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Wednesday, June 28, 2017

The Wonderful 1237 Strategy Guides: Rick Santorum

 By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - The worst candidate in the entire game.

Today's Wonderful Wednesday article will be the middle-point of our strategy guide series for the seventeen opponents in The Wonderful 1237, which is KoopaTV's browser-based videogame! The Wonderful 1237 features seventeen unique minigames, each corresponding to the seventeen different Republican presidential candidates from the 2015–2016 primary season.

As explained in the Wonderful Wednesday article about those minigames, I'll be writing these strategy guides — one for each candidate, in a specific order. This one is about the guy who first ran for president in 2011–2012 and was humiliated, so he returned four years later to do even worse: Rick Santorum. Rick Santorum brought no rationale for why anyone should vote for him. Some theorise that he had literally nothing better to do. Either way, he has the absolute WORST stats in the entire game of any candidate, with the worst growths that are all below average. Perhaps that's why he's so stressed out in his minigame?

Candidate Stats

Base stats and growth:
Beauty: 0 + (0–2)
Cool: 0 + (0–2)
Cute: 0 + (0–3)
Smart: 0 + (0–1)
Tough: 0 + (0–2)

Average untouched stats after 14 rounds:
Beauty: 14
Cool: 14
Cute: 21
Smart: 7
Tough: 14

Average likelihood of surviving Iowa if untouched:
Extremely unlikely. (Rick Santorum will have 6 delegates on average; need 11 to clear.)
The Wonderful 1237 Versus Rick Santorum endorsement minigame
“Versus... Rick Santorum. Fight!”


Minigame

Basic Information

Name:
The Most Stressed.
Objective:
Identify the most stressed-looking of the Rick Santorum faces.
Approximate Time to Play:
10 to 15 seconds.
Controls:
Use your mouse to click on the face.


Strategy

Detailed Description:
Rick Santorum will present to you three rounds, and in each round you much choose the most stressed of his faces. The first round you will choose from three faces. The second round you will choose from four faces. Finally, in the third round, you will choose from six faces.
Scoring:
If you go through all rounds in 4.6 seconds or under, you will get 100%. Between 4.6 and 5.1 you will get 95%. 5.6 to 5.1 is a 90%. 6.1 to 5.6 is 85%. 6.6 to 6.1 is 80%, and 7.1 to 6.6 is 75%. Now the scale changes: 8.1 to 7.1 is 70%, and 9.1 to 8.1 is 65%. 10.1 to 9.1 is 60%, with 11.1 to 10.1 a 55%. 12.1 to 11.1 is 50%, with 14.1 to 12.1 a 45%. If you manage to take to 16.1 to 14.1, it's 40%. Taking even longer, a 20.1 to 16.1 is 30%, and 30.1 to 20.1 is 20%. 40.1 to 30.1 is 15%, and 60.1 seconds to 40.1 seconds is a dismal 10%. Anything over that is 5%.
Choosing the wrong face will add 5 seconds to your timer.
Optimal Tactics:
In general, the most sad-looking face is the most stressed. Faces with a loss of skin complexion (so more grey or darker) are more stressed than brighter faces. Faces with bags under one's eyes, or wrinkles on the forehead, or acne outbreaks, are more stressed out. Clenched teeth are also a sign of more stress, along with dry mouth. In terms of the game, it's probably true that faces with the most special effects on them are the correct answers.
You have to actually be very fast (1.5 seconds per round) to get the best possible score, but that's doable if you play it enough.
Variants:
There are three possible face groups for each of the three rounds, for nine face groups total. That means there are 27 possible permutations for the game (3 times 3 times 3), and a total of 39 faces you can come across!



Other Trivia

Skill(s) Tested:
Emotional intelligence.
Inspiration/Flavour:
Back in October 2011, Republican presidential candidate Herman Cain (the godfather of pizza, along with this very website you are reading) was asked to say some words about his opposing candidates. He described Rick Santorum as “stressed”, which Mr. Santorum did not take well. (He stressed out in his response.) Mr. Cain's analysis, to anyone who was paying attention to the Republican primaries at the time, was spot-on. Whenever Rick Santorum talked or debated, he displayed very classic signs of intense stress. He was never happy at any point. When he returned in 2015, he didn't get any better.
Just for some perspective, here are the batch of 24 faces I collected of Rick Santorum to make the 39 faces for the game. There are so many faces I collected because it was absurdly easy (and really fun) to find pictures of Rick Santorum looking stressed. These are unedited and taken from videos of him speaking. If you can survive the faces, you can get to the bottom of the article and actually play the minigame:

Stressed out Rick Santorum faces angry annoyed upset
Stressed out Rick Santorum faces angry annoyed upset teeth clenched
Stressed out Rick Santorum faces angry annoyed upset guilt
Stressed out Rick Santorum faces angry annoyed upset hair eyes

Play The Minigame Here!





Hopefully, you managed to survive this article in a better mood than when you first entered it. Dealing with Rick Santorum's stress is not easy, and KoopaTV wonders what it must be like to be Rick Santorum — a miserable, unhappy failure. Anyway, be sure to play the entire The Wonderful 1237!


For Rick Santorum's perhaps MOST idiotic moment of all time, click here for KoopaTV tearing him apart.
Click here for Carly Fiorina's strategy guide. She's a lot happier.
Click here for Rick Perry's guide. He's sort of upset since he has bad memory, and his name is also Rick.

2 comments :

  1. If it was not for this article, I would have completely forgotten that Rick Santorum was even running. No wonder he has the worst stats.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Now, as someone who watched all the debates, I think the only notable thing Santorum ever said or proposed is that he wants to cut all immigration so the country's population actually goes down.

      Delete

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