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Wednesday, November 30, 2016

Capture the Confederate Flag Strategy Guide Part 3: Boss Rush!

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - You thought returning the flags to every capital was the final step? You gotta defend them.

You have learned the basics of what it takes to succeed in KoopaTV's in-house flash game, Capture the Confederate Flag. You then learned the peculiar attributes of each unique state in the fully-explorable, interconnected world of the Southern United States.

You have evolved from a Lillipup to a Herdier to a Stoutland. However, Robert E. Stoutland's job is not over yet. You may have bested Hillary Clinton's devious scheme to keep the Confederate Flags locked away in the Washington D.C. museum, but one man has returned from the grave to undo all of your hard work, and subjugate the South forever.

Abraham Lincoln!

Abraham Lincoln summons his own Pokémon, his Braviary, to eliminate the threat of Southern pride once and for all. However, Robert E. Stoutland has his own Pokémon to ride: Metagross!

What follows is an epic battle taking place in every state in Capture the Confederate Flag, ultimately ending in some place that doesn't even seem to be on this Earth. Somewhere that's missed G-d's grace. We'll get to that at the end of this guide, but first, you must survive this boss rush! We'll tell you what new tricks Braviary learns in every state, and how to handle them. And, unlike the last guide, this part of the game is totally linear. That means the order of the states is scripted.

Tuesday, November 29, 2016

The Vision for Nintendo at Universal Theme Parks

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - Featuring creeper Mario.

The fact that Nintendo and Universal Parks & Resorts were teaming up has been known for a while, though it was not mentioned on KoopaTV. However, we now know a little bit more than just the fact. We have a new press release to analyse with some details, and an official video featuring Universal's Mark Woodbury and Nintendo's Shigeru Miyamoto for people too lazy to read things (so, for those people who think KoopaTV is about television):



If you happen to live near Universal Orlando, Universal Hollywood, or Universal Osaka — or have the means to go vacation near those places — looks like you're in for a great treat with a lot of loving care put into it. ...In the span of “over the next several years”, but that's to be expected, isn't it? The main highlight here is an all-ages (which should be great for even the youngest among us who want to get into Nintendo, right?), highly interactive Nintendo world, with plenty of square footage to explore! And, unlike another attempt to bring a Nintendo experience to life (that hasn't actually happened yet), you're welcome to take plenty of photographs AND share them, so you can cherish the memories forever!

Monday, November 28, 2016

Ludwig's Second Miiverse Ban

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - WHY THE HELL DID THIS HAPPEN, and more!

One of the problems with being recognised as a criminal/terrorist outside of Koopa Kingdom is that everyone wants to get rid of you and shut you down. Of course, within Koopa Kingdom, I'm a freedom fighter or whatever, and taunting, kidnapping, and sometimes killing human scum is a great deed. Unfortunately for my Miiverse account at NNID PrinceOfKoopas, Nintendo is based way outside of Koopa Kingdom. Like, not even the same universe.

You have been banned from writing messages and community posts for two weeks due to a violation of the Miiverse Code of Conduct
YOU HAVE BEEN BANNED FROM MIIVERSE.
And obviously, that's referring to me.
 
So, I've been banned from Miiverse, again. I'll be back December 11. It's been a long time since I've gotten a violation, and a really, really long time since I've gotten banned. It took a year and a half, but the Miiverse console ban policy is finally kicking in for me — after I defended it. Not that I had other NNIDs, anyway.

So what did I do to set the admins off? First, let's review the Miiverse violations since my first ban, because those might've factored in as well:

Friday, November 25, 2016

Nintendo's Cyber Deals for Cyber Monday

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - They also extend past Monday, and the shipping is INSTANT.

It's always been in my mind that Nintendo and “Black Friday deal” don't go together, and I think regardless of the contents of this article, that's still largely true. It's just not the same as getting a new microwave (which we need and don't have — and burning things with fire breath doesn't count as microwaving, as we've quickly come to realise in the Koopa household).

...That said, Nintendo is offering these deals until December 5th, giving you plenty of time to figure out if you want up to 50% off on certain games. Games getting the full 50%-off treatment range from Mighty No. 9 (lol) to the excellent Zero's Escape: Virtue's Last Reward. There's also Mega Man Legacy Collection; which is one cent cheaper on the 3DS eShop that competing systems, AND for a longer period of time. Thanks, CAPCOM!


Mega Man Legacy Collection Cyber Monday sales prices Capcom Unity Nintendo 3DS eShop PlayStation Network
Source: Capcom Unity's Capcom Holiday Savings post.
Note the Mega Man Legacy Collection prices.

I don't plan to buy anything Nintendo-related this weekend, and I already have Pokémon Moon somewhere in the Paratroopa-ran postal service. I still haven't even played Zero Escape: Zero Time Dilemma (30% off, from $39.99 to $27.99)!

Thursday, November 24, 2016

Things to be Thankful for Thanksgiving 2016

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - Things are going swell. Thanks!

Most of our audience today will be celebrating the Thanksgiving holiday. Well, thank G-d for the many blessings that have happened recently, and in 2016 as a whole.

Now, obviously I can't and won't speak for your individual lives, and I'm sure you don't need some royal dude over in another universe to get you to reflect on your own experiences. But since I have nothing better to write about (and no one's going to expect heavy-hitting commentary today anyway), I might as well speak from my own heart, however small and black it is.

I'm thankful for having great friends, family, and readers. (“I like attention.”) We've all gone through a lot together, from my family having to contend with the Zika virus and escaping Rio de Janeiro, to all of the behind-the-scenes faith-testing moments that you don't see and we don't want to tell you about. But they exist, and one JUST happened.

On that note, if you observe any broken YouTube embedded videos across the site, let us know. (More on that next week in the Review Newsletter.) Just saying. We'll be greatly thankful. We have a great bunch of readers, and we love when you move from the realm of reader to a participator and contributor, or as I wrote on the KoopaTV Loyalty Rewards Program page, a player. Just yesterday we published a guest article that had a perspective that none of our staff would be able to pull off!

...Okay, are the kids gone now? Let's just come out with it: I'm REALLY thankful that Donald J. Trump is now president-elect of the United States. Great job, America! As I wrote about before, this really validates everything we've been talking about on the site, and how we talk about it. We would've had to end this site (and most of my attention) otherwise.

There's rumours and misreporting (as usual) from the media about Donald Trump turning his back on  his supporters. Fortunately, I just published a guide on how to handle yourself in a sea of bad information put out there by organisations that exist not to give you the facts, but to brainwash you under a false guise of objectivity. Since Mr. Trump was KoopaTV's first-ever successful presidential endorsement, we feel like we will be partially to blame for whatever successes or failures he does with your country, the United States. I don't plan to run away from that, and in-between gaming commentary, we'll be honest with you and we'll be holding the Trump administration accountable. Based on what he actually does and doesn't do. Parsing words at this point doesn't do anyone any good.


Of course, KoopaTV will continue to parse words for its usual daily commentaries on gaming and whatever!


Ludwig is practising on how to be that figurative uncle who brings up politics at Thanksgiving dinner and causes fights. Fortunately, no one's going to be disagreeing with the point in the Koopa household. Still, you should be careful out there, and have a happy Thanksgiving!


KoopaTV published a staffer-driven what-we-are-thankful-for in 2014 for Thanksgiving.
Last year's Thanksgiving article was more substantive and about employees during Thanksgiving.
Donald Trump was inaugurated and is now the president!
2017's Thanksgiving article features a staff member leaving.

Wednesday, November 23, 2016

Nintendo Considers Itself a Family Friendly Company, But How About Catering to People Who Want to Start New Families?

By SHINYGIRAFARIG - THE BABY!

When it comes to the term “family-friendly” or the like, I think of things safe for children that parents won't really complain about, like watching movies from Disney. Nintendo tried to engage the family a bit more with the Wii, with games such as Wii Sports; and then attempted the same engagement with Nintendo Land for the Wii U so parents can play together with their children. However, Nintendo was losing customers quickly so at the end they really only catered more to individual buyers again like in the GameCube days and before. Despite that, these individuals are moving towards other video game companies and fast. Nintendo is really trying to retain those who grew up with Nintendo and who consider themselves hardcore Nintendo fans, but even they are starting to get tired of Nintendo's antics and leaving Nintendo behind. So what is Nintendo to do when their potential customers are dropping out?
 
Why not try the family friendly approach again, but this time have potential new fans be introduced from the cradle and maybe even before birth?
Bigger than Ridley maternity pregnancy shirt
I commissioned an artist for the shirt image and used Zazzle.com to use the image on a maternity shirt.
This is me at seven months pregnant.

Tuesday, November 22, 2016

How To Be A Good Consumer of Media

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - With all of the bad sources and articles out there, how do you know what to trust?

It has become a very prominent mainstream concern: How do I know what sources to look at? How do I know if I should trust this article or this author? I get asked this, and KoopaTV has dealt with the issue many times over when we write about bad media sources and particularly bad reporting.

For over two years now, we've maintained a list of good and bad media sources. It's not only for our own use in finding things to commentate on, but since we've made it public, it's for the benefit of our readers. It's one of the more popular pages on KoopaTV (and surely not for the affiliates part of it, considering how few of those we have). However, we simply can't make it exhaustive. Not every bad source is on there, and not every good source is on there.

Now we're at this point of mainstream controversy where certain sore people out there are blaming “fake news” sites shared on social media (not KoopaTV, given how anti-viral the social media ecosystem is towards us) for influencing the presidential election. Everyone is scared of being mislead.

Good! So you're hopefully reading this because you're wondering how to be skeptical. Well, just yesterday, KoopaTV published an article called Trump Transition Team Considering Reggie Fils-Aime?!. This article exists to serve as a test case. Oh, and it was REALLY fun to write. Well, using that, this article will serve as a guide on how to be a good consumer of media.

Monday, November 21, 2016

Trump Transition Team Considering Reggie Fils-Aime?!

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - Will Reggie leave Nintendo of America to make America — no matter one's console — great again?

Current Nintendo Executive Officer Reginald “Reggie” Fils-Aime, and the Donald Trump presidential transition team are discussing a role for Mr. Fils-Aime within the President-elect Donald John Trump administration, say sources with knowledge of the interactions. According to these sources, speaking exclusively with KoopaTV under the condition of anonymity, Mr. Fils-Aime is seeking a position within the White House or United States government for one of:
  • Federal Communications Commission
  • Inter-American Tropical Tuna Commission
  • National Science Foundation
  • Pacific Salmon Commission
Mr. Fils-Aime purports to have a wide variety of talents and passions, ranging from his current job's exposure to the unique intersection between the arts and the sciences, to fish.

President-elect Donald John Trump and Mr. Fils-Aime, according to sources, have some level of personal familiarity, having both been involved with Pizza Hut marketing around the same time — Mr. Trump in a commercial for stuffed-crust pizza, and Mr. Fils-Aime as Senior Director of National Marketing.

Friday, November 18, 2016

Pokémon Sun & Moon: The Release!

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - Generation 7 is upon the world! (Except Europe and Oceania.)

Surely you don't need the likes of me to tell you this: The long-awaited Pokémon Sun and Pokémon Moon versions are now released by Game Freak. We've been publishing articles on it very consistently for several months now, and it's the last major release for a Nintendo system for 2016.

Pokémon Sun Moon boxart official release November 18
The next big Pokémon adventure is now available for the Nintendo 3DS family of systems!
Image source: The official site for Pokémon Sun and Pokémon Moon. KoopaTV has covered every bit of content on that site, by the way.

Like Pokémon Omega Ruby and Alpha Sapphire, players will not be able to post screenshots of their adventures on the games’ Miiverse community. Huge bummer and missed opportunity. However, given the opportunity to take in-game screenshots and photos, you can send them via the just-released Swapdoodle communication application.

In case you haven't followed our coverage at all, if you're wondering what version I'm getting (note the use of “getting” — as of publishing, I don't own the game, and I don't really know WHEN I plan to get it), it's Pokémon Moon. And I'm going to choose Rowlet as my starter. It seems like more people will get Pokémon Moon than Pokémon Sun, according to today's GameFAQs Poll of the Day and my small straw poll posted in my Pokémon Online channel, Fullmoon Island.

(I'm running something called Fullmoon Island, so you should expect that I'm getting Pokémon Moon.)

If you have any comments as to your experience with the game so far, or you want to keep this article nice and active with comments throughout your play experience, I'm fine with that. Don't expect much more Pokémon Sun and Pokémon Moon articles on KoopaTV after this.

I don't know if I'll cover my experience on a Planet Koopa thread like I've done for all my other playthroughs of Pokémon RPGs for the past several years since SoulSilver, or if I'll do it on Miiverse. No screenshots either way, but in terms of archival purposes Planet Koopa seems better. Miiverse might go and disappear once the Nintendo Switch is released, anyway!


This will not be the last notable game released this year. Don't forget: KoopaTV still has not released its 2016 videogame, and since it's called the 2016 videogame, that means KoopaTV has until tonight to December 31st to do so! Stay tuned! (KoopaTV is aiming for before December 31st, if you're wondering. Don't want to repeat last year.)


Super Mario Run does not count as a major release for a Nintendo system, and it's garbage anyway.
KoopaTV's 2016 game, which is heavily based on Pokémon's Super Contest system, was released on December 23rd!

Thursday, November 17, 2016

Nintendo Swapdoodle — The Swapnote Revival!

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - But... does this new form of swapping bring back what we liked about Swapnote, or is that gone forever?

In a totally unexpected move, today Nintendo revived Nikki and released Swapdoodle. This is... obviously supposed to be the return of Swapnote, which was discontinued three years ago around this time of year. It was a very unfortunate loss for 3DS communications, with KoopaTV staffer Rawk grieving in his article, “Give Me Liberty, Or Give Me Swapnote.” (I'm not really sure how that makes sense as a title, come to think of it.)

Swapdoodle Nikki Nintendo 3DS hope you're excited it's good to see you again
Nintendo is not hiding that this is their attempt to bring back Swapnote.
 
Swapnote was discontinued due to... abuses of it. Swapdoodle makes many of these abuses impossible, and then adds in a TON of microtransactions. Is the end product something that will come close to Swapnote's glory? Either way, it's a free download that you can begin here.

Wednesday, November 16, 2016

Real Escape Game: Defenders of the Triforce

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - It's already sold out everywhere, so this isn't an advertisement.

The Real Escape Game™ designers at SCRAP Entertainment are teaming up with Nintendo to bring a The Legend of Zelda-themed game to eight cities across the United States of America!
 

And by across the United States of America, I don't really mean that.

SCRAP Real Escape Game The Legend of Zelda eight cities America locations Nintendo
United States map provided by FreeWorldMaps.net!
Fortunately for my geography skills, the cities in the video are already marked on the map.

Tuesday, November 15, 2016

Super Mario Run Out December 15; One-Time Payment

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - The United Kingdom has the lowest price, but that's not an endorsement.

I would like to correct my rhetoric in my introductory article for Super Mario Run, Shigeru Miyamoto's Apple mobile system love child. I exclaimed a fear about “PAY GATES.” It's actually only one.

You can also, according to Nintendo's press release today, “try elements of the game's three modes for free.” That's a correction from my assertion that the Kingdom Builder mode would be only accessible after you pay money.

I also presumed that Kingdom Builder was a level editor mode, and it's...actually a glorified dress-up minigame. So, yeah, I wouldn't want to pay anything for that, either.

Super Mario Run Kingdom Builder mode Mushroom Toads coins dress-up game
You're not building something you can play. Just look at. Maybe it'll appeal to people who'd otherwise spend a thousand dollars on Nintendo Badge Arcade gambling?

Annoyingly, Nintendo's official site for Super Mario Run doesn't allow me to directly link to its pages due to how they constructed the site, so take my word for the information I'm about to provide you for the rest of this article, or look everywhere on their site for your own self-verification. (But make sure to stay on THIS site, KoopaTV!)

Monday, November 14, 2016

Starter Pokémon Z-Moves, More Ultra Beasts, Alolan Dugtrio Coming to Pokémon Sun and Moon!

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - I'm not going to use Z-Moves in-game, so this seems to be a battle simulator thing.

Are you ready for the imminent release of Pokémon Sun and Pokémon Moon this Friday? If you're like me, you're not, and you probably won't even get it on release date, November 18. (If you're in Europe, it's November 23.)

The Pokémon Company International has a new video release, detailing exclusive Z-Moves for the fully-evolved forms of the Alolan starter Pokémon, more Ultra Beasts to join the existing cast, and Alolan Diglett/Dugtrio just because.
 

There isn't much to say about those Z-Moves, other than that they look pretty powerful and have really long animations. That just means Pokémon is doing what other RPGs have been doing since the start: Special moves. As recently as Paper Mario: Color Splash (aka what I'm slowly playing through right now — you can check out my latest playthrough Miiverse post right here), I avoid using powerful moves or items if I don't have to. 

Friday, November 11, 2016

The Nintendo Entertainment System: NES Classic Edition is Out

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - The Nintendo Entertainment System: Nintendo Entertainment System Classic Edition is now released, but I bet you can't find it.

I would've otherwise forgotten about it, but Nintendo really wants you to know that their latest cash-grab — I mean, made-for-Black-Friday and stocking stuffer — is released. That's right, the Nintendo Entertainment System: NES Classic Edition is finally out! ...Do you care at all? Well, I sure didn't when it was announced, and I still don't care, and I don't understand why anyone else possibly would care. (Then again, I'm told I'm bad at empathising with other people's fears in this post-election world.)

So, is there anything notable to say about it now that I didn't mention back in my July article?

No. There's no surprises or anything. It's still a set of 30 pretty standard NES games in a tiny box that you can plug into an HDTV, featuring the suspend points you'd find in a Virtual Console port and some optional pixel-perfect mode.

Actually, I guess there is one thing, and that's how Nintendo is promoting it. ...But that's not about the Nintendo Entertainment System: NES Classic Edition itself.

Thursday, November 10, 2016

The Donald Trump-KoopaTV Kinship

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - He won. Now, why don't you sit quietly and wait for his inauguration?

If you were otherwise confused by yesterday's video-as-an-article (and it was AMAZING, so be sure to watch it), Donald Trump is now the president-elect of the United States. It was a totally unexpected outcome among our staff, and that's coming from the site that endorsed the guy.

We're still bewildered, and it's hard to believe that Donald Trump will actually become the president of the United States.

...A lot of other people in America are also bewildered, and instead of writing articles on it on the Internet, they're going out to the streets and burning the American flag and rioting. But this is America. People will use any excuse possible to riot. It's a national pastime at this point, used as a substitution for playing videogames.


...And I hear that was a MILD demonstration. 

Anyway, why are so many people protesting? What are they protesting? Do they even know? Are they calling for an end to voting?

Let me tell you what Donald Trump really stands for, and why we're very encouraged at KoopaTV about his victory, on a site-level. It's vindication. Because KoopaTV values are Donald Trump values, and Donald Trump values are KoopaTV values. It's just his scale is a lot more YUUUUGE than us.

Wednesday, November 9, 2016

Donald Trump - The Miracle Never Happen

By RAWKHAWK2010 - ...

Last night, the 2016 United States presidential election ended in a landslide, 306 to 232. Chances of a last-minute miracle were thusly dashed, and as Koopas far and wide retreat into their shells, we can safely project that it's all over but the crying.

(Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney: Justice For All spoilers for the following video.)





The miracle never happen Donald Trump Phoenix Wright Ace Attorney Justice For All










Staffers at KoopaTV assumed just 24 hours ago that Donald Trump would fail spectacularly, so what in the BLUE HELL was Rawk supposed to do with his heartrending Donald Trump tribute upon America entering an alternate reality on such short notice?!?!? (Last-minute second-long DLC? Well, yeah, that's about all he's got.)


Tuesday, November 8, 2016

Today Is Election Day 2016

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - We'll be watching the results very closely.

Sorry, there isn't enough time in the day for today's gaming news. (Is there gaming news today? Not even bothering to look.) You really shouldn't be on KoopaTV today expecting something substantive, but since we publish something every weekday, here you go.

Today is Election Day, as we wrote about yesterday. At a certain period in the night, the only thing being reported on will be the voting total returns. We'll be glued to that, and you probably should, too. We'll also be glued to today's GameFAQs Poll of the Day, where Giant Meteor is winning a plurality of the votes

There's nothing for you on this website, though the comments section always welcomes you.

If, for whatever reason, you've been following KoopaTV and don't know what to do with your own vote (really?), then we'll redirect you to the Trump Card put together by Herman Cain, which boils down the candidates to five critical issues in pretty simplistic terms. You deserve those simplistic terms if you still don't know what the hell you want:

Trump Cards courtesy of KoopaTV's sister station, CainTV.
In addition, take a look at Donald Trump's powerful final closing argument:


This is Hillary's:


You can compare which of these two candidates identifies the problems facing America, and knows what to do to solve them.

Meanwhile, to tie up some loose ends:
  1. Regardless of the election results, KoopaTV will continue through Round 11 of the KoopaTV Loyalty Rewards Program, which ends December 30 of 2016. There are some pretty amazing prizes you can get this time, so check it out and please participate on this website.
  2. I did end up donating the money I said I'd donate to Trump. Due to federal election laws that foreign nationals can't donate to American presidential campaigns, Koopa Kingdom instead made a charitable contribution to the Trump Foundation, with no strings attached, just like the nation of Qatar did with the Clinton Foundation
While the Clinton campaign keeps maintaining that Russia is trying to influence the presidential campaign and such a thing is unprecedented, we'll confirm that Koopa Kingdom is actually doing that influencing.

...We're still fair & balanced, though.
 

No matter how much KoopaTV tries, it cannot help but write something about the election on the day of the election. Please understand the predicament, and please do your part and vote for Donald Trump, and get everyone you know to vote for Donald Trump.


We report the election results here.
KoopaTV gets to exist because Donald Trump won!
Koopa Kingdom is very proud to have influenced a victory.

Monday, November 7, 2016

I Believe In Miracles

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - We must prevail.

It is almost over. Tomorrow is election day for Donald Trump, Gary Johnson, and Jill Stein supporters. (According to Koopa Kingdom's understanding, if you're a supporter of Hillary Clinton or Evan McMullin, election day is actually November 9 — this is done to ease the otherwise enormous lines and it makes sure everyone gets to vote. Check your local polling station for details.)

KoopaTV has endorsed Donald Trump for president, not just because it's the most correct choice, but because our own site's very survival depends on it. Throughout this entire process (ever since 2015), Hillary Clinton has been in the lead of whomever her Republican or Democratic opponent has been.

However... Here at KoopaTV, we believe in miracles.


A lot of people don't like any of the candidates and believe the United States is doomed no matter what. That it's the end of humanity.

But that's wrong. At the very end, a miracle will happen! And everything will be SCRUMPTIOUS... and it'll be a sexy thing. It's all in your hands, though.

To make sure you all know the importance of this moment in time, we've changed our logo to this:

KoopaTV vote election day 2016 logo Gumshoos Pac-Man Hillary Clinton Donald Trump


Just a reminder: Pac-Man-Hillary is a real, canon thing used by Donald Trump in an advertisement he made in 2016. It's more than just an article KoopaTV wrote in 2014, and more than just her prominent role in KoopaTV's videogame, Capture the Confederate Flag.


We're just so in-sync with this guy that he's actively using our own ideas. It's already a miracle that he's come this far. It was miraculous that he managed to claw his way through the primaries. It was miraculous that he managed to make my opinion of him do a complete turn-around, if you read what I was writing about him over a year ago.

One more miracle to go! 


If you are still undecided for some reason, be sure to check out and read all of the articles listed in KoopaTV's Hillary Index. It's informative and light reading. Please be a part of the miracle. Ludwig wants you to appreciate the ideologically fair & balanced division of who votes on November 8, and who votes on November 9. This Miiverse post should also give you an idea of where this is going.


Donald Trump can win if he follows the electoral college map that Nintendo secretly proposed.
Here is KoopaTV's Election Day article, published on Election Day.
Well? Did the miracle happen? Click here to find out.
Donald Trump's victory reflects on KoopaTV.
Donald Trump was successfully inaugurated!

Friday, November 4, 2016

Five Women We'd Rather Have As President Than Hillary Clinton

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - We're fine with a woman, just not that woman.

Let's face it: We haven't completed our mission at KoopaTV to inform and entertain enough people with the facts. If we have, the presidential polling wouldn't be looking the way it is right now. (Then again, the polls are rigged.)

As a result, we have to now resort to a clickbait-sounding listicle to grab your attention. You've brought this upon yourself.

We've thought up of five women that would be a better president of the United States than Hillary Clinton. These aren't the top five women out there, but any of them would still be a better choice than her. Believe me. I know one of them personally. Hillary constantly claims we're sexist for opposing her, and that being a woman is her most important qualification. That's wrong.

Without further ado, the listicle begins:

Thursday, November 3, 2016

Capture the Confederate Flag Strategy Guide Part 2: Secret Power & The States

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - Learn everything you need to learn about the Confederate States of America!

Now that you know the basics of KoopaTV's free hit PC game, Capture the Confederate Flag, it's time we take a deep dive into the specifics of the fully-explorable world contained therein.

We're going to go state-by-state, telling you what's there, and what your Secret Power move does! As we mentioned before, Secret Power's effects depend on where you're using it. We really wanted to highlight the differences of each state, and provide some educational content as well. So, there was a lot of design and research that went into these Secret Power moves. Secret Power may be Robert E. Lillipup's only attack, but it's very flexible.

I want to state ahead of time that all Secret Power moves have the basic properties of being 60% their size as Lillipup, 80% their normal size as Herdier, 100% their normal size as Stoutland, and 120% their normal size when you're riding Metagross. The result is that it's easier to hit opponents with the bigger hitbox. Also, in general, all of the moves are cancelable, meaning you can cancel the move's animation by pressing the space-bar again to start the move again.


Washington D.C.

Borders
Virginia to the west.
Features
This is where the Confederate Flag is being held. You'll need to continually return here throughout the game.
Sometimes, Robert E. Lee's casket will appear before the flag does. By walking up to it, you'll trigger a short cutscene, and something will happen, be it evolution or picking up a particularly important item.
Enemies
None, although Hillary Clinton will start following you from here, so you better leave soon.
Secret Power Move:
Name: Powerless.
Picture:
Secret Power Washington D.C. Capture the Confederate Flag Lillipup powerless
“Go back to Dixie you mutt.” Lillipup in Washington D.C.
Effects: You'll trigger a voice that says, “Go back to Dixie you mutt.” Nothing happens otherwise.
Base Damage: 0.
Evolution Differences: None. There's a different voice that plays if you're riding Metagross, but this can only happen in the most difficult ending to get.
Explanation: Robert's power derives from being within the South. When outside of it, he is out of his element and is effectively powerless.

Wednesday, November 2, 2016

Once More, False Rumours Around the Wii U's Production

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - Emily Rogers and the gaming media are frauds, but what else is new?

So all around social media, people were making eulogies to the Wii U. A select few annoying people were crying over about it on Miiverse. Why? Because some irresponsible “journalists” at Eurogamer claimed “The final Wii U will roll off production line this week”, citing anonymous sources. (This week being November 4.) One of those sources is apparently perpetual-leaker Emily Rogers, with her own anonymous sources, who tweeted this and then immediately shared Eurogamer's article:

Emily Rogers wrong incorrect fraud Wii U end production November
Fraudulent Rogers doesn't pass as an “official source” folks, and it doesn't matter if she's sometimes correct.

Nintendo in Eurogamer's article “declined to comment when contacted about this article.”

This all sounds so familiar... oh, right. Because the media widely reported this exact same story back in March! That was when we singled out international financial news source Reuters as being a dishonest outfit of information. Reuters spread a Nikkei report, which was debunked ALMOST immediately by Nintendo. Then they never corrected their readers with the facts.

Tuesday, November 1, 2016

KoopaTV's October 2016 Review Newsletter

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - Very, very important news about the future of KoopaTV.

Everything is so stressful lately. Hopefully, you all appreciate the work that goes into KoopaTV, so you'll allow us to reflect on all we did in the past month. But there's some talk of the future to address as well.

Let's get the most important bit of news out of the way. This might've been vaguely alluded to, but it's about time we make it official:

If Hillary Clinton Becomes President, KoopaTV Ends


This isn't us making an October-fools/Halloween joke, like we did in 2014.

We've been discussing this internally for months, though at a time when Hillary's odds of winning the presidential election were... lower than they are right now. We decided that, due to Hillary's positions on freedom of speech, it would be unwise for us to continue KoopaTV. If anyone else is president, we'll keep going. And we'd love to.

But really, for our own good and safety, it's best to just allow ourselves to be silenced. We won't shut down the domain or anything (Ludwig will keep paying $12 to renew the domain name...forever?) and all of KoopaTV's excellence will be archived and backed up, because it's a piece of Internet history. But we'll definitely need to stay out of the public eye, lest Hillary launch a nuclear warhead in our direction for criticising her. And that's not just paranoia — she already has had choice things to say about bloggers, and she's been connected with many “unfortunate accidents.”

Now, with that out of the way, let's actually review October 2016, shall we?