Star Fox Zero had multiplayer. It's local co-operative where one player steers the Arwing with some controller, and the second shoots stuff with the GamePad.

I don't know if that's actually “really, really fun” or Miyamoto is just saying lies. From personal experience, having two players in one kart in Mario Kart: Double Dash!! is actually fun. The player in front drives, and the player in the back throws items. And you have to have real teamwork in that you both have to press Z at the same time to switch places — which you'd want to do if, say, the guy in front isn't holding an item and the guy in back is, and you want full ammunition. (Then you switch back, and the person in front can actually pass the item to the guy in back once the guy in back uses their item.) You need real-time communication! A local multiplayer game where you actually gotta talk to one another! Fun.

On the other hand, it could be like Super Mario Galaxy's local multiplayer co-op where some guy just throws pointless Star Bits. Star Fox Zero's multiplayer, on paper, sounds a lot more cohesive and co-operative than not. Though I'm not sure how much it makes sense in-game. In Mario-Kart Double Dash!!, the game's entire premise is having two people in one kart. In Super Mario Galaxy, that Luma that always follows the plumber is the Star Bit tosser. Star Fox Zero? This is the only in-game explanation given:

If you go get Pokémon GO, Be Safe!

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - And don't try to capture our logo.

We knew from E3 2016 in the DISASTROUSLY BORING Pokémon GO Q&A Session that the mobile application would be coming out in July. But is it just me, or was its release really...sudden? Poof! It just appeared worldwide for download and suddenly social media has a lot of alternate-reality pictures of Generation 1 Pokémon.

And, unfortunately, it is only the original 151 Pokémon. The game is marketed towards GenWunners.

Hey... Try catching the Squirtle, not the “a” in our logo!

Yet, despite this all-of-a-sudden release schedule, everyone knows about it. I've had someone who knows absolutely nothing about games come up to me just today, in-person, and say, “Hey, did you know about the new Pokémon game out now on Android and iOS? Too bad you don't have a smartphone!”

...And I know they have no idea what they're talking about (well, the lack of ownership of a smartphone is spot-on) because they totally jumbled up how to pronounce Pokémon.

Anyway, the game is out now. You can download it. I heard the servers are terrible. But if you do manage to succeed, you can walk to all the museums and other PokéStops you want. These apparently include police stations, which I hear don't want you actually going inside. Another source tells me that PokéStops regenerate their goodies every five minutes. Players are incentivised to walk back-and-forth between two close-enough PokéStops to “farm” whatever they give out.

That, of course, is called trespassing and loitering. You may be in unsafe situations. So, let's review some safety tips provided by the official site. But... first, rewatch the opening trailer and tell yourself you're an idiot if you thought the final product would be anything like this. (Fortunately for my self-esteem, I always knew not to trust this trailer.)

Hillary Clinton: The Dark Age of the Law

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - It's come sooner than anyone has realised.

Back during the second Democratic Presidential Debate for 2016 (which happened in November — 8 months ago. How time flies!), I said this:

“The Dark Age of the Law is set to begin in 2020. 2020 happens to be part of the term of the winner of this presidential election. I firmly believe that nominating one of the Democrat participants of this debate would lead to the Dark Age of the Law occurring.” 

I guess I'm off by four years. (So is CAPCOM.)

If KoopaTV was a crappy enough website to do this, I'd have this be auto-playing background music starting now whenever you go on the site:

The Dark Age of the Law.

It turns out that you didn't need Hillary Clinton actually elected for it to begin. How could I be so foolish? America already has President Barack Hussein Obama! That's corrupt enough. He's the one that promoted Crooked Hillary from a videogame-industry-attempted-murderer to Secretary of State.

And you know what she did as that? (Well, if you've been paying any attention at all to the news, you would.) 

Toxic "No Music" Philosophies

By VORTEXICA - Ditching Zelda traditions? Not like THIS!

As you may have seen in KoopaTV's hysterical reaction log, Paper Mario: Color Splash has surprised us greatly with its pivot back towards a more story-driven experience, even if that experience is still lacking in RPG elements and has gameplay suffering from the dreaded Sticker Star syndrome.

But I'm not here to talk about that, merely to offer this observation: What kind of wormhole have we fallen through when we find ourselves in a situation after this E3 where the latest Paper Mario game might actually possess something approaching a story, whilst The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild has been robbed of that most basic but crucially important thing... MUSIC.

Skull Kid steals Link's ocarina. It's symbolic, yo.

Before I start, let me just say, as you also may've read, we here at KoopaTV have been reasonably pleased with what we've seen from Breath of the Wild, for the most part. It was so over-exposed at E3 that we couldn't log (or even stay awake through) all of it, but, to varying degrees it must be said, we all think the game's shaping up well, apart from this glaring misstep: The overworld of this open-world game appears to possess absolutely no true background music whatsoever!

How Independence Has Been Going

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - Debatable for America, good for KoopaTV, and it will be good for Britain.

Have you read America's Declaration of Independence lately? It was signed 240 years ago, July 4, 1776. I'm not a big fan of it — it's very anti-monarchical. Here's what it says about princes (I'm offended on a personal level):

“A Prince whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a Tyrant, is unfit to be the ruler of a free people.” 

Me? Unfit to be ruler?! Who the hell does Thomas Jefferson think he is?!

According to Herman Cain's fan-fiction, “Thomas Jefferson Comes To Dinner” (which you can listen to him read out loud here), Thomas Jefferson ends up appalled and stunned at the state of the United States of America today. Dude is never happy. I'm a tyrant. King George III was a tyrant. Obama is a tyrant. Hillary will (if elected/anointed) be a tyrant. The United States is a mess.

That said, rebellions are cool. I was on Team Naughty for that reason. KoopaTV is littered with pro-Confederate States of America articles and a game, Capture the Confederate Flag.